learn Dutch with the shallow man

Seven Tips on How to Survive Dutch Service

December 18, 2014 By Simon Woolcot

How to Survive Dutch Service, Seven Essential Tips

The Netherlands, and Amsterdam in particular is famous for its picturesque canals, beautiful (but badly dressed) women, international character and terrible, shocking, appallingly bad service, or as the Dutch call it??belabberde service?. With this in mind, the Shallow Man, staying true to his remit of educating, informing and entertaining, has decided to advise his Multikulti expat flock on how to respond to appalling Dutch service, in het Nederlands.

Some of the Dutch phrases I’m about to teach you could be perceived as being rude, but the Shallow Man believes in telling it like it is. Big thanks to my Dutch teacher at Koentact for her assistance and patience, as always.

Now this post might be upsetting to some, and if as a result, I’m captured by a group of angry cafe employees, and am forced to listen as they explain that working in a cafe is not their chosen career path and that they are only doing this job while they study to become accountants, I’ll say to my enemies, “goede keuze, je autisme komt heel goed van pas als je als paperclip teller voor 1 van de big 4 werkt.”

The things I do for my readers!

1.?How to Deal with the Classics of Dutch Service

One of the first Dutch phrases that expats learn when they move to the Netherlands and attempt to solicit service is this now classic and notorious phrase…

Nee, dat kan (helaas) niet/ Dat is (helaas) niet mogelijk.

I’m sure that somewhere in the Netherlands is a Dutch service training school for people that will work with the general public. There they learn that?instead of helping customers, or attempting to find a solution to a problem, that the simple answer to use ALL the time is?Nee, dat kan (helaas) niet/ Dat is (helaas) niet mogelijk.

How to respond in Dutch

O, wat vervelend, kunt u mij uitleggen waarom niet? Of moet ik dat even vragen aan uw manager?/Oh how annoying, can you please explain why not or should I ask your manager instead?

Don’t hold your breath that this will help as where there are poorly trained staff, then there are often also indifferent and disinterested managers. You can at least try. Another option, of course, is to simply (as I have done several times) just walk out of the establishment and spend your hard earned money elsewhere.

Dutch service affects all levels — Be thankful

2.?The Waitress That Says She Can’t Help You as You’re Sat in the Wrong Place

Is there anything more annoying than when you’ve been sitting in a cafe for what feels like ages. You’ve watched other diners meet, become couples, breakup and get back together again while you’ve been waiting to be served. Finally, a waitress arrives, dying of thirst you reach out to her, like a drowning Dutch TV presenter grasping?for a lifebelt.

She looks at you as if you’re a piece of ever present Amsterdam dog poo that some selfish animal lover has left on the pavement in front of her door. She then says “Ik kan u helaas niet bedienen, mijn collega doet deze tafels.”/”Sorry but my colleague is serving this table.”

So some questions immediately spring to mind.

When you arrive in a cafe, how in the name of Bob Marley are you supposed to know who should be serving your table?
Is it really so difficult for the waitress to simply take your order and give it to the invisible person that’s supposed to be serving you?
Why do waiting staff in the Netherlands always say this in a tone of voice that seems to imply that YOU are the problem for not knowing who should be serving you

How to respond in Dutch

Jij: Oh wat jammer nou. Wat is precies je naam? –Pak je telefoon– Ik was net bezig op Yelp?(=recensie website restaurants) jullie service een rating te geven en het is voor mijn verhaal wel leuk als ik er een naam bij heb.

3. When You Wait for Ages and You Haven’t Been given a Menu.

Catholics,?are taught that between heaven and hell is a place called purgatory, where you can wait for thousands of years prior to entering heaven. Well?you can prepare yourself for the long wait in the afterlife by experiencing Dutch service?in some restaurants.

How to respond in Dutch

When the waiter finally arrives, you can say the following:

Optie 1: Je zegt tegen een ober: Krijgen we hier een menu of heb ik het concept verkeerd begrepen? (of course you didn’t misunderstand the concept. they’re just too slow).
Optie 2: Weglopen en naar een ander restaurant gaan
Optie 3: Naar de bar lopen en zelf een menu pakken. (lekker pro-actief! Daar houden Nederlanders van)

When receiving poor Dutch service use Monopoly money to tip — Good advice

4. When You’re in a Shop and the Staff Ignore You

The Shallow Man once waited around in a PC Hooftstraat store while the two members of staff present discussed what a fabulous club they’d been to the night before. I knew that they were talking nonsense as Amsterdam has a distinct lack of fabulous clubs.

