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UK Brexit British Refugees to move to the Netherlands

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UK Brexit the British are coming

So there we have it. Thanks to a combination of pensioners, the unemployed and flag waving nationalists, many with no clue what they were actually voting for, UK Brexit is a reality. Applause! No sooner had the results sunk in, people throughout the UK cried “what have we done?” There’s even a petition, calling for another Brexit referendum, which at the time of writing, has over three million votes! Leading to the hashtag #regrexit  To which the Shallow Man can only say dumb, dumb, dumb!

brexit hangover
I thought I was voting for the deportation of Polish people from the UK

Coffin Dodgers victorious

Personally, I blame the UK National Health Service for the UK Brexit result. Had they not provided such excellent services, we wouldn’t have had so many bitter, nationalist pensioners running around in such good health that they could get out and vote.

Sixty one percent of people aged over 65 voted to leave the EU. Which makes sense, they’re not long for this world, so why care about the impact on younger generations? What matters is that now that the UK is leaving the EU, we can get back to how things were.

Uk Brexit
England oh England! @diamondgeezer twitter

If I follow the logic of the old and the clueless, prior to joining the EU, those really were great days. In fact, the UK had three day working weeks, which meant that men could spend lots of time getting drunk in pubs, (who only had British staff serving the drinks) then go home and slap the wife around, as domestic abuse laws (later forced on the UK by the EU) hadn’t been invented.  There was none of this human rights nonsense, nor political correctness. There wasn’t a Pole or Romanian anywhere to be seen in the UK, those were glorious days, and thanks to Nige (Nigel Farage) and Boris, we’ll have them back again.

solution for the brexit hangover
If only we’d had this in the UK prior to the vote

 

The impact of UK Brexit on the Netherlands

I’ve had a few smug comments from Dutch people I know about Brexit, but before you get too comfortable, where do you think that many of those who voted to remain will end up? Until March 2019, UK passport holders can still take advantage of unrestricted freedom of movement within the EU. There are already discussions on social media about mass migration from the UK of remain voters to another European country. So where to go? A number of countries have been considered including:

France

Wonderful place, great food, and wine, but sadly, full of French people

Belgium

Not only is it tiny, but people there speak French and another language that sounds as if they’re choking on a portion of Vlaamse friets.

Nederland mijn nieuwe vaderland

So obviously there’s only one choice for Brits that wish to leave the UK. A country famous for its (alleged) tolerance. A place where everyone speaks English. Well almost everyone, and if they don’t, that’s ok. Simply shout as loud as you can, while speaking as slowly as if addressing a three-year-old. “HELLO CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE I CAN HAVE A MASSAGE WITH A HAPPY ENDING? WHAT DID YOU SAY? ROT OP? YES THANK YOU, WELL ROT OP TO YOU TOO”

The Netherlands is the perfect country for British people looking to start a new life and turn their backs on the morons that voted for leaving the European Union.

uk brexit
With hindsight if only we’d voted remain

The Shallow Man post-UK Brexit guide to the Netherlands

There’ll be many British refugees,  looking to live in the most tolerant country IN THE WORLD!  The Shallow Man is duty bound to provide some cultural tips to my fellow Brits about life in the Netherlands. So to help them with their integration here, which will be painful, here are some essential tips for British refugees.

The things I do for my countrymen!

Is the picture below?

A. An Amsterdam Canal

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B. A toilet?

Amsterdam has beautiful toilets
Amsterdam has beautiful toilets

If you answered B, you’ll seriously need to get a grip. Yes, in the past, you might have been to Amsterdam for a stag weekend, or a hen night. After nine or ten beers too many,  you may have decided that the canals were a perfect open air toilet. However, the local emergency services don’t enjoy fishing the dead bodies of Brits out of canals. If the Police catch you using the canals as a WC, you will most likely be fined seventy-five euros for ‘wildplassen’ which will not be a good start to your time here. At night, do what everyone else does. Go to one of the many Amsterdam bars, and pay to use the facilities, or god forbid, hold it till you get home.

wildplassmall

The Dutch and refugees

The Dutch are not very keen on refugees. In fact, one of the main reasons given by Geert Wilders and others, to objecting to refugees from Syria, is that Dutch women wouldn’t be safe with male refugees running around. There’s a general belief that the combination of black jeans with holes in the knees, and white sneakers, is enough to turn male refugees into sexual predators.

I can speak on behalf of UK males when I say that the dress sense of the average Dutch meisje, is more likely to invoke laughter, rather than rabid animal lust, so no problem there then.

uk brexit
No need to worry about UK refugees harassing local women

Buy a bloody bike

When you move here, the first thing you need to do is to buy yourself the cheapest, most decrepit, clapped out bike you can find. Take a photo of it. That way, when Dutch people ask you how you arrived somewhere, and you say, “I used public transport”, and they look at you as if you’ve got two heads, you can whip out the picture of your bike, and say, “Look I do own a bike, it just needs repairing at the moment.” This will stop the tedious twenty-minute interrogation about why you don’t own a bike.

Be Grateful

The UK will be out of the EU, so pretty soon, we’ll have to face the kind of patronizing comments usually reserved for Eastern Europeans, Africans, and people from Latin America. Comments such as “Oh you must be very happy to be here in the Netherlands because your country is”

  1. Poor
  2. Dangerous
  3. Corrupt
  4. Not as tolerant as the Netherlands
  5. Not in the EU

Sadly, whereas in the past, you could have replied with vicious sarcasm, Brits in the Netherlands will have to learn to bite their tongues and say, “yes I’m so happy to be here, thank you for personally allowing me to move to your country.”

Some additional integration tips for British refugees

1. Learn to drive like the Dutch

When you get into your car, think of it as a mobile sovereign state, or better still an embassy on wheels, with its own laws and diplomatic immunity applied to the driver. Never, ever, use the indicators, other road users should be able to guess in which direction you intend to turn. Feel free to use your phone, or better still, whip out your IPAD and read the news while driving at 130 kilometers an hour down a residential street, it’s ok, je hebt haast. If a pedestrian comes anywhere near a zebra crossing, put your bloody foot down and try and run them over. Watch how they jump back onto the pavement, grappig!!!

Oh and if you’re too mean to pay for parking in Amsterdam, just leave your car on the pavement.

Car accident - NSE Malaysia
A minor collision caused by Jeroen calling Anouk and asking her to buy him some more hair gel

2. Cycle like the Dutch

Don’t give a dinosaurs poo about anyone else but yourself. The roads are a jungle, and you’re a lion, let them hear your roar if they dare get in your way.

 

3. Learn Dutch

This last tip might sound obvious, but yes, the Dutch actually do have their own language.  Getting them to speak it to you will be as challenging as finding a woman without micro denim hotpants on a sunny day in Amsterdam, but persevere. Dutch is incredibly useful if you intend to do some flirting with the locals, or need to respond sarcastically to the typical Dutch service.

Welcome to Holland

Boris Johnson might have sacrificed the stability and economic growth of the UK on the altar of his political ambition, but never mind, I’m sure that my fellow British citizens will be welcomed to the Netherlands with open arms.

uk brexit
Happy Dutch people welcoming British refugees

 

No flag waving fascists were hurt during the writing of this post

Until next time, remember that Hitler was a vegetarian…

 

 

 

About Simon Woolcot

Infamous blogger, annoyance and self confessed Shallow Man . Simon is a British expat who has lived in Amsterdam for over 11 years, and due to Brexit may soon be applying for asylum. As well as writing this blog, Simon also has a YouTube channel of the same name, writes and directs videos, and hosts seminars about life in the Netherlands

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