Some Stuff Dutch People Hate
The Shallow Man received an angry message from a reader complaining that my writing style was too sarcastic, “why can’t your blog be more like Stuff Dutch People Like?” Now Colleen Geske, the woman behind that site does a great job, but The Shallow Man is simply not fluffy enough to write jolly observations about stroopwafels and herring.
In fact, the things Dutch people like, are pretty obvious, including complaining, shouting, and demonstrating their grasp of the English language. With this in mind, I’ll focus on stuff Dutch people hate.
The things I do for my readers!
Individualism
There is more demand for fur coats in Jamaica than for stylists in the Netherlands. Dutch people have a strong dislike/distrust for people that take the time to look good. In fact, this country is anti-fashion, a kind of denim lined black hole. The most important thing is to dress exactly like everyone else, don’t stand out, make sure that you lie and say “je ziet er leuk uit”.
Being accused of being high all day
Yes, it’s legal to buy and smoke weed in the Netherlands under certain circumstances, but to all of you reading this from outside the Netherlands, the Dutch are actually pretty conservative. Most of the people smoking weed in the South of the country are Germans, fed up with their ordnung dominated lives they travel to the Netherlands to smoke some weed so they can tell their friends that they’ve done something exciting and illegal. Amsterdam is full of tourists, who used to the weak stuff that passes for weed in most European countries, lose their minds due to the strength and the added mixing with alcohol. It’s a pleasure for residents of the Museum quarter and the Jordaan to step out of their front doors and trip over tourists that are stoned out of their minds.
Unannounced visitors
Never just knock on someone’s door just because you happen to be in the neighbourhood. You will lose friends for life. God invented the calendar for a reason. Your friends are eating zuurkool with a big fat disgusting sausage and gravy out of a packet. They are busy watching goede tijden slechte tijden, and then along you come, just like that. Where the hell do you think you are? Utopia? If they had known you were coming, they could have gone out and bought some of those cheese cubes, cocktail sausages, and some crisps. Now you’ve embarrassed them, they don’t even have time to arrange the chairs in a circle. Think next time before you turn up unannounced!
Being asked directions to the red light district
People, you’re in Amstelveen, there is no point asking some young posh Dutch lady with a Bugaboo pushchair (being pushed by the children’s nanny who is illegally in the country from Vietnam) the directions to the red light district. She stopped working there years ago and has settled down with a rich man, leave her alone, godverdomme!
Stopping for pedestrians at Zebra crossings
In the Netherlands black and white stripes on the road means go, go, go! Cyclists and car drivers have a motto when it comes to zebra crossings “ik heb haast”
Queues
A stupid invention by the British, totally unnecessary in the Netherlands. “Get outta my way, ik ben aan de beurt!”
Sharing their homes with international students
Ik ben geen racist maarrrrrrrrr, “Dutch only!,” “Dutch girls only, “No Internationals!”. Alleen maar nette mensen.
Moroccans
It’s only a matter of time before a Dutch author produces a book blaming the Kennedy assassinations on a couple of Moroccans on a scooter. Yes, Moroccans are over-represented in the criminal statistics, but surprisingly enough, there’s not a country in the world where the wealthiest members of society commit most of the crimes. In short, the poor or lower classes are often over-represented when it comes to crime. In other news the sun is yellow and the sky is blue.
Disclaimer: Yes I know that many Dutch people took part in the action aangifte doen tegen Wilders.
Picking up after their dogs
The Netherlands is a doggy paradise on earth. They can poop everywhere, the owners view this as not being their problem. Dogs can run around without leashes, even if they happen to be man-eating vicious breeds. Why does every pit bull owner always say “don’t worry he doesn’t bite” what happens if he does bite you? Would they then say “Oh, sorry that he ripped your hand off, he’s never done that before, do you have any infectious diseases that I need to know about?”.
Being questioned about Zwarte Piet
The Dutch are the most tolerant race that has ever lived ANYWHERE AT ANY TIME. If however, you question the appearance of Zwarte Piet, there are three stages that you’ll experience.
1. Denial
“He’s not black he’s from Spain, actually he’s been down a chimney, it’s soot!”
2. Anger
“DON’T QUESTION OUR TRADITIE!!”