How to respond in Dutch

Jij: Sorry dat ik jullie enorm interessante conversatie moet verstoren maar ik had even een vraagje.

You: Sorry to interrupt your thrilling conversation but I have a question.

5. When They Close the Bloody till While You’ve Been Waiting in Line!

I’ve had this happen to me. I was standing in line at BCC for ages, waiting to pay for some kind of gadget. There were only two tills open, and a long queue for both. Finally, like a dying man in a desert that sees an oasis (water not the band) in front of him, there was only one person ahead of me. This person paid, and then immediately afterward they closed the till! Just like that. No apology or acknowledgment of the well-dressed man that had patiently been waiting there. I was expected to get to the back of the adjacent queue!

In normal circumstances, I would expect them to at least say, ?”Sorry meneer, we gaan nu helaas sluiten.”

How to respond in Dutch

Jij: Geen probleem. Ik ga anders wel even naar de mediamarkt, die is tot 20.00 open. Toch wel jammer he? Dat de kleine electronicazaken tegenwoordig bijna allemaal failliet gaan. Dat ligt ongetwijfeld aan de crisis. Fijne dag nog!

6.?When You Hire a Company and Pay Them Lots of Money to eradicate mice

In Amsterdam, there’s no chance of ever being lonely, as there will?always be mice paying you visits.?They make friendly neighbors, popping in to borrow some cheese, or to take a look at your copy of the John Steinbeck novel ‘of Mice and Men.’ Having had enough of laying mouse traps in the apartment, and waking up to the sight of dead mice first thing in the morning, I decided to hire a pest control company. They claimed that they would block all of the access points where mice entered my humble abode. A lot of money was handed over to them, and for a week or two, I saw no evidence of mice.

A couple of weeks later, I witnessed a mouse, attempting to exit my kitchen with a jar of peanut butter strapped?to its back. I called the pest control company, and the next day had the same guy who’d botched the previous job return to explain how this was possible. ?With the eloquence of a graduate of the Royal Shakespeare Company?he delivered a long monolog about how mice are incredibly resourceful and creative and are constantly developing new techniques to enter apartments. He then had the cheek to ask for some more money.

How to respond in Dutch

Jij: O wat naar! Weet je wat die vervelende muizen ook hebben gedaan? Ze hebben jullie facturen opgegeten. Ik kan je dus helaas geen vergoeding bieden voor deze uitermate goede service.

Poor Dutch service leading to a mouse being caught in trap in my apartment — How I love waking up to the sight of dead mice

7. When?UPC ask you if you’ve rebooted the media box

If you have Ziggo?as your provider, then you know all about poor Dutch service. Ziggo (formerly UPC?Horizon) is about as trustworthy as a footballer’s girlfriend. When you call them?for the tenth time that month, due to the WIFI at home being as slow as using KPN 3G, save yourself some time by saying the following:

“Before you ask, yes I’ve rebooted the media box, and yes I took the power cable out and waited for 30 seconds, it’s still as slow as a Dutchman reaching for his wallet on a first date.”

The Ziggo?support staff are often thicker than Yolantha Cabau’s collagen stuffed lips.

Huge lips overfilled with collagen thicker than Ziggo support staff — Ziggo support staff are often thicker than these lips

The only thing to say to UPC staff is the following:

Was je altijd al zo slecht in je werk, of heb je daar een speciale cursus voor gevolgd?

Extra tips

Add sarcasm to your answers. The Dutch are used to that. It is a good way to express a feeling of unhappiness about a situation. You can add an extra hint of sarcasm by

-Using diminutives ?noun+(t)je?. Zou u heel misschien een stapje opzij kunnen doen?

-Use: O wat+vervelend/jammer/naar. O wat jammer dat u niet op de tweede verdieping bezorgt.

-Use: misschien when something is quite obvious. Zouden wij misschien een menukaart kunnen krijgen voor sluitingstijd

Is er nog hoop?

