Dutch Television

Coming soon to a TV near you, Celebrity Red Light District

October 9, 2014 By Simon Woolcot

The Shallow Man has?been impressed by the highbrow quality reality shows shown on Dutch television.

RTL, Veronica and SBS6 have all been doing their best to raise the standards of modern?TV with quality output such as.

There’s a severe lack of reality TV shows that treat?bekende Nederlanders?with the respect they most certainly deserve. To that end, the Shallow Man is proud to present a new format for a reality TV show which I hope that SB6 or one of the other purveyors of quality TV will buy the rights to, Celebrity Red Light District.

The format of the Red Light District show

Twelve bekende?Nederlanders, six men and six women, of whom?viewers will ask themselves, “who the hell are they? I’ve never heard of them”, will compete in the show. Based in the red light district of Amsterdam,?the participants will have to work in the windows and prove themselves to be the performer of the week.

The participants

The BN’ers will compete for the crown of Celebrity Red Light District King or Queen. Each week the BN’ers will be judged on how they perform their duties in the windows, some of the categories they’ll be judged on will be as follows:

Value for money
Speed and efficiency
Quality of service

The BN’er with the least votes will have to leave the show until an overall winner is found.

Candidate for red light district reality tv show — The ideal candidate

The Judges

As in most reality talent shows, there’ll be three experts?judging the candidates.

An ex footballers wife, whose?expertise in removing vast amounts of cash from stupid men will come in handy
Someone from?Veronica TV’s World Cup in lingerie? show
An ex pimp

The knockout stages

Viewers will be able to phone in and vote for the best performing BN’er on?a premium line. ?It will cost a minimum of one euro per minute, and will be designed to keep people hanging on the line to squeeze the maximum value out of the gullibility of the callers. Regardless of how many calls are made, the TV production company will retain the rights to choose which BN’er goes home at the end of each show and of course the final winner.

Suggested broadcast time

As the show will have an adult theme it should go out well before most kids have gone to bed. Eight PM would be ideal.

Alternative name for the show

Obviously the Shallow Man can be flexible with the name of the show. Holland’s Next Top Hooker is also a potential title. If you’d like to buy the rights to?screen this show please contact the Shallow Man.

No BN’ers were hurt during the creation of this proposal.

Sexual equality alive and well in the Netherlands

June 17, 2014 By Simon Woolcot

The Netherlands has the highest levels of sexual equality in the world. I’m constantly told this by shouty Dutch women, and who am I, the rather annoying, but always impeccably dressed foreigner to disagree? I want to believe this, I really do and yet there is some evidence that contradicts this…. for example only 28% of staff with a supervisory role in the Netherlands is female, and in spite of more women qualifying in higher education than men, the majority of women here work part time compared to their male counterparts. (Source: OECD) and then there is television, which brings me to the subject of today’s post.

Sexual equality and Veronica TV

Television, and what is allowed to go out on mainstream TV is often an accurate reflection of a nation’s culture or better said their norms and values. I’ve often been critical of RTL television for their incredibly dumb, but entertaining reality shows. However, having had the misfortune to watch Veronika TV yesterday, I now have to say that RTL are enlightened providers of quality entertainment when compared to Veronica TV. Why do I say this you might ask? The football world cup is on, while other tv stations are showing either live games or at least programmes about the tournament, Veronica has come up with the World Cup in lingerie.

world cup in lingerie — Women are taken seriously on Dutch TV

Women are equal to men but not on Veronica TV

When the suffragettes first fought for women to be given the right to vote and succeeded in doing so here in the Netherlands in 1918, even in their worst nightmares, they couldn’t possibly have imagined that a century later a bunch of brain dead women, dumber than a bunch of One Direction?fans and the viewers of premier league darts put together, would run around playing football on national television in lingerie.

Hollands next top domme meijses — Hollands next top domme meisjes

This “competition” was first shown on Veronica in 2006, and an incredible six million people watched the show. It’s incredibly complex. Eight football teams representing various countries, made up of stupid women in lingerie playing football. Yes folks that’s all it is. A group of airheads?taking penalties?in their underwear. It’s incredible that this goes out on prime time tv. Even more amazing is that?as it’s on commercial TV, there are plenty of mainstream organisations who are happy to have their adverts shown during this show. Many?companies that claim to be equal opportunity employers are throwing their alleged principles out of the window and advertise on this trashy tv show.