3. The deportation stage
“Als je zwarte piet ziet als racisme maar rot je toch lekker op naar een land waar ze geen sinterklaas vieren. Probleem opgelost! Maar blijf met je poten van ons mooie kinderfeest!” From the ironically named Zwarte Piet is GEEN racisme facebook page. If anyone would like to see the ramblings of lots of incredibly tolerant Dutch people check out their page. The irony of claiming that ZP has nothing to do with race, followed by lots of clearly racist statements is lost on that sites angry participants.
Anti-smoking laws
More evidence of globalization, unnecessary interference in the favourite pastime of Dutch women.
Anyone over sixty
I’m a little confused as I know a few older Dutch people, they are alive and well, yet according to Rick Santorum they are terrified that if they go to their local huisarts with a headache that they’ll be euthanized. Perhaps that’s why my former elderly neighbour used to have me pick up stuff from the supermarket for her, she was afraid that if she moved too slowly she’d be confused as dying and be put down like an old cat.
Refugees
Lekker tolerant Dutch people throughout the Netherlands are stirring themselves into a frenzy whenever a local council discusses opening a center for refugees. This is often accompanied by violence. Some intellectual lovers of democracy have even taken to pinning pigs heads on the doors of proposed locations that will host refugees. Mooi!
Risking their money
Are you in a relationship with a Dutch person? Are things going well? Are you planning to move in together? Make sure that every single piece of furniture, CD, sock, underwear, and DVD is documented in detail along with how much money each of you has. Yes, Europe’s greatest romantics often insist on a samenlevingscontract.
Eastern Europeans
When Romania and Bulgaria won the right of freedom of movement within the EU, according to the hysteria whipped up certain elements of the press, Bucharest and Sofia were going be empty after January 1st, 2014 as thousands migrated to the Netherlands en masse, in order to focus on petty crime and cloning of Dutch PIN cards. Even the ‘serious’ press participated, with bloated projections of the eastern hordes that would move to the Netherlands.
Tourists on bikes
Tourists hire bikes, and then make the lives of the Dutch hell, by stopping at red lights and giving hand signals. The Dutch would love to carry out the motto of Spartacus, KILL THEM ALL!
Providing service
If you’re in a shop or overpriced eatery, you should be grateful that they allowed you in to begin with. Learn to wait until the staff are ready to speak to you, don’t dare interrupt them from their trusted routine by asking stupid questions such as “how much does this item cost?” or even worse, “is it possible to see the wine list?” they’ll come to you when they are ready.
Bloggers that are sarcastic about the Dutch
Mr Rutte, how about some bodyguards?
I’d like to thank everyone who provided suggestions for this post on my facebook page If my enemies don’t get me first, there’ll be a part two to this post where I’ll include further observations from my readers.
No tourists were hurt during the writing of this post. Until next time, empathy is a great thing to have, and if you can fake it you’ll be set for life.
I am legit clutching my sides laughing (to be fair I have bruised ribs) because of the showing up without a heads up bit.
Delightful read and absolutely recognizable.
p.s.
Did you not know Dutch people are the most tolerant people to ever people or to ever tolerate? They’re a super tolerant people. Tolerating everything, but holding strongly on to their mantra of “Doe maar normaal, dan doe je al gek genoeg.”.
(I have a big issue with the word “toleratie”, it’s inherently a very patronizing and problematic concept. But it’s a “good” thing to aspire to apperently and to be proud of)
This is the most arrogant article ever read. And even worse not even good or on the edge, it is far over…. .I was even bored and stoppen half way.
Did you stoppen half way? LOL!!
Jullie beiden spreken slecht Nederlands.
Lola, we weten allebei dat je slecht engels kan spreken. Wat je moest zeggen niet is “I even was bored and I stopped half way.”
I cannot stop laughing about it! you forgot to mentioned how Dutch people see us, expats: Invading their beautiful tiny country with our filthy traditions and having Dutch partners and half Dutch kids. Soon enough there will be not 100% Dutch left. 😉
Well…half of the Dutch Men have already bought a woman from the Filipine, Indonesia to be their made/child bearer… So, imagine the loving feelings that bond their families….
Imagine what kind of characters they have if they have to go BUY a woman, I think they even asked for a discount as they are very cheap people :))
If you are a Nazi or a Land betrayor than stay out of my fucking country!