De gouden tip is eigenlijk dat je slechte service niet moet accepteren door het te vermijden. Bijvoorbeeld wat betreft de horeca is er ook onder Amsterdammers veel onvrede over de belabberde service (in het Parool is er zelfs een wekelijkse rubriek aan gewijd). Doordat het steeds meer een topic wordt, is in Amsterdam het aantal plekken waar het personeel streng gescreend wordt gestegen (voorbeeld: de Biertuin, Bukowski, Smoking Barrels, de Waterkant).

Wil je zeker zijn van een goede service van wat dan ook, check recensies op internet, luister naar tips van vrienden en blijf altijd lachen. Dan overleef je het wel! Succes!

Remember that the Internet is no friend of places that provide bad service. Get on Yelp, IENS and other review sites and make damn sure that you tell others when you receive poor service. On a positive note, I will add that the Shallow Man has seen some improvement in Dutch service in recent years, so?slowly things are changing.

A huge thank you to Koentact for their assistance with this post.

No Shakespearean pest controllers were hurt?during the writing of this post.

Until next time, hou je kop!

How to Break up with Your Dutch Partner

December 11, 2014 By Simon Woolcot

Dutch phrase of the week: How to Break up with Your Dutch Partner, the correct Dutch phrases to use.

Ik heb helaas slecht nieuws, yes it’s that time of the week I know you’ve been dreading, it’s Dutch phrase of the week. So last week you learned how to flirt with the Dutch in het Nederlands, mooi! Now we’ll assume that after a suitable period of time that the urge to have casual sex is simply too great to resist. Christmas is a great time to be in a relationship, but New Years Eve is like walking around blindfolded on the set of a porn movie, you’re bound to touch something that gives you pleasure!

Daarom leren we jullie deze week zeven zinnen die gebruikt worden bij het be?indigen van een relatie. Zowel nuttig voor dader als voor slachtoffer.

That’s why we’ll teach you seven sentences that can be used to end a relationship, in Dutch, that will be useful for both the assassin and the victim.

A big thank you to my Dutch teacher at Koentact?for her invaluable assistance and cultural advice. She’s not slapped me yet, which is a good sign.

Now this post might be annoying to some, and if as a result I’m hunted down by a ‘happy couple’ and am forced to join them for dinner?while they sit and say nothing to each other the entire evening, ?I’ll say to my enemies, ‘if you’re plan was to depress me, congratulations, you’ve succeeded.’

The things I do for my readers!

We moeten praten ? We have to talk.

Duidelijk!

If a Dutch woman is saying this to you, then my first piece of advice is to make sure that you’re sitting down, less the shock of a Dutch woman wanting to talk, as opposed to shouting or giving orders might cause you to pass out. The modal verb ‘moeten’ indicates the importance of the discussion. If your Dutch partner says this, then you should already have an idea what the discussion is going to be about. Don’t jump for joy immediately though, it could also be the case that they are feeling guilty at having tipped the waiter/waitress at an eetcafe more than seventy five cents and they are feeling guilty about it. Wait for the completion of the sentence before punching your fist in the air and shouting “FREE AT LAST.”

Alternatively, you can also use “We moeten praten,” to get across how serious the subject of discussion is going to be. For example, to your Dutch girlfriend you can say “Ik ben allergisch voor denim, ?dus….”

Het werkt niet (meer) tussen ons. ? It?doesn’t?work anymore between us

In het Nederlands

Dit is een interessante. Hierbij wordt namelijk het disfunctioneren van de relatie gepresenteerd als feit zodat de persoon die het uitmaakt geen blaam treft. ?Het werkt niet meer? als in: ?E=mc2?. Het lijkt hierbij geen keuze te zijn zodat de ?uitmaker? vrij lijkt te zijn van schuld. In werkelijkheid is het natuurlijk een laffe manier om te zeggen ?Ik wil dat deze relatie stopt? om wat voor reden dan ook.

In English

Well it’s good to know that some sayings can be translated directly to English from Dutch. The interesting thing here is that the not working part of the relationship is represented as the problem, rather than the person who is doing the breaking up. “It doesn’t work anymore between us” as in ‘E=mc2.’ There’s no choice but to draw the curtains on the relationship, this is said in such a way that the person making the decision to end it all is absolutely free from blame. In reality it’s a cowardly, (but convenient) way to say ‘I want this relationship to end’ while acting as if the decision to do the dirty deed was made by a third party.

“Ik heb een email van Sinterklaas, hij zegt dat het werkt niet meer tussen ons.”