Is the year 1974? If you understand Dutch, watch the youtube video above and listen to some of the commentary. Lot’s of remarks about tasty arses, etc. I half expect Mrs Slocombe from Are You Being Served to come on and start making comments about her pussy.

Perhaps the Shallow Man is missing the point of this show and I should probably lighten up, as I’m sure Veronica TV would say that’s it’s only a bit of fun, which might be true, but in my humble opinion, this show reinforces all of the worst stereotypes about women.

No women, free of brains and a bit of female pride, were hurt during the writing of this post.

From Russia with anything but love

April 12, 2014 By Simon Woolcot

From Russia with anything but love

The Shallow Man, the mature and aging, but always elegant fossil, ?formerly of London now of Amsterdam, has been reflecting on how we are living in the age of convenience. I’m so advanced in years, that I can remember when accessing the Internet involved a device that would make huge amounts of noise to connect and then the worst nightmare of any Internet user was forgetting to disconnect the modem as the charges were usually per hour.

Men were far more patient in those days, as calling up a picture of a naked woman, required lots of time for the image to appear on screen. Who could have envisaged how far and how quickly technology would develop. In the present day, with mobile Internet and high speed connections it’s possible in a single evening to order food, download and watch a movie, while simultaneously swiping your way through potential dates, all via the internet, without leaving the house. If the local ladies are not to your liking you can even go online and find a huwelijks makelaar and import a woman from Ukraine or Russia, which brings me to the subject of today’s post, from Russia with love.

For those of you that have better things to do, you might not be aware of RTL’s reality show that follows five (desperate) Dutch men as they look for Russian ladies in Ukraine.

From Russia with love

Dutch men who are not exactly having ladies fight over them here in the Netherlands, that then find themselves a huge hit with Russian ladies overseas should wake up and smell the Vodka. It’s not your looks or personality that they are interested in. ?The rest of this article provides more insight into this.

Jeroen and Gerben back from Kiev

According to from Russia with Love there are 20 men to every hundred women in Ukraine. This blog might have to be renamed to the Ukraine confessions of a shallow man as I intend to move there tomorrow, purely for research purposes.

So Jeroen and Gerben, two eligible bachelors that spent time in Ukraine using the services of a huwelijks makelaar have returned home. Gerben had some success in the Ukraine with a woman who was looking for a fine hunky specimen of Dutch male. Jeroen on the other hand, found out that his personality functioned as a kind of natural contraceptive. No matter how hard he tried, even the most cynical of Russian gold diggers, wanted nothing to do with him. This could have had something to do with his habit of mentioning sex in just about every conversation. Jeroen is a living example of that old Chinese saying “man with hands in pocket feel cocky all day.”

Two weeks after returning from Kiev, they loved it so much that they ordered a take away, all the way from Ukraine. Mariana and Anhelina.

From Russia with anything but love — Fast food Ukrainian style

Jeroen and Gerben speak English as if someone is holding a gun to their heads. These two are not the cleverest of men, but are kind of endearing in a simple, backward farmer type of way. The Ukrainian ladies speak better English than the two guys. Mariana also lets slip her gold digger credentials.

Gold digger nice car — A gold diggers favorite things

Don’t believe the hype

Jeroen and Gerben had evil plans for their two Ukrainian visitors. They hired a cabin in the woods. Upon arriving it’s clear that there are two bedrooms. Jeroen tells the ladies that the sleeping arrangements are that each lady will share a room with one of the guys. In spite of the image that some men have of Ukrainian girls, the ladies make it quite clear that they will share one room and the guys another. Not yet defeated, the guys go for plan b, which is to try and get the ladies drunk. Unfortunately, they insist on drinking that famous aphrodisiac……tea.

How to impress the ladies

Or not as the case may be.

Hollands next top players, Jeroen and Gerben, treat the ladies to a fine romantic meal of pickled onions and beer. The girls are disgusted by Jeroen who stuffs half a jar of pickles into his mouth in one go and proceeds to spend a lot of time crunching away. Romantic.