Hooray! Hilariously written :). And of course it’s incomplete people, it’s a kind of satire, meant to make us laugh. So laugh, or don’t laugh, but either way: please don’t start the whole ‘it’s not representative, it’s not that bad, it’s not fully accurate’. It’s satire people, not a freaking tutorial on Dutch culture. Stop taking stuff so goddamn seriously, not the whole world revolves around you. Now isn’t that a nice, relaxing thought :)? Big kiss to all of you!
By God, she understands!
Hahaha i’m very Dutch and laughed my *** off!!! Thank you for this hilarious blog! It made my saturday a happier place!
Whahahaa! Good one
I feel sorry for you to have had all these unpleasant experiences.I have lived in the Netherlands dor more than five years now.I AM a Romanian but I only met friendly people and few made any negative comments.I like that the Dutch don’ like to stand out,that they don’t flaunt their wealth ( if any) and try to lve by rules.
Some of the observations are accurate,but they don’t apply to the majority.
Nice sarcasm 😉
What I find most fascinating about your blog is that I thought I was the only foreigner here who thought like this and everybody else was having a party … lol. It’s crazy how accurately you represent the thoughts of expats. Well, at least mine.
Thanks Farrah, you are not alone. 🙂
Made me laugh, all scarily accurate.
I love a country where you can buy an orange piece of plastic from the blokker for 2.50 euros for carrying a beer crate on the back of your bike though. It really works!
After 14 years back in the UK, I’ve come back to holland kicking and screaming, let me back in! The paperwork is exhausting but I’m glad it’s all done.
Not to have to walk past a bouncer into a pub full of women in high heels and have to shout over the top of shit music, give me riding home from a night out that cost 4 euros entry, played good music and nobody was throwing up any day.
You missed out Dutch radio, now that is truly terrible.
There are some good Dutch folk out there, they are usually married to a foreigner, so are easy to spot.
I’m looking forward to Sinterklaas, this year should be interesting…
Wow, maybe you have to go someplace else in the Netherlands besides Amsterdam, because it doesn’t represent the whole country.
With some point I agree, but most of them are superficial…
I have to be honest.. I had to get used to your writing style and (in some cases overload of) sarcasm, but after reading several of your blogs, and taking them with a pinch (sometimes a vessel) of salt, I find it really funny looking at our Dutch ways through a non-Dutch perspective. I can see why some people have ‘lange tenen’… I must be honest I felt a bit generalised reading the first one or two (which can be a good thing as well, as it reminds you what that feels like), but I can see the humor in it now, and was laughing out loud reading this one. I still sometimes feel a bit op mijn Nederlandse tenen getrapt, but a bit of light heartedness and selfreflection never hurts anyone.
Sooo true!! hahaha funny! you should add also they do not like foreigners as neighbours.
🙂 Romanians have the right to work without work permit since 1st of January 2014 😛 the right of free travel was gained at 1st of January 2007, when Romania became EU 🙂
As all americans, the author does’t care…. For him is just semantics! Ups, this is not about the ‘mericans.
@simon: had to get it out of my system. Nice article, though.
The author isn’t American. And you are a twit.
You make us sound so bad
i read all your blog, i was even planning to go to amsterdam to buy your book this weekend, but you just hurted me a wee bit with this writing!… i swear we are not that bad, and if you getting know us a wee bit better, you will like us surely …. or maybe the Dutchie weather made me a bit grumpy :):)…peace!
Ephie, come on, it’s humor! I love the Dutch, have Dutch friends, even watch Dutch TV. Don’t take things so literally!
I reckon you hate smoking, but why accused us ( Dutch Woman) , we are not the only smoker in the universe , have you ever been/seen the British women as well ? they are not a darling….. and lots of Britton dressed bad , why this hate? If you hate the NL that much why stay? ,just leave, don’t judge the whole country by observing a peace of it, pity, as I like your blog, but this writing is hurting me…..no offence…
Ephie, are you really taking my writing seriously? LOL!!
Wonderful! Here’s another Dutch philosopher to enlighten us all with her erudite and well-considered argument!
“Well, If you hate the Netherlands so much, why not go back to your own country!?”
As taught to all boys and girls on their first day of kindergarten, it’s the default Dutch stance whenever their allegedly tolerant attitudes are pointed out to them. I find such rational debate scintillating, and a delight to read and reply to – based as it is purely in logic and rationality, with no hint of emotion or petty-mindedness (…not).