“According to my horoscope, it doesn’t work anymore between us”

Het ligt niet aan jou maar aan mij. ? It’s not you, it?s me.

In het Nederlands

?Liggen aan? betekent: als oorzaak hebben. Het heeft dus niks te maken met liggen (to lay down).

Ook een veelgehoorde die gebruikt wordt om de ander zo min mogelijk te kwetsen. In feite is het zelden echt waar dat het niet aan die ander ligt want als iemand leuk genoeg was geweest dan had de relatie niet be?indigd hoeven worden natuurlijk ;). In het Nederlands noemen we dit soort taalgebruik ?gebakken lucht?: wat je zegt heeft eigenlijk geen inhoud.

In English

The classic comedy show Seinfeld, manages to summarise in less than two minutes ‘It’s not you it’s me’. The only correction I’d make is that George Costanza didn’t invent ‘It’s Not You it’s Me’ The Shallow Man claims the rights to that one.

Mijn gevoel voor jou is niet meer wat het was. ? My feelings for you aren’t what they once were?

Is: present tense

Was: past tense

Tja. Dat zegt al genoeg. Het gevoel is past tense. Kun je niks tegenin brengen. Het gevoel van een ander valt niet te betwisten natuurlijk?

For the Gentlemen

Gentlemen, you know how it feels when the Playstation or Xbox game that you’ve been looking forward to arrives. You play with it, it’s wonderful! It’s entertaining, you can barely go to sleep as all you want to do is play with it some more, and then, one day, it just doesn’t thrill you as much as it once did. Your feelings for the game are not what they once were.

For the ladies

Ladies, you know that feeling when the sex toy you’ve been looking forward to arrives. You play with it………

De koek is op

In het Nederlands

Nederlanders zijn dol op koekjes. Speculaasjes, stroopwafels, scholiertjes, spritsen. De variatie aan koekjes is enorm. Als de koekjes op zijn is er natuurlijk een groot probleem. Vandaar dat dit heeft geresulteerd in een interessant spreekwoord. De relatie wordt in deze context vergeleken met een koek en als die koek op is dan is het over. Let op: gebruik dit spreekwoord alleen in de singularisvorm. In pluralisvorm heeft het geen figuurlijke betekenis.

Wordt ook vaak gebruikt als mensen (lees: vrouwen) op de klippen gelopen relaties van andere mensen bespreken.

Lot: Ik hoorde dat Anouk?en Jeroen uit elkaar zijn. Wie had dat nou gedacht na zeven jaar? Ze leken altijd zo?n perfect stel!

Susanne: Tja? De koek was op.

Lot: Oh ok, ja kan gebeuren. Als de koek op is, dan is ie gewoon op.

In English

I can’t think of any equivalent. In the UK cakes are normally eaten by people?’up north’. In the south we don’t have deep and meaningful relationships with puddings. The Dutch on the other hand are crazy about cakes throughout the land so describe the ending of a relationship as “de koek is op.”

Ik heb meer vrijheid nodig ? I need more freedom.

Nodig hebben is: to need. Note: In Dutch this expression has an auxiliary verb (hebben). There is always an element between hebben and nodig.

?Ik heb een nieuwe laptop nodig?

?We hebben echt meer tijd nodig?

‘Ik heb?gevaarlijk platte schoenen nodig’ (Dutch females)

In English

I need more space. Which means, I need to go out and try more people.

How to break up with Dutch people — People rarely tell the truth when breaking up

Ik ben verliefd op een ander. ? I’m in love with someone else.

In het Nederlands

Verliefd worden op een ander kan natuurlijk iedereen overkomen. Je kunt ?zoals in de zinnen hierboven- een lulverhaal ophangen over het zoeken van je eigen weg. Maar als je echt duidelijk wil zijn, dan is de weg van de harde waarheid toch de beste keus. Deze zin is tevens te gebruiken om van een scharrel af te komen die het niet helemaal heeft begrepen en iets te eager is om huisje boompje beestje met jou te spelen. Het is pijnlijk maar de boodschap is duidelijk. Scherpe messen schone wonden zoals de uitdrukking in het Nederlands luidt.