Back to the pimps

A big shout out to my main pimps Gerben and Jeroen. Respect players. So these two have the very attractive ladies in their cabin, and it’s time for dinner. They naturally tell the ladies to make dinner. Not any old meal, but that favorite dish of romantics everywhere, herring. This was just about enough for the ladies who were mad as hell about having to cook for the two guys.

From Russia with fish — Love food. Herring

If you want to laugh till tears run down your face

Watch from Russia with love. It’s one of the funniest things I’ve seen in years. It’s hard to believe that there are people out there that are so dumb and naive. Gerben and Jeroen are destined to remain single for a long, long time, unless they eventually settle for each other, as in many ways they are the perfect couple.

Some of the other men participating on this show, are hopelessly naive, and when their mail order brides have divorced them and plundered their bank accounts they will live to regret their Russian adventures, but until then tune in and laugh. I certainly did.

From Russia with objectives — I thought whales were becoming extinct?

No Dutch pimps were hurt during the writing of this post.

Don’t go all the way to Russia to find a girl. There are plenty of Ugg boot and jeans wearing ladies here. Read the Shallow Man Guide to Dating the Dutch.

More Adam zoekt Eva

April 1, 2014 By Simon Woolcot

Adam zoekt Eva

The Shallow Man, provider of essential services to his ever growing band of followers, once sat through and wrote about an episode of Adam zoekt Eva. I won’t go as far as to say that I was traumatised by the experience, but almost. For those of you that have the good taste not to watch this programme, it’s yet another reality show from the “how low can we go” team at RTL. The concept is simple. People are bored of reality shows and especially, reality dating ones, so what do you do to counteract this? Simple, go to a tropical island and have the participants run around naked, the whole time. Spannend! No it is not.

During a moment of weakness, I recently asked my readers via facebook, if I should write a follow up piece about Adam zkt Eva, the overwhelming response was yes I should. So, in spite of my personal misgivings of having to watch this programme again, here it is, another piece about Adam zoekt Eva. The things I do for my readers!

The naked truth

In the latest episode that I had the misfortune, no sorry, joy, to sit through, the participants in question are the 23 year old songwriter Annelinde. Judging by the song she was singing as she rowed to the Island, she really ought to give up her day job and focus on making a fool of herself on reality TV. Oh I forgot, she’s also come to the same conclusion, and that’s exactly what she’s doing.

Predictably, she claims (no doubt following hours of rehearsals) that she is there looking for love. If you believe that, you also believe that babies are delivered by a big bird, that 9/11 was a conspiracy, that Geert Wilders would love to have a Moroccan family living next door to him and that women love nothing more than to go Dutch on a first date. In other words, I’m not buying the nonsense that every candidate on this program repeats robot like.

I’d have far more respect for the candidates if they simply told the truth, for example. “I tried for parts in Achter Gesloten Deuren, Goede Tijden Slechte Tijden and even fashion planet, but wasn’t good enough, so thought that going naked would help me get future roles.”

These two are best seen from behind from a distance

Along comes Jasper, who is also looking for love. As everyone knows the best way to meet a potential partner is to strip off naked and be filmed 24 hours a day doing so. To all those of you in serious (not tinder) relationships, ask yourselves honestly, could you tolerate being naked with your chosen partner 24 hours a day? Probably not, but hey, according to RTL, this is the way to find love.

Waarom doe je mee aan dit geweldige liefdes experiment?

Nicolette Kluiver is the presenter of this show. She get’s paid money to ask, deep, probing, insightful questions such as why are you taking part in this fantastic love experiment? ?Thankfully, she at least keeps her clothes on throughout the programme. I’ve only seen this programme twice, and on both occasions she has asked pretty much the same question, but hey, she’s pretty, even if she does have the kind of shrill voice that you could cut a diamond with.

I get paid to ask the same stupid questions every week.

So Jasper responds with the answer beaten into him by RTL. “I’m here looking for love” Yeah right! He doesn’t appear to be the brightest light bulb in the box. I’m sure he’d have difficulty finding a smoking Dutch woman in Bar Italia, let alone finding love. He’s looking for someone that will fit well with him, so it would help if the woman has recently had a lobotomy.