Just in case one is unaware, under European law the nationals of other EU countries have as much right to reside in one of the other member countries as the natives that were born or are naturalised there. There is also no law, written or otherwise, that says that ‘allochtonen’ cannot criticise the people, culture or traditions or other countries. To my mind, everything that Shallow Man has pointed out is bang on the money. If the Dutch don’t like it, they can go to England and criticise the people, culture and traditions there – we won’t mind one bit! That’s the beauty of freedom of speech.
Keep it up Shallow Man – you’re a sharply dressed credit to us all!
Well said.At some point I got really pissed at the Dutch stupidity and rudeness. and lack of intresting things to say. They told me to leave if i dind’t like it there, that’s why I did and don’t regret it one bit.
Just so we’re clear about the “if you don’t like it, leave” argument: Let me point out that there’s a difference between being critical and being negative. I’ve lived in the Netherlands for almost 6 years and I would never publish a rant about all the bad things done by the locals of my adoptive country. (my native country, the US, has far more to rant about, in my opinion) If the author really is content here, and this was just “joking”, there should have been a disclaimer about that, since this article leans more towards the “negative” than towards the “critical”.
However, at the end of the day, all expats have in some way chosen to be here. I, for example have chosen to stay away from those other expats who only bring up the negatives of living here. In a way I agree with Ephie: why so negative about the culture you CHOSE to live in?!
Now, I do also get frustrated with many of the Dutch customs/habits which are different than my own, and that frustration is to be expected, sometimes even embraced. In the same respect, I am offended by the ugliness of the extreme Dutch “if you don’t like it, leave” responses in regards to ZP, a “tradition” I find ridiculous. Let’s be clear about that, too.
All cultures have their ups and downs, as we all know there is we will never find the perfect place to live on this planet. Just be lucky you get to experience living in a culture you were not brought up in and which challenges your own point of views! There’s a lot more positive to that than negative!!
Wow, that was Lekker kort, dank je wel.
People move to Netherlands for the culture? Did you move here for cultural reasons? I think it’s mostly for other practical/work/study/partner/insanity reasons … nobody chooses to move for cultural reasons alone.
I think he forgot to mention the fact that you people have no concept of what a joke is. The solution of “if you don’t like it, get out” doesn’t work while you export your business around the world…. See, most of the permanent or long-term immigration to your country (or any country for that matter) is done for the sake of business that benefits YOU. If you would like us to take our business elsewhere, and leave Holland to wallow in its below sea-level dirt, all you gotta do is let us know.
Excuse me …. I dont remember told you to go out of the country ! All i did was asking him a question , As i have right to ask a question too… For your information i am not 100 % Dutchie too but i live here , speak the language , work my ass out to support myself and respect the Dutchies who respected me and again i only ask a simple question need not to lecture me ! …. And i am getting know the shallow man way of writting now and understand him better.. So dont judge by reading a piece of message….. No offence !
Have you left yet? Please? Thank you. We will miss you and all the incredible opportunities you brought with you.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
You forgot the number one: Not being asked their opinion. How dare you do something without at least asking your bosses, co-workers, the janitor, his mother, and the bum across the street whether or not they have an opinion on it.
You never ask your boss for his or her opinion. He/She has to ask you for yours, if he/she knows what’s good for him/her.
romania and bulgaria didn’t “win” the right of freedom of travel in the EU at the beginning this year, it was the deadline for work restrictions to be lifted by the remaining 5 countries (including NL) which still had any
Django, that’s semantics and misses the point of the paragraph in question.
why not make a dance or a nice drawing if not only semantics, but facts, are not relevant to making a point through writing?
Simon, semantics are important because the sentence can be misunderstood, From that sentence you understand Romanians and Bulgarians were not allowed to travel freely before the beggining of the year, and that’s not true.
Marie, I know this will come as a shock to you, but… I’m only human 🙂 I made a mistake. In Jan 2014 Romanians and Bulgarians won the right to work in the EU without restrictions, not travel. I’d update the article, but am too busy, and the point anyway remains the same, which was about the anti-Romanian and Bulgarian hysteria that was whipped up in the both the Dutch and British media about this. Do you forgive me Marie?
Django, I assume that you feel offended by the lack of accuracy of the article because you have origins in one of those countries (I do as well), and feel the need to defend yourself?
Nevertheless, Simon, love the Bucharest picture, and I can confirm that in the last 6 months millions have moved here.
I also loved the picture 😛