In English

Tinder, tinder, tinder. There was a time when people were grateful, yes grateful that they’d found someone who could put up with them. Not anymore, lots of very average looking people now believe that they are the equivalent of Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie and deserve better. So with a few swipes and some inane child like text messages they are quickly getting sweaty with a willing antelope or lion. The next thing you know, they’re in love, when in fact, it’s lust, but they often won’t find out till it’s too late. Their loss, not yours.

it's not you, someone better — Between the cheats

Oja nog even op de valreep. Een top 5 van dingen die je vooral NIET moet zeggen als afsluiting van het moeilijke gesprek.

Laten we vrienden blijven /Let’s be friends. Yeah right, it’s the most natural thing in the world to simply go from being lovers to friends.
Laten we nog ??n keer met elkaar naar bed gaan om het af te sluiten./Let’s have sex one more time to end things. For some reason this tends to go down like offering a Rabbi a bacon sandwich
Mijn andere exen reageerden een stuk minder emotioneel./My other exes didn’t react as emotionally as you, nor were they so pleased
Over een jaar lachen we erom./In a year’s time we’ll laugh about this.
Ik heb je spullen gisteren alvast klaargezet in een doos. Kun je die meteen meenemen?/I packed your stuff yesterday into a box, could you take it with you now please?

We hopen dat deze Nederlandse les je zal helpen als je een Nederlander dumpt of wanneer je juist gedumpt wordt door een Nederlander. In beide gevallen wensen we je heel veel succes en vooral ook sterkte!

A huge battery free thank you to the Koentact Dutch language school, for proving that the Dutch do have a wicked sense of humor.

No cheating exes were hurt during the writing of this post

Till next time, hou je snavel!

Seven Shades of Neuken

November 20, 2014 By Simon Woolcot

Dutch Phrase of the Week: The Seven Shades of Neuken

The Shallow Man, in his never ending quest to teach expats all about life in the Netherlands, has been providing weekly posts about different aspects of the Dutch language. Previously?we discussed the term?Mierenneuker (someone that is annoyingly precise about everything) which led to lots of reactions. What provides the term?Mierenneuker it’s bite, is that it’s combined with an often used Dutch taboo word neuken.

With the assistance of my friends at Koentact, I’ve put together seven shades of neuken, better said seven common uses of this taboo and rather rude word. Again, remember that the purpose of this post is to inform, educate and entertain. ?So if as a result, I’m chased by a group of angry mothers who shout “how could you write such a thing, what about the children?” I’ll shout back “don’t make your inability to supervise your kids my problem”.

The things I do for my readers!

1. Neuken

The word ‘neuken’ has many meanings, but the most often used variant of this word means?what some would refer to as copulation, jiggy- jiggy, horizontal jogging, porking, or as the late, great, Barry White would have said?making love. The literal translation of neuken in English is fuc**ng.

Grammar

Neuken is a regular verb which is conjugated as follows:

Present Ik neuk ?/I f**k

Past ik neukte / I f**ked

Present perfect ik heb geneukt/ I have f**ked

Indicative Passive

Ik word/werd geneukt? I am/was being f**ked

‘Ik werd geneukt’ is often shouted by groups of Dutch women in cafes when explaining to their friends?how they spent the previous evening.

Rudeness Rating / Grofheids Rating: 5/5 (NL)

It’s interesting to note that the original meaning of neuken was stoten, which is?to bump into something. ?Reportedly?there’s an etymological link to the English word ‘to knock’. This could be plausible as I’m reliably informed that the Afrikaans word ‘neuk’ still means ‘slaan’ or to hit. If you’re in South Africa and someone says to you??ek gaan jou neuk? they are not inviting you to bed for an evening of jiggy-jiggy. You might want to adapt your Dutch dirty talk if you end up hitting the jackpot while there.

2. Droogneuken

Rudeness Rating / Grofheids Rating: 4/5 (NL)

Droogneuken means what you think it does, ?literally ‘to dry fuck’. It’s a saying that’s very popular amongst young Dutch people. It refers to the ultimate form of safe sex. Both parties simulate sex but all sexual organs remain firmly locked away under denim.

Advantages

No chance of unwanted pregnancies
No sexually transmitted diseases
Expenditure on condoms (or Dutch caps) is saved thus making this form of sex very popular with the Dutch

Note: Droogneuken is not a separable work word as the elements droog and neuken need to remain stuck firmly (but safely) together, just like a couple involved in the aforementioned activity.

