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Things not to say to a gay lady

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Chantalle Laurent things not to say to a gay lady

Life is full of puzzling ironies. The continued popularity of the Kardashians. Why is the Voice still on television? Or how is it possible that a notorious Amsterdam gangster was able to run around the city without being followed by the Police 24×7? This oversight by the authorities ultimately allowed him to be executed with a hail of automatic gunfire in a residential neighborhood with the Police nowhere near.

Another delicious irony is that one of the most beautiful women the Shallow Man has ever met drives her car on the other side of the road. Or better said plays for the other team. As luck would have it we are the best of friends, and when she’s not hosting or organising her monthly FTF party at Amsterdam’s secret bar, and her monthly event at Club Abe, the Kiss Bang affair, as well as being fabulous behind or in front of the camera, she hangs out with the Shallow Man. She’s told me many things about her experiences as a woman around town, and the various attempts made by members of both sexes in an attempt to get her out of her designer lingerie. The most common of which can be found below.

1. You’re gay are you sure?

Chantalle knows where her preferences lie. However with some men, it takes quite some time to convince them. “Perhaps you’ve never had the right man, try me, I’ll convert you”.

kiss bag affair pic
Don’t look back in anger

2. Three’s a crowd

Due to the wonders of smartphone dating apps, Chantalle is often approached by lovely ladies, in the early hours of the morning who mention not only how lovely they find her, but how the ladies respective male partner is of the same opinion.

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I'm blushing
I’m blushing

3. So you have a girlfriend can I watch?

Naturally, high on the wishlist of every lesbian couple is the fantasy of having a sweating male, sat in a comfortable chair observing their bedroom activities. They’ll even supply the tissues. Guys, it’s neither original, nor plausible that any ladies are going to allow you to look at them like a horse breeder, overseeing the rutting of his prize stud with a mare. If this kind of thing is for you, the internet is your friend, for example check out sweatypalms.com .

4. Desperate optimism

The world loves an optimist, however, asking a gay woman if she’s not even one percent straight could be taking things a little too far. Even if she were less than two percent straight, what would that mean? How does one measure the percentage of straightness versus gayness in an individual? Is there a smartphone app for it? With my love of fashion and dressing up, what percentage gay would I be I wonder? If there are any entrepreneurs out there (a word that according to George Bush junior, the French don’t have in their vocabulary) there’s an idea for an app. The straightness calculator app.

Another puzzling irony is that in spite of (or perhaps because of) the above, the lovely Chantalle is still single. I’m surprised that ladies (single not in relationships looking for a three-way) haven’t moved to snap her up. Then again, what do I know about such things?

Single?
Still single, what is wrong with the world?

Chantalle will be co-hosting the second edition of the Kiss Bang Affair on the seventh of June. Click here for more details.

No optimistic men were hurt during the writing of this post.

 

 

 

About Simon Woolcot

Infamous blogger, annoyance and self-confessed Shallow Man. Simon is a British expat who has lived in Amsterdam since 2004. As well as writing this blog, Simon also has a YouTube channel of the same name, writes and directs videos and hosts seminars about life in the Netherlands. He also works as a content marketing and SEO specialist.

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