New knowledge shared on Adam zoekt Eva

The show is also educational. According to Annalinde, we are all born naked. Who knew? I was sure that I was born in a three piece suit. I’ll have to call my mother. So Annalinde helpfully mentions that she has small boobs, but some people like that. Another essential tip provided by Annalinde, font of all useless knowledge, is that she asked her mother, how will she know if the guy is right for her, to which she was advised to check out how long his “lul” his. From what I can see, she should be dissapointed with Jasper, who appears to be suffering from permanent shrinkage.

Two’s company three’s a crowd?

Jasper and Annelinde, are getting along, as only people who are naked the whole time can, when suddenly, a second Eva called Mayke appears on the island. Interestingly enough, Annelinde and Mayke click immediately, and appear to be far more attracted to each other than to our slow thinking chap with the shrinkage problem. Annelinde mentions that she once was in love with a woman and who knows what could occur. Likewise, Mayke also describes herself as an open minded, free thinking individual and that she certainly finds Annelinde attractive. Mayke has big teeth, and speaks without moving her mouth, her voice kind of slips out between her teeth like a ventriloquist. ?Lekker!

Annalinde, is given a message from the programme makers that she has to make a decision on who stays on the Island, Mayke or Jasper. Just to make this excruciatingly tedious programme even more of a pass the cyanide tablets kind of experience, Annelinde, from the good lord knows where, pulls out a guitar, and starts singing a terrible song. If I was the Adam on that Island, I’d choose death over another moment with Annelinde.

The decision

So who will be chosen to stay on the island with Annalinde? Who really cares? RTL do their best to try and make this the exciting climax of the show. Dramatic music, lots of mentions of the big decision she has to make. All that was going through mind was, how did Nicolette Kluiver ever get the job as presenter of this program? She has the emotional range of a pair of wet socks. A voice that could carry out executions, and as far as I can see, zero talent, but I’m in a good mood today and am being nice. So back to the decision.

RTL have managed to cram in as many commercial breaks as legally allowed into the programme. Nicolette Kluiver tries to put on her serious face and voice, which is supposed to tell the viewer “hey Mevrouw Kluiver has a serious face, this is important.” I agree, it’s as important as a puppy doing a poop on the pavement. So here we are, finally, just as I was reaching for the razor blades, the decision is made and Annalinde chooses……….Mayke. As Mayke speaks without moving her mouth, kissing could be a challenge, but hey, I’m sure that if they do kiss that RTL will be zooming in on every detail.

Finally though, it turns out that Mayke prefers men, but her and Annalinde will be good friends. Time to throw up.

No ventriloquists were hurt during the writing of this article, however, having watched this show, the Shallow Man is in pain.

Ik heb het nog nooit gedaan

March 19, 2014 By Simon Woolcot

A reality TV show about Dutch virgins

While out jogging in the Amsterdamse Bos recently, I was doing my best not to fall over, as it had been raining and it was pretty slippery. I saw a sight that one rarely sees in Amsterdam, a nun. She was walking on the grass and slipped and fell. I ran over and helped her up, but she was covered in mud. She thanked me, and then proceeded to light up a cigarette, “that’s a filthy habit” I said, which brings me to the subject of today’s post.

Watching reality TV is a filthy habit, but sadly, just as with squeezing bubble wrap, it can be quickly addictive. The Shallow Man only watches this stuff to spare you, dear reader, from having to sit through the latest moronic shows thought up by the how low can we go merchants at RTL TV. The things I do for my readers!

Ik heb het nog nooit gedaan

Having witnessed the goings on in the Cooldown Cafe, Black and White and Bubbles (elegant locales in Amsterdam) I was seriously surprised to learn that there are still adult virgins in the Netherlands. Apparently, there are so many, that the geniuses at RTL have decided to make a reality show all about adult virgins,

Virgin on the ridiculous

It’s a sad reflection on modern society that purveyors of trash such as RTL can find so many willing idiots to appear on their shows. There were several people in the episode I viewed, all of whom were virgins, I’ll begin with the 53-year-old Jos.

Why is Jos still a virgin at the age of 53?

Here are some clues. Jos is 53 and a big collector of Suske and Wiske comics. He says that when he reads his comics that it takes him out of his current environment and far away. Something I’m sure that previous dates of Jos have wished for themselves while in his presence.