3. Neukbaar

Rudeness Rating / Grofheids Rating: 4/5 (NL)

The element ‘baar’ indicates that somethings is possible, just as with the word able in English. So for example, eetbar, drinkbaar, aaibaar etc. If you describe someone as neukbaar, then logically you are indicating that they are not only attractive but that you would like to have a sexual relationship with them but nothing more. So in other words, it’s the perfect word to describe someone whose profile you’ve swiped right on Tinder.

Jeroen: Wat vind je van Anouk?

Kees: Hmmm? Die is wel neukbaar ja..

My Dutch language teacher at Koentact claims that this term is used mainly by men, but can provide no evidence to support this rather sexist statement. Women quite rightly often regard being described as neukbaar as insulting. Due to the ever increasing number of English speaking expats in Amsterdam a new variation is also in use: ‘neukable’. It’s suspected that this is not used outside of Amsterdam

4. Neukertje

Rudeness Rating / Grofheids Rating: 5/5 (NL)

Those of you studying in?Amsterdam and Utrecht will be familiar with this term, it’s used to describe someone that you see occasionally for sex. This term is used by both sexes. It’s never used to describe your serious partner. It’s a more efficient and accurate description of a friend with benefits. Unless you’d like the supply of sex to stop it’s also not advisable to refer to your neukertje as such while in their presence.

Fleur: H? Marlies, met wie zit jij te appen?

Marlies: Oh met niemand, ik maak even een afspraak met m?n neukertje.

5. Iemand verneuken

Rudeness Rating / Grofheids Rating: 4/5 (NL)

Incredibly, the term verneuken, has nothing to do with sex. The prefix ‘ver-‘ shifts the meaning of this. Iemand verneuken is simply ‘to threaten someone in an aggressive and intimidating way. An example of this is that the majority of Dutch people feel ‘verneukt’ by the belastingdienst.?who kindly announced that they underestimated?the amount of tax owed by many for the 2013 tax year and will now be sending out demands for more money. As you can imagine this measure is as popular?as an anti-Zwarte Piet protester in Gouda.

6. Iets verneuken

Rudeness Rating / Grofheids Rating: 3/5 (NL)

Verneuken can be used for both someone or something. The moment something is verneukt, you’ve completely ruined something.

Fuck? Ik heb de sollicitatie echt verneukt ? de sollicitatie ging niet zoals verwacht.
?Kuuuhuut, ik heb mijn Iphone verneukt? ? de Iphone is gevallen en er zit een scheur in
Damn, my date with the expat lady was completely verneukt, she expected me to pay the entire bill!

7. Verneukeratief

Rudeness Rating / Grofheids Rating: 1/5 (NL)

The Dutch have a fantastic word that I love using, ‘nep’. So for example often when the Shallow Man is on the Metro heading to the Bijlmer Arena, I see very young ladies with Louis Vuitton handbags. The first thing that goes through my mind is “that bag isn’t real it’s nep!”. Verneukeratief is an adjective that can be used to indicate that something or someone is dishonest or misleading.

Examples:

?De nieuwste foto?s van Kim Kardashian lijken me nogal verneukeratief, er is absoluut photoshop aan te pas gekomen? /The newest photos from Kim Kardashian look false, (like most of her body) they’ve definitely been manipulated in Photoshop.

?Het verneukeratieve aan Nederlandse vrouwen is dat je nooit weet of je nou wel of niet de deur voor ze moet openhouden? /The misleading?thing about Dutch women is that you never know whether or not you should hold the door open for them.

(Never open the door for Dutch women, they will look at you as if they want to hold your head down in a canal until you drown).

The Shallow Man would like thank

The Koentact Dutch language school for their ratings of the seven shades of neuken.

One final tip is that we buitenlanders often think that it’s funny to say to Nederlanders ‘neuken in de keuken’ when they ask if you can speak Dutch. Hopefully this post has explained why perhaps that isn’t the best thing to do. Instead if an attractive Dutch lion or antelope asks you if you can speak Dutch, ?just say “ja ik kan wel Nederlands, ik vind je neukbaar”

No neukertjes were hurt during the writing of this post.

Until?next time happy droogneuken!

