Some Stuff Dutch People Hate
The Shallow Man received an angry message from a reader complaining that my writing style was too sarcastic, “why can’t your blog be more like Stuff Dutch People Like?” Now Colleen Geske, the woman behind that site does a great job, but The Shallow Man is simply not fluffy enough to write jolly observations about stroopwafels and herring.
In fact, the things Dutch people like, are pretty obvious, including complaining, shouting, and demonstrating their grasp of the English language. With this in mind, I’ll focus on stuff Dutch people hate.
The things I do for my readers!
Individualism
There is more demand for fur coats in Jamaica than for stylists in the Netherlands. Dutch people have a strong dislike/distrust for people that take the time to look good. In fact, this country is anti-fashion, a kind of denim lined black hole. The most important thing is to dress exactly like everyone else, don’t stand out, make sure that you lie and say “je ziet er leuk uit”.
Game of Clones
Being accused of being high all day
Yes, it’s legal to buy and smoke weed in the Netherlands under certain circumstances, but to all of you reading this from outside the Netherlands, the Dutch are actually pretty conservative. Most of the people smoking weed in the South of the country are Germans, fed up with their ordnung dominated lives they travel to the Netherlands to smoke some weed so they can tell their friends that they’ve done something exciting and illegal. Amsterdam is full of tourists, who used to the weak stuff that passes for weed in most European countries, lose their minds due to the strength and the added mixing with alcohol. It’s a pleasure for residents of the Museum quarter and the Jordaan to step out of their front doors and trip over tourists that are stoned out of their minds.
Unannounced visitors
Never just knock on someone’s door just because you happen to be in the neighbourhood. You will lose friends for life. God invented the calendar for a reason. Your friends are eating zuurkool with a big fat disgusting sausage and gravy out of a packet. They are busy watching goede tijden slechte tijden, and then along you come, just like that. Where the hell do you think you are? Utopia? If they had known you were coming, they could have gone out and bought some of those cheese cubes, cocktail sausages, and some crisps. Now you’ve embarrassed them, they don’t even have time to arrange the chairs in a circle. Think next time before you turn up unannounced!
I queued for hours at the supermarket for this meal, now you’ve ruined it
Being asked directions to the red light district
People, you’re in Amstelveen, there is no point asking some young posh Dutch lady with a Bugaboo pushchair (being pushed by the children’s nanny who is illegally in the country from Vietnam) the directions to the red light district. She stopped working there years ago and has settled down with a rich man, leave her alone, godverdomme!
Stopping for pedestrians at Zebra crossings
In the Netherlands black and white stripes on the road means go, go, go! Cyclists and car drivers have a motto when it comes to zebra crossings “ik heb haast”
Queues
A stupid invention by the British, totally unnecessary in the Netherlands. “Get outta my way, ik ben aan de beurt!”
Sharing their homes with international students
Ik ben geen racist maarrrrrrrrr, “Dutch only!,” “Dutch girls only, “No Internationals!”. Alleen maar nette mensen.
Moroccans
It’s only a matter of time before a Dutch author produces a book blaming the Kennedy assassinations on a couple of Moroccans on a scooter. Yes, Moroccans are over-represented in the criminal statistics, but surprisingly enough, there’s not a country in the world where the wealthiest members of society commit most of the crimes. In short, the poor or lower classes are often over-represented when it comes to crime. In other news the sun is yellow and the sky is blue.
Disclaimer: Yes I know that many Dutch people took part in the action aangifte doen tegen Wilders.
Assassinated by two Moroccans on a scooter (according to the PVV)
Picking up after their dogs
The Netherlands is a doggy paradise on earth. They can poop everywhere, the owners view this as not being their problem. Dogs can run around without leashes, even if they happen to be man-eating vicious breeds. Why does every pit bull owner always say “don’t worry he doesn’t bite” what happens if he does bite you? Would they then say “Oh, sorry that he ripped your hand off, he’s never done that before, do you have any infectious diseases that I need to know about?”.
Being questioned about Zwarte Piet
The Dutch are the most tolerant race that has ever lived ANYWHERE AT ANY TIME. If however, you question the appearance of Zwarte Piet, there are three stages that you’ll experience.
