7 Things You Need to Know about Dating Dutch Women
Think of Homer’s Odyssey (not Simpson), Dr Richard Kimble’s quest to find the one armed man in the Fugitive, or attempting to join the SAS. These are all child’s play when compared with finding and keeping a Dutch woman.
The Netherlands is full of expat men, whose confidence has been shattered due to their experiences in attempting to date Dutch women. Previously I provided some holiday season advice on dating Dutch women which many of my fellow expats appear to have ignored at their peril.
The Shallow Man has even started a counselling group called ‘Dutch women survivors’ for expat men who have been shot down in flames when attempting to approach Dutch women. My group also helps men who were in failed relationships with the most unapproachable women in Europe.
If your heart is set on successfully dating Dutch women, I’ll tell you seven things you need to know about dating these dominant (but hotter than freshly fried frites) Amazonian warrior women.
Here are 7 critical things you need to know about dating Dutch women.
Now this post might upset some, and if as a result I’m grabbed by a group of angry Dutch women, and am taken to my own personal hell, the drie dwaze dagen sale at de Bijenkorf, and am forced to carry their bags while they scream at me “IK ZEG SKINNY JEANS, DIT IS EEN BOOTCUT JIJ IDIOOT.” I’ll say to my enemies, “no need to be so aggressive, I was just telling it like it is.”
The things I do for my readers!
1. Opening doors will not lead to dating Dutch women
As Grandmaster Flash once said in the song White Lines, ‘don’t, don’t, don’t do it!’ In most of the civilised world, holding doors open for women is considered to be chivalrous and the behaviour of a gentleman. Women usually appreciate such gestures. Not in the Netherlands! Even after 10 years in the land of deep fried cuisine, I still can’t break the habit of opening doors for women. If I’m about to walk into a cafe, and there’s a woman walking in at the same time, I’ll pause and hold the door open for her. What do I get in return? A look that says “this guy has just escaped from mental health institution.” Holding doors open for Dutch women will earn you scorn and contempt.
The Shallow Man’s advice is that when you see a woman walking behind you, just let the door shut in her face. She’ll love it! She might even and come over and say “wow you’re so well integrated with Dutch society, here’s my phone number.”
2. Be confident
In nature, a pack of wolves will pick off the weakest caribou then strike for the kill. A similar pattern can be seen in the Dutch dating game. A key thing to know about Dutch women is that they like to hunt in packs. If several men are together, Dutch women, through a series of shouting, rudeness, and intimidation, will eventually home in on the man most likely to carry their shopping bags for them at Albert Heijn in the near future. They’ll persist until their chosen victim has turned into a lump of quivering jelly. What you need to know is that as an expat, if you stand your ground in face of the ugg booted onslaught, that Dutch women will forgive you and may even find your self-confidence attractive. From Dutch men, they expect total acquiescence, and the ability to follow orders. As an expat, you’ll get away with standing up to them, and using a little humor always goes down well. (So I’m told).
3. Dutch women are never wrong about anything!
If you’re from London, and a Dutch woman tells you the name of what she says is THE coolest club in the city, don’t politely point out to her that the place she’s referring to has been closed down for several years, and is in fact used as an old peoples home. A key thing I’ve learned about Dutch women is that they’re always right. So don’t argue, smile and nod politely and say “ja, je hebt gelijk.”
4. Flash the Spaarzegels
If you want to impress Dutch women, forget showing your car keys, or talking about how fine the wool is that your suits are made from. Instead, whip it out! (Not what you’re thinking). Whip out the Albert Heijn spaarzegels (saving stamps). Dutch women, are used to dating Dutch men, whose deep and passionate love of money is legendary. I was watching the Dutch news earlier this week where an entire town will be without gas for the next few days. You could see that some of the affected residents were rubbing their hands with glee at the thought of how much money they’ll save on energy bills as a result.
Spaarzegels can be bought for 0.10 cents a time with each purchase at Albert Heijn. When you have a full book of stamps (this will cost 49 euros) Albert Heijn will give you 52 euros cash. This is a higher interest rate than you’ll receive from any bank. Impress your Dutch lady by waving your almost full book of stamps in her face, she’ll be like krentenbollen in your hands, and hopefully not as greasy.
5. Never ask a Dutch woman to cook
If you value your life, never, ever, get the idea in your head to ask your Dutch partner to cook for you. Don’t even ask for a sandwich. A lot of Dutch women, just like their British counterparts believe that critical processes in preparing a meal involve a microwave, or a dangerous driving scooter rider to execute the delivery of the dish. If you actually have the temerity to request a home cooked meal (even if you’ve cooked for her before) don’t be surprised if she turns into an angry shouting demon as a result. “Hoe haal je het in je hoofd??????”
6. Never join in with her bitching about her friends
Another thing to know about dating Dutch women is that Dutch antelopes can be somewhat confusing. If you’re dating one, you’ll get used to agreeing with her the whole time just to keep the peace. If, as is highly likely you’re not paying attention, and she says “Who does Anouk think she is wearing such tight jeans, I think they were too tight.” Don’t whatever you do, agree with her, or make a comment such as, “yes her butt looks as if it’s attempting to stage a prison break from her jeans.” This will only earn you comments such as “What!!! have you been checking out her butt? Is that what you like then? WHY DON’T YOU GO OUT WITH HER???”
7. Know your place
This is how you’ll see yourself in the relationship with your Dutch partner.
This is how she’ll see you.
So to summarise, what you really need to know about dating Dutch women is the following:
- Be bloody rude they’re used to it, and will not respect you if you’re polite
- Agree with everything they say
- Be as tight with money as the untouched genitals of a virgin flea
- Order takeaways or do the cooking (all the time)
- Know your place
No pizza delivery riders were hurt during the writing of this post.
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