Dutch swear words

November 5, 2014 By Simon Woolcot

How to use swear words like the Dutch

The Dutch are famous for their cheese, but amongst expats, they are just as well known for their whine. A common form of whining from our eccentric hosts is “bloody foreigners come and work here, but don’t speak Dutch!”. Actually, I can recall a politician called Rita Verdonk, the founder of a political party called Trots op Nederland, that wanted to ban English being spoken in public. ?The?Gods of Dutch norms en waarden, Henk en Ingrid have given the Shallow Man the task to help integrate pesky foreigners into Dutch society. With that in mind, you really can’t integrate with the locals if you don’t know when and how to use Dutch swear words, which brings me to the subject of today’s post.

Now this post might annoy some, and if as a result I’m captured by a group of angry posh Dutch ladies from Blaricum?and am forced to watch all of the episodes of?Gooische Vrouwen, while being made to say ijskast instead of koelkast, and vruchten instead of fruit, I’ll say to my captors “laat me met rust, ik wil niet bekakt praten, jullie stijve kakkers”.

The things I do for my readers!

The creative Dutch language

Dutch is a creative language. Every year new words and phrases are discovered and created. This means that as a user of the Dutch language that you can also provide your own input on the subtle nuances of this Germanic language. (Sorry hoor, maar het is zo!)

New Dutch words are known as neologismes. I don’t know why but that sounds kind of sexual. “Oh Shallow Man you gave me such a huge neologisme!”. (Yes I can dream). An example of a recently created Dutch word is ‘stemfie’ ?Which means taking a selfie in a voting booth. (Why would you do this?) Another new word, believed to originate from Amsterdam Oud Zuid and Het Gooi is ‘hang au-pairs’. (Au-pairs that have too much free time and hang around cafe terraces).

Where you can find the Dutch at their most creative (apart from making up excuses to cover up their infidelities) is when it comes to swearing. Diseases and sexual organs are thrown around like xtc at a festival. Incredibly, the creativity in swearing does generally conform to a basic structure, which I’ll outline below.

The formal structure of Dutch swear words

If you’re going to swear at a Dutch person, do it properly!

Prefix= op + negatively loaded word

Op+rotten

Rotten= to rot. Obviously, fruit (or if you speak posh Dutch vruchten) can rot. The adjective rot is used to intone lots of negativity. For example rotwijf or more commonly “IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT HERE ROT OP NAAR JE EIGEN LAND!!” (Don’t mention Zwarte Piet)

Grofheidsrating/Rudeness rating 2/5

Op+flikkeren

Flikker= 1. A curse word for?homosexuals. 2. Als iets ?flikkert? that can mean?that something fell on the ground. ??Ik ben heel hard van mijn fiets geflikkerd” I’ll add (while texting or ignoring a red light).

Dit is een zeer informele manier van spreken. /Incredibly informal
Grofheidsrating: 3/5

Op+zouten

I’ll dedicate this one to Lars, who in response to a post I wrote about Zwarte Piet suggested that those that don’t like Dutch traditions should opzouten.

Zout=salt. It’s a mystery why salt can be used as one of the many common Dutch swear words. Perhaps one of my many Dutch readers or even Lars, you can explain how this came to be a curse word. It’s fairly inoffensive which is why my friends at Koentact gave it a low rudeness rating.
Grofheidsrating: 1/5

More Dutch swear words — “If you don’t like it here…”

Op+kankeren.

Kanker= Yes, no kidding, some Dutch people use cancer as a curse word. In bloody credible.?This is probably one of the worst forms of swearing possible, as just about everyone has or will know someone that has been affected by cancer. I’m rarely shocked (apart from by the clothes some people wear) but the use of this term is shocking.

Grofheidsrating: 5/5

Op+donderen

Donder=thunder. This is not too shocking, although ‘donder’ for the conservative Dutch Calvinist could be linked to the Devil and be regarded as blasphemous. If someone asks you to donder op, they are not being friendly.

Grofheidsrating: 2/3

Op+tiefen

Tiefen = comes from the word tyfus. The negative use needs no explanation. It regards as less shocking than ‘opkankeren’ as tyfus barely exists anymore in the Netherlands.

Grofheidsrating: 3/5

Dutch swear words, the rules

So using the pleasant examples provided above, you can go ahead and create new words in Dutch and enrich the language. All you need to remember is to stick to the following rules: (In het Nederlands)

De prefix is altijd ?op?.
Het element na ?op? moet een negatieve lading hebben
Het element na ?op? moet twee of drie syllabes hebben
Het element na ?op? moet altijd met een medeklinker beginnen en eindigen
Het moet sowieso iets zijn wat lekker bekt.