1. Denial
“He’s not black he’s from Spain, actually he’s been down a chimney, it’s soot!”
2. Anger
“DON’T QUESTION OUR TRADITIE!!”
3. The deportation stage
“Als je zwarte piet ziet als racisme maar rot je toch lekker op naar een land waar ze geen sinterklaas vieren. Probleem opgelost! Maar blijf met je poten van ons mooie kinderfeest!” From the ironically named Zwarte Piet is GEEN racisme facebook page. If anyone would like to see the ramblings of lots of incredibly tolerant Dutch people check out their page. The irony of claiming that ZP has nothing to do with race, followed by lots of clearly racist statements is lost on that sites angry participants.
An easy way to win arguments about Zwarte Piet
Anti-smoking laws
More evidence of globalization, unnecessary interference in the favourite pastime of Dutch women.
Anyone over sixty
I’m a little confused as I know a few older Dutch people, they are alive and well, yet according to Rick Santorum they are terrified that if they go to their local huisarts with a headache that they’ll be euthanized. Perhaps that’s why my former elderly neighbour used to have me pick up stuff from the supermarket for her, she was afraid that if she moved too slowly she’d be confused as dying and be put down like an old cat.
Refugees
Lekker tolerant Dutch people throughout the Netherlands are stirring themselves into a frenzy whenever a local council discusses opening a center for refugees. This is often accompanied by violence. Some intellectual lovers of democracy have even taken to pinning pigs heads on the doors of proposed locations that will host refugees. Mooi!
Risking their money
Are you in a relationship with a Dutch person? Are things going well? Are you planning to move in together? Make sure that every single piece of furniture, CD, sock, underwear, and DVD is documented in detail along with how much money each of you has. Yes, Europe’s greatest romantics often insist on a samenlevingscontract.
Eastern Europeans
When Romania and Bulgaria won the right of freedom of movement within the EU, according to the hysteria whipped up certain elements of the press, Bucharest and Sofia were going be empty after January 1st, 2014 as thousands migrated to the Netherlands en masse, in order to focus on petty crime and cloning of Dutch PIN cards. Even the ‘serious’ press participated, with bloated projections of the eastern hordes that would move to the Netherlands.
Bucharest pictured on January 2nd, 2014. It’s a ghost town now, they all moved to the Netherlands
Tourists on bikes
Tourists hire bikes, and then make the lives of the Dutch hell, by stopping at red lights and giving hand signals. The Dutch would love to carry out the motto of Spartacus, KILL THEM ALL!
Anouk, I see another tourist on a mac bike, I’ll take the shot
Providing service
If you’re in a shop or overpriced eatery, you should be grateful that they allowed you in to begin with. Learn to wait until the staff are ready to speak to you, don’t dare interrupt them from their trusted routine by asking stupid questions such as “how much does this item cost?” or even worse, “is it possible to see the wine list?” they’ll come to you when they are ready.
Bloggers that are sarcastic about the Dutch
Mr Rutte, how about some bodyguards?
I’d like to thank everyone who provided suggestions for this post on my facebook page If my enemies don’t get me first, there’ll be a part two to this post where I’ll include further observations from my readers.
No tourists were hurt during the writing of this post. Until next time, empathy is a great thing to have, and if you can fake it you’ll be set for life.
I have spent many years travelling to NL where I stay with friends. I have met so many different people and while I know they have some funny quirks, I have never experienced most of the things the author has written of the Dutch people. However, I have had some of these experiences much closer to home in parts of Wales, where I have been ignored in shops and restaurants when people hear that I am English. Been glared at and brushed aside when asking for directions and so much more. So why are we picking on the Dutch when we should be talking about certain types of people from all nationalities.
