Culture Shock the tale of an Indian woman and her relationship with A Dutch guy
One of the joys of being the Shallow Man is that I regularly receive messages from my readers about their experiences and encounters with the Dutch. Over the years many posts I’ve written about dating the Dutch have been based on such messages. Today’s post was sent to me by an Indian woman who had a relationship with a Dutch guy for 2 years. While reading it there were times that I almost choked on my bitterballen. The Indian woman would like to remain anonymous so I’ve changed a couple of details to protect the guilty. There are some points in this story which I hope will help people.
I’ll hand the story over to the lady in question.
The things I do for my readers!
An Indian woman in a relationship with a Dutch guy – Culture shock!
So I was dating a Dutch Guy for 2 years. We met in India where he was a kut expat and so that’s how our story began. When I first saw him he stood out like a Dutch woman at a bar not wearing sneakers. Even though he was wearing flip flops at an upmarket bar I didn’t ignore him when he came over to me to say hello. We hit it off immediately and soon we were an item. It was good in the beginning, but that’s always the case right? Together we were like stroopwafels and dental cavities, like cycling and sexting. It was so intense, we were in love. After he finished his assignment he went back to Holland and we were in touch every day. I missed him, I needed him and after 6 months apart I decided to visit him in the Netherlands.
Welcome to Holland!
It was my first time in Europe, things were new for me, a totally different culture that I knew nothing about. It was also my first relationship with a Dutch guy. He came to receive me at the airport and took me to his place.
So he was supposed to show me the Netherlands as he was now my boyfriend and I was visiting for the first time. Do you want to guess what the first place he took me to was? You might say a day trip to Amsterdam or to the Euromast in Rotterdam, or something like that right? Nee hoor! They weren’t on the agenda. In fact, he took me to a SEX SHOP. I thought that maybe that’s where the Dutch go on their first dates. After all, it’s famous for being a very liberal country. So I didn’t react but in my head, I was like, what does he think of me that this is the first place that he takes me to? By the way, I am talking about a guy who was 28 years old at that time. I won’t tell you what he bought, but yes we did split the cost.
My relationship with a Dutch guy wasn’t what I thought it was
Later as time went by I got to know him and his family more closely. My first visit was almost ending as I was on a 3-month tourist visa and then I got to know that this guy was sleeping with his ex-girlfriend during the time he was in touch with me every day while I was in India. It was devastating for me, I was lying next to him in bed and while he was asleep I was having this sinking feeling as if I was going to drown in the bed or the bed was just going to swallow me up.
He tried to escape this whole thing by saying that I was nothing to him during that whole time when he was in touch with me and that he considered me just someone who he had a casual fling with. A sort of good friend with benefits! He seemed to have forgotten about:
- the love letters he left hidden at my place that I found after he left
- the number of times he’d told me how much he loved me
- the constant texting and sexting and video chats.
But no, apparently that meant nothing and I was just a “fling” nothing important to him and he’d been seeing his ex from the moment he returned to the Netherlands.
Love is blind
My love for him was very huge, it blinded me so much that all I could see was him despite his flaws because I think everyone makes mistakes. I forgave him. I quickly visited him again and within 10 days of my staying with him, he broke up with me. I was devasted. I went to Greece for a holiday. I asked him not to contact me anymore since I don’t have the habit of staying in touch with my EXs. Initially, he cried about it that I was not even allowing him to be my friend but later he agreed. After 3 or 4 days of not talking to me, he started texting and calling me, sending me all these 10 paragraphs long messages when I was not responding, saying that he missed me so much and that he saw me in his dreams and blah blah blah, I was still not responding but later of course I did and we got back together again.
My holiday was cut short and I had to return to the Netherlands because there was an earthquake in Greece. I was carrying a lot of luggage with me. When I was coming back to the Netherlands he was in France with his guy friends on holiday so he couldn’t come to pick me up from the airport. His mother was in touch with me because I had to go to her place since he was not in town. She knew there was an earthquake in Greece and that I had a lot of luggage with me but she didn’t offer to even pick me up from the train station in her town let alone Schiphol Airport. Instead, she said she planned to walk her dog. (That’s ruff). So I took a cab instead.
And so after some days, he returned. I still had one month left on my visa to spend time with him. We were mostly at home and when people asked him if he showed me around in the Netherlands he said yes he showed me his bedroom and laughed.
Only tourists and expats smoke weed…
I knew he smoked weed once in a while but that month when I was there he started doing it on a regular basis and I didn’t like it, after telling him several times not to do it or at least reduce it, he didn’t listen to me at all so one day I decided to throw his 10 euros of weed away and it was mostly a joke for me. I knew he could go and buy it again. So when he found out that I’d thrown his weed away he said ‘wait until I throw you away from my house’.
I was surprised someone who says he loves me so much could say something like that for 10 euros worth of drugs. He got so angry that he even asked me to book my return ticket as soon as possible and get the fuck out of his house.
Later after his temper had cooled off he apologised and that he didn’t mean it. Things were not so nice with him after that but I was still so in love with him that I completely lost my own worth and got so lost in him that I didn’t know what was the right thing to do anymore. But he kind of always played like the nice guy who said and did bad things with me and then apologized later saying he didn’t mean it accompanied with a lot of tears, what was I supposed to do when I saw tears? So I believed him.
After a lot of back and forth and lots of discussion on why he was still contacting his ex-girlfriend every time I left Holland (for jiggy-jiggy obviously) it finally ended between me and him.
If you don’t have empathy learn to fake it
Last summer I was in Holland again since I started my master’s degree in Europe, I was there in Holland for a short summer break. It had been 3 months since we had broken up. He knew I was in Holland and then something very unusual happened to me. I was literally on the streets at midnight because another Dutch guy who I considered a friend had kicked me out of his apartment because I refused to have sex with him. I was alone in the streets around 12 or 1 am with my big suitcase and so I thought someone who I put so much time and effort into could at least come and help me. Apparently, I was wrong, I called him, he refused to let me stay at his place for that night because he said he had nothing to do with my situation. I am talking about the guy who used to shed tears and say how painful the breakup was for him and that I could always count on him whenever there was something wrong.
He refused to help me that night, and so I didn’t bother him anymore. Things didn’t go well with me after that night but somehow I managed, I think it only made me stronger and helped me really see his real side. For me, it was just that even a stranger would be more willing to help me in such a bad situation knowing that I come from very far away, don’t know anyone in a foreign country and I wasn’t even an enemy to him, I was his lover. I don’t understand what some people are made of.
Honestly, I have met really nice Dutch people after that incident, so I would never say that all Dutch people are the same as him. But this was a very bad experience for me this relationship with a Dutch guy, even if he was the last boy alive on this planet I still wouldn’t want to be with him. Like drop, he left a bitter taste in my mouth. You see I can even joke about this now.
I’m stronger and wiser and hope that reading this will help some people to realise that sometimes if something looks like bitterballen, tastes like bitterballen and smells like bitterballen, they probably are bitterballen.
No doormats were trodden on during the writing of this post.