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Ik heb het nog nooit gedaan

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While out jogging in the Amsterdamse Bos recently, I was doing my best not to fall over, as it had been raining and it was pretty slippery. I saw a sight that one rarely sees in Amsterdam, a nun. She was walking on the grass, and slipped and fell. I ran over and helped her up, but she was covered in mud. She thanked me, and then proceeded to light up a cigarette, “that’s a filthy habit” I said, which brings me to the subject of today’s post.

Watching reality TV is a filthy habit, but sadly, just as with squeezing bubble wrap, it can be quickly addictive. The Shallow Man, only watches this stuff to spare you, dear reader, from having to sit through the latest moronic shows thought up by the how low can we go merchants at RTL TV. The things I do for my readers!

Ik heb het nog nooit gedaan

Having witnessed the goings on in the Cooldown Cafe, Black and White and Bubbles (elegant locales in Amsterdam) I was seriously surprised to learn that there are still adult virgins in the Netherlands. Apparently there are so many, that the geniuses at RTL have decided to make a reality show all about adult virgins,

Virgin on the ridiculous

It’s a sad reflection on modern society that purveyors of trash such as RTL can find so many willing idiots to appear on their shows. There were several people in the episode I viewed, all of whom were virgins, I’ll begin with the 53 year old Jos.

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53 and never been touched
53 and never been touched

Why is Jos still a virgin at the age of 53?

Here are some clues. Jos is 53 and a big collector of Suske and Wiske comics. He says that when he reads his comics that it takes him out of his current environment and far away. Something I’m sure that previous dates of Jos have wished for themselves while in his presence.

Quality reading for adults
Quality reading for adults

Alex

Alex is 25 years old, lives in den Haag, and incredibly has been unable to get the jeans and Ugg boots off a single woman. I’ll be sending him a copy of the Shallow Man Guide to Dating the Dutch, as he needs all the help he can get. He appeared in the previous series of this quality show, and a year later is still a virgin. However, hope is on the horizon in the name of Jelena, a female friend of his who he met while taking salsa dancing lessons.  He’s hoping to get out of the friend zone and her into his bed.

A human contraceptive
A human contraceptive

Jelena, who Alex helpfully describes as a “lekker ding” has decided that it’s time to make his move. He invites her round for a romantic lunch. Of course nothing is sweeter than being invited round to a guys house for lunch with a complete film crew present, but this doesn’t seem to bother her at all.

Last of the great romantics

Smoother than a jar of peanut butter at Albert Heijn, Alex offers Jelena a glass of water. When she asks if he has anything else, he offers….tea.

Discrimination on reality tv

It’s a shame that some groups of people in society are still discriminated against, I’m talking about ICT workers. Alex, shows his date around his tiny bachelor pad and then proudly shows her his computer. Sadly for him, Jelena can work her way around a PC, and goes straight to his browsing history, where she finds (typical anti ICT cliches) lots of porno in his browsing history. Being a woman of the world, she laughs it off and the sparks are flying between her and Alex, who then tells the camera crew that he’s hoping that today will be the day he loses his virginity, or at least hopes for a “blowjob of zo” from Jelena.

Back to Jos 53

Jos, I’m surprised to report, has never kissed before. He has no idea what it’s like to kiss, he has no clue and can only imagine it. His best friend, who is a bit of a man of the world, drives a cat crushing Audi 4×4 and looks like a downtown pimp.  This is his only connection with actual sex. His friend kindly gives him lots of bad advice, and speaks as if he’s permanently under the influence of anaesthetics.

Jos, for a man with no sexual experience, has very clear ideas of what he wants. For example, he makes it very clear that he would never have sex in a swimming pool. I’m relieved to hear this. Apparently he’s afraid of water and never goes anywhere near it, which could also explain his less than clean appearance.

Alex, the eternal optimist

In anticipation of bedroom aerobics with Jelena, Alex has gone out and bought the largest packet of condoms he could find.  He’s even kind enough to let her know that in preparation for the date that he’s shaved, down there. He also confidently lets the presenter of the show know that as he’s waited for sex for so long,  that postcoitus, he’ll be ready in five minutes to go again, in his own words “I won’t be able to get enough.”

In an attempt to close the deal, Alex takes Jelena to play miniature golf, in the rain. However, kudos to her, she doesn’t complain and plays along happily. Alex uses every opportunity to put his arms round her (helping her with her shot) and when she scores a point, he gives her a big hug and a free preview of things to come, by having an erection while hugging her.

The importance of win/win during negotiations

Alex is young, but should be sent to Russia immediately to assist in critical negotiations with Putin over Ukraine. While playing golf, he suggests an optimal solution to his lack of sexual activity. He tells Jelena that if he wins, she can give him a blowjob, win/win. Being a lady, she declines, but does suggest that regardless of the outcome they can kiss, which was obviously Alex’s plan all along, what a master strategist.

Eligible singles can afford to be choosy

Jos, our 53 year old, elegant man about town, has joined his neighbors for a game of bingo. A woman sat next to him, flirts and shows him some interest. In spite of having been alone for so long, he then explains to the viewers that “she doesn’t have the body that I would like a woman to have.” Obviously, being such a prime piece of manhood, he can take his time to choose the woman that meets his high standards. In spite of the ladies of the bingo club openly flirting with him, Jos, goes home alone for a trio with Suske en Wiske.

A woman not good enough for Jos
A woman not good enough for Jos

Exploitation, thy name is RTL

RTL, have the easiest job in the world with their reality tv shows. No matter how embarrassing the subject, there is an endless supply of idiots, happy to make fools of themselves for the entertainment of shallow men and women. All the programme makers of RTL have to do is come up with dumb ideas on the back of a box of matches, and then put out a casting call.  As this show, From Russia with Love and other such programmes have proved, recession or not, there is no shortage of total idiots to exploit for profit.

The safest form of sex is to be a complete moron, thus as this show proves, protecting you from ever having the chance to copulate. No makers of contraceptives were hurt during the writing of this post.

Till next time, hou je bek!

 

About Simon Woolcot

Infamous blogger, annoyance and self-confessed Shallow Man. Simon is a British expat who has lived in Amsterdam since 2004. As well as writing this blog, Simon also has a YouTube channel of the same name, writes and directs videos and hosts seminars about life in the Netherlands. He also works as a content marketing and SEO specialist.

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