It’s funny how you made fun of Dutch people for being intolerant, and then you got the date Romania and Bulgaria joined the EU (super) wrong. I also want to stay I didn’t experience much discrimination within the Nl. But some of these are true af haha
I live in NL 7 years and this is what I’ve experienced…. Dutch will complain about their country, but a foreigner is not allowed to. Dutch will be angry with you if you show up without an appointment even if it’s your friend or your own mother. Dutch wont invite you for dinner at the restaurant even if you have invited them. Dutch will come and stay at your home for months for free, while they wont even introduce you to their friends or family. Dutch will get upset with you if you reply in English and not in their language. Dutch wont give you immediate service if you speak English, they will move on to the next customer pretend they didn’t hear you. Dutch will invite you for the wedding and after the ceremony they will ask you to leave if you didn’t tell them few weeks in advance that you will stay for dinner. Dutch will come to your home uninvited and will get upset that you didn’t make them coffee. Dutch will talk nasty about you, next to you or behind your back thinking you don’t understand even if you stay right next to them. Dutch won’t invite you even if you invite yourself. Dutch won’t help you if you ask for help and will judge you for doing so or laugh at you while helping. Dutch people don’t like foreigners no meter where you came from. Dutch people help only dutch people. Dutch neighbours will get mad with you if you share a cake from your birthday with them, just because your knocked the door and they didn’t expect you. Dutch people will judge you for being spoiled if you decide to give birth in the hospital and not at home. Dutch will think you are lazy if you can’t cycle on your bicycle with 2 babies and being pregnant. Dutch people will complain about the weather but if a foreigner will say it – they will respond – “It’s not that bad”…. Dutch will be upset with you if you called and said you will be late, while they accept it from another Dutch person…etc…etc…etc… I’ve lived in many countries, and of course you can face these here and there. But in Holland, if you are not in the bubble – you are not in the bubble – no matter how hard you try. Dutch are the biggest hypocrites I ever met. Why I don’t leave?? Dutch law prevents it… When I ask Dutch person to name me one foreigner who speaks perfect Dutch without grammar mistakes after only few years?? – They all say Queen Maxima… Let me tell you something – if my husband would be a king I would study not only Dutch but Spanish, Chinese, Arabic and Japanese as well….
It depends where you’re from.
It’s not just the Dutch.We Americans talk shit about foreigners while they are standing right in front of us all the time…especially the God Damned Dutch.
Wow, it sounds like you are living a nightmare. Why stay somewhere you don’t like so much? I am a foreigner and have lived in NL (Amsterdam and beyond) for over 4 years and my experience is nowhere like this. My fellow non-Dutch friends love living here as well.
Haha, I assume this is a joke. It’s like the exact opposite of the Dutch people. For a minute a thought you were being honest, haha.
“Dutch will come to your home uninvited and will get upset that you didn’t make them coffee. ”
Really? I think that is the height of rudeness. If I get visitors, I want to make sure my house looks decent (think this is the main reason people get mad if you show up unannounced), *especially* for the people close to me. So, following the Golden Rule, I wouldn’t show up on anyones doorstep unless there was a huge emergency.
Don’t complain that much. Man no shit another country is different and have different terms on staying over and inviting over. If you look close even the dutch between eachother do this. If you don’t make an effort to learn dutch after 7 years of living in the netherlands i get the question “why don’t you go back”. But not only try to learn dutch. Try to understand the culture. Because yes bikes are easy peasy lemon squeasy here. Coffee or just is standard when you come by. And coming unannounced/ininvited only try to do that with really really friend (still.. they will get annoyed). Just try
And customer service in restaurants let me explain: The waiter is not a slave. He or she will come when he or she has time. People who reserved a seat or ar regulars get food faster. And no no no don’t wave or call them because you will have to wait another half an hour.
Netherlands is an honest open country. We will not try to be your friend if we aren’t. If we “act” like your friend you are a friend. If you want some fake shit, invites to parties if i don’t even know you… you wont get it. Make an effort then i will make my effort to.
And making fun of foreingners try every different country in the world en try finding a place where is no making fun of anyone. (maybe the difference is the netherlands is not shy of doing it in your face.)