Make your own Dutch swear words

The Shallow Man, using the rules above will make an attempt to create a new Dutch swear word.

Opkakkeren.

Kakkers = posh Dutch people.

So if you’re at an upmarket establishment, and you’re irritated by a red jeans and cravat wearing Dutchman. Or if you’re in a conversation with a woman who tells you that her fathers new Porsche is not as good to drive as his Maserati, you can say ‘opkakkeren’ or ‘kakker lekker op’.

Another piece of valuable public service advice provided to my readers!

In short,?there are a couple of rules, but the possibilities are endless.

Wat is het Nederlands toch een heerlijke, variable en vooral ook charmante taal. 😉

A big thank you to the Koentact Dutch language school for having the patience to provide rudeness ratings to the swear words I chose.

No kakkers were hurt during the writing of this post.

Boeie! Dutch phrase of the week

October 27, 2014 By Simon Woolcot

The Shallow Man has long recommended that the best way to understand, shock and irritate the Dutch is to actually speak their language. Also for those single expats out there, nothing gets the Dutch females out of their flat shoes, than a few words in Dutch, no matter how badly pronounced. The same applies for Dutch men. If you want to be able to run your fingers through their lion like hair, (as long as you’re not allergic to hair gel)??learn the language.

With this in mind, the Shallow Man will deliver and explain a Dutch phrase of the week. I was tempted to begin with opzouten, as in “if you don’t like our tradities you had better opzouten!” but have decided to spare you that one for now. Instead we’ll begin with ‘boeie’.

Dutch phrase of the week, Boeie!

There are many expressions in Dutch that you’ll hear a lot, but rarely see in the written language, the less than edifying term ‘boeie’ is one of them. It can be compared to the English word captivate. Those of you that watch Dutch crime shows (the Shallow Man is a big fan of Flikken Maastricht) will be familiar with the term ‘boeien’, which means to put handcuffs on someone. If you’re familiar with fifty?shades of grey, you’ll also be aware of the other uses of handcuffs.

The saying ‘boeie’ actually means the opposite of to captivate. It’s pronounced ‘booyeah’ In fact I’m going to ask you to sit down before you read any further as I’m going to shock you by saying that ‘boeie’ is actually used as a form of Dutch irony. Yes, the Dutch can be ironic! Who knew?

Boeie style irony — Not so delicious irony.

Here’s are a couple of typical examples of how ‘boeie’ is used, or in het Nederlands een voorbeeld van een boeiend gesprek:

Boeie example one

Moeder: Paul, je hebt nog steeds je huiswerk niet gemaakt en je hebt morgen een examen./Paul you haven’t done your homework and tomorrow you have an exam

Paul: Boeie!!

Moeder: Maar dan haal je een onvoldoende!/But then you’re going to fail

Paul: ja, Boeiiieuuhhh!!

Moeder:??????!?

The meaning of boeie — The Dutch can do irony

Boeie example two the first tinder date

Expat man: Hi, it’s been a really nice evening but there’s something you ought to know

Dutch woman: You’re gay?

Expat man: No, not at all, I just believe in dressing well. Actually I have a girlfriend

Dutch woman: Boeie!

Expat man: Err? Excuse me, I’m not sure if I understand what you just said

Dutch woman:?Boeiiieuuhhh!!

Expat man:???????? I really must learn Dutch

The word ‘boeie’ is such an uninspiring term that the person that you’re having a conversation with is highly unlikely to know how to respond, which in many ways is the point of saying it in the first place. If Paul had said “het interesseert me geen ene fuck” then his mother would have been cheesed off about him swearing. The word ‘boeie’ isn’t a swear word so can be used without problem in some situations though I wouldn’t advise you to use it at work.

Smoking? Boeie — No smoking signs?boeit Dutch?vrouwen niet

Alternatives

?(Lekker) boeiend?

?(Het) boeit me niet/niks?

If a Dutch person is irritating you with a tedious or boring story, simply say at the right moment??boeiuuuhhh? and I’ll guarantee that he/she will be?stunned into silence, at least initially.

A big thank you to the?Koentact?Dutch language school for checking?that my Nederlands and butchery of the Dutch language conforms to the etymology?of the word.

No confused expats were hurt during the writing of this post.