Alex

Alex is 25 years old, lives in Den Haag, and incredibly has been unable to get the jeans and Ugg boots off a single woman. He appeared in the previous series of this quality show, and a year later is still a virgin. However, hope is on the horizon in the name of Jelena, a female friend of his who he met while taking salsa dancing lessons. ?He’s hoping to get out of the friend zone and her into his bed.

Jelena, who Alex helpfully describes as a “lekker ding” has decided that it’s time to make his move. He invites her round for a romantic lunch. Of course, nothing is sweeter than being invited round to a guys house for lunch with a complete film crew present, but this doesn’t seem to bother her at all.

Last of the great romantics

Smoother than a jar of peanut butter at Albert Heijn, Alex offers Jelena a glass of water. When she asks if he has anything else, he offers….tea.

Discrimination on reality tv

It’s a shame that some groups of people in society are still discriminated against, I’m talking about ICT workers. Alex, shows his date around his tiny bachelor pad and then proudly shows her his computer. Sadly for him, Jelena can work her way around a PC, and goes straight to his browsing history, where she finds (typical anti ICT cliches) lots of porno in his browsing history. Being a woman of the world, she laughs it off and the sparks are flying between her and Alex, who then tells the camera crew that he’s hoping that today will be the day he loses his virginity, or at least hopes for a “blowjob of zo” from Jelena.

Back to Jos 53

Jos, I’m surprised to report, has never kissed before. He has no idea what it’s like to kiss, he has no clue and can only imagine it. His best friend, who is a bit of a man of the world, drives a cat crushing Audi 4×4 and looks like a downtown pimp. ?This is his only connection with actual sex. His friend kindly gives him lots of bad advice and speaks as if he’s permanently under the influence of anaesthetics.

Jos, for a man with no sexual experience, has very clear ideas of what he wants. For example, he makes it very clear that he would never have sex in a swimming pool. I’m relieved to hear this. Apparently, he’s afraid of water and never goes anywhere near it, which could also explain his less than clean appearance.

Alex, the eternal optimist

In anticipation of bedroom aerobics with Jelena, Alex has gone out and bought the largest packet of condoms he could find. ?He’s even kind enough to let her know that in preparation for the date that he’s shaved, down there. He also confidently lets the presenter of the show know that as he’s waited for sex for so long, ?that postcoitus, he’ll be ready in five minutes to go again, in his own words “I won’t be able to get enough.”

In an attempt to close the deal, Alex takes Jelena to play miniature golf, in the rain. However, kudos to her, she doesn’t complain and plays along happily. Alex uses every opportunity to put his arms around her (helping her with her shot) and when she scores a point, he gives her a big hug and a free preview of things to come, by having an erection while hugging her.

The importance of win/win during negotiations

Alex is young but should be sent to Russia immediately to assist in critical negotiations with Putin over Ukraine. While playing golf, he suggests an optimal solution to his lack of sexual activity. He tells Jelena that if he wins, she can give him a blowjob, win/win. Being a lady, she declines but does suggest that regardless of the outcome they can kiss, which was obviously Alex’s plan all along, what a master strategist.

Eligible singles can afford to be choosy

Jos, our 53-year-old, elegant man about town, has joined his neighbours for a game of bingo. A woman sat next to him, flirts and shows him some interest. In spite of having been alone for so long, he then explains to the viewers that “she doesn’t have the body that I would like a woman to have.” Obviously, being such a prime piece of manhood, he can take his time to choose the woman that meets his high standards. In spite of the ladies of the bingo club openly flirting with him, Jos goes home alone for a threesome with Suske en Wiske.

Exploitation, thy name is RTL

RTL has the easiest job in the world with their reality tv shows. No matter how embarrassing the subject, there is an endless supply of idiots, happy to make fools of themselves for the entertainment of shallow men and women. All the programme-makers of RTL have to do is come up with dumb ideas on the back of a box of matches, and then put out a casting call. ?Like this show, From Russia with Love and other such programmes have proved, recession or not, there is no shortage of total idiots to exploit for profit.

The safest form of sex is to be a complete moron, thus as this show proves, protecting you from ever having the chance to copulate. No makers of contraceptives were hurt during the writing of this post.

Till next time, hou je bek!