While your comment is fairly cynical, I have not lived your experience. I grew up in a Dutch community in the US and then in Canada. The “Dutch bubble” you mention exists even in Dutch immigrants 5 generations down the line. My 5th generation cousins and I are the first ones in our family to marry non Dutch spouses. There is still and expectation to do business within the Dutch community if at all possible, etc. In Canada, my Dutch friends were the 1st generation born in Canada. Their parents immigrated as children. Some of the older Dutch community would not even speak English around my non Dutch husband when we were dating (which was awkward for me too, since I don’t speak Dutch either! Lol)
On the other hand, the Dutch people I knew would always go out of their way to help a neighbour, Dutch or not. I remember many meals made and delivered when babies were born or illness/injuries occurred. I remember Dutch people gathering to help a non Dutch neighbour harvest his crop following a personal tragedy many times. I remember a large number of men rebuilding a barn after a fire, and donating valuable goods towards the effort. Keep being kind and open. All people are eventually won over by that.
When I first moved here everyone made jokes about me being a Taliban or being too short or being a child bride. Because I’m from Pakistan and I never got upset or took it personally because I understood they were just joking. But what annoys me, is that if the tables were turned they would go CRAZY! Every dutch I’ve met prides themselves about being open, direct, blunt or liberal. But I wish they knew it’s not a one way street. While they say, they are all those things. They never once take humour directed at them gracefully.On quite the contrary actually. Criticism is only appreciated when it’s coming from them. Jeez I wonder if there’s a word for that?!
I have to agree with you on this, although I don’t like to generalize but for the sake of this conversation. I have a dutch girlfriend and i have been called many names including terrorist, Muslim – likes its bad to be one, Paki the worse was when we had a child and she thought i would kidnap or take away the child only because i am from Pakistan. Netherlands is a homogenous society and for the most part doesn’t welcome people who are not like them. They can claim to be open and liberal but they are really not. If you criticise them and rightly so in some matters, they would hold grudges against you like you have taken something from them that they are good at ( criticism). I had a chance to live in holland but i refused rightly so , i sat in front of a government official and told her directly that i had no interest in a dutch passport or ever living in holland and she was so surprised that she had no words. Most people i have met have a very narrow world view which comes out of ignorance.
It’s because of the maroccan crime, and no not all are like that, Also the good dutch are in villages as fhey don’t encounter those criminals a lot, they also get names of food products changed because it contained black or whatever, but we don’t go cry about white yoghurt, or cheese as we are called cheeseheads..
I love black people, asian , afghan, indian and what not.
I hate Dutch women, they put a negative view on Dutch men.. that’s why most Dutch men want a foreigner. Russian women are not only beautiful but also stick to one person unlike Dutxh women. And we do think women ade equal to men, but a man should pay.
And marriage or samenlevingscontract is personally decided. If 1 is millionaire and the other is in debt u will share the debt with marriage, which also risks the mans future for taking contracts efc.
So are muslim bad? No. Are markccan bad? Not all. Just the big cities in the north where they don’t know carnaval.
yes … I have to agree with you.I am living in Amsterdam since oct 2015 and still not very comfortable with dutch people. FYI I don’t hate them but its very difficult to crack a simple joke around them… They say about dutch directness but they can’y tolerate when non-dutch are being direct with them.I would say they live in their”dutch bubble”.
At some point I’ve learned to speak up to people cutting in on queues. I’ve also noticed the senior Dutch people are usually guilty of this. For some reason old Dutch people think being old is an excuse to rule the world.
Yes. Elderly Dutch people are rude. Sadly it includes my grandparents as well.
I agree, I parked my bicycle and there was litteraly 2 meter space too walk and still an old man came and said:” People can’t walk here.” Tjan I flipped him the middle-finger. 😛
the reason for this is the old people that lived during the war had to stand half of the day in queues to get food stamps. I notice my grandmother gets very nervous in a queue because of this. She is very well-mannered but I notice she would like to jump the queue
I remember the first time I went to Australia. After I landed and started to make my way through the Sydney transit system, some Ozzies asked me where I’m from. I told them. Upon learning my origins, the first thing they wanted to know was whether I had some weed on me, the second was whether I knew any hookers. It can be hard sometimes … Even more so when they think I’m German
Romania and Bulgaria won the right of freedom of travel in the EU at the beginning of this year? Wow, that means I traveled illegally all over EU from 2003 until 2014?? I think it’s freedom of movement that was won, not of travel.
Tourists hire bikes, and then make the lives of the Dutch hell, by
stopping at red lights and giving hand signals. The Dutch would love to
carry out the motto of Spartacus, KILL THEM ALL!
heheheh xd
Expats and tourists become nervous wrecks when cycling here, after being shouted at by impatient Dutch cyclists. 🙂
We aren’t impatient
Just direct 😉
Unfortunately, tourists in Amsterdam tend to think they are in Disneyland rather than the capital of a 17 million people nation. They have no problem standing still in the middle of the road taking selfies, or riding on the left side of the bike lane, or worse, on the sidewalk. This is not only extremely dangerous to themselves, but also to the rest of the people. When in Amsterdam, do as the Amsterdammers do: pay attention to where you are going. Is this really that difficult to expect? Do major cities in other countries not have dangerous traffic? Safety and traffic rules? Honestly.
The solution is quite simple: force the tourists who rent bicycles to watch a video on the differences between a trambaan, trottoir, bikelane and zebrapad. Above all: make sure they understand what a bicycle bell means. It means get the hell out of the way, not: ‘ah he’s just playing some nice music’.
Koen, come on, you’re not seriously trying to say that Dutch people don’t cycle on pavements, ignore pedestrians on crossings and zoom through red lights are you?
I’m seriously trying to say that Dutch people don’t consider Amsterdam to be like Disneyland. They know how to bike, they know how to take care of themselves and other traffic users. Tourists, however do not.
I’ve never understood why the Dutch (most, not all) are being unfriendly and downright rude to tourists. Yes they behave like idiots because mainly they’re not aware of how a multi-lane city of bikes, tramlines and cars operate. It is obvious that this small city is getting more and more congested, too. I’ve been here two years and took me a year to confidently bike all over town. I still get nervous from time to time. Furthermore, tourists contribute something to the Dutch economy – does it hurt to be nice to them? Amsterdam markets its red light district & coffee shops heavily, then why are they complaining if it draws in less ‘sophisticated’ tourists? Heh? Lol.
I think many of these are Amsterdam specific. One point: of course, the Dutch don’t like people saying they’re high all day, but implying that tourists and foreigners are the only ones who use coffeeshops, is way off. I lived in Alkmaar. Tourists only visited on Friday mornings to see the cheese market in the spring / summer. But there are 5 coffeeshops in center that always had locals (Dutch) at their counter. Same for the little red light district (Achterdam). The men visiting the women were Dutch, not tourists. Does this mean all Dutch are stoners who sleep with prostitutes? No, nor are they as straight laced as this (and other articles about this topic) suggest.
Invidualism: As a Dutch person I love it. Individualism is about a lot more than following the latest fashion trends though. Individualism is for me more about ideas and a way of thinking than it is about fashion. I wear the clothes I like, you were the clothes you like, I don’t care if either one of us is dressed fashionable or not. I only follow fashion trends if they fit my personal style.
Being accused of being high all day: We rightfully hate it because it’s simply untrue.
Unannounced visitors: Sometimes love it, sometimes hate it. It all depends on the visitor. As my grandmother used to say: “Een gast brengt altijd vreugde aan, is het niet bij het komen dan is bij het gaan!” (A guest always brings joy, if it isn’t because of their arrival, it’s because they’re leaving)
Being asked directions: I don’t care to where, I usually don’t mind. Sometimes I just don’t have time for it.
Stopping for pedestrians at Zebra crossings: Although I do it, this ones seems to be true in general, unfortunately….
Queues: Who likes waiting?
Carrying rubbish bags three hundred meters down the road to a waste container: This is an Amsterdam thing, not a Dutch thing.
Moroccans/Eastern Europeans/Refugees: Yes there are Dutch people who don’t like foreigners, but I don’t think Dutch people in general are less tolerant towards foreigners as other nationalities. If this was a typical Dutch thing the rest of the world would be a much better place…
Picking up after their dogs: I have two dogs, and I hate have to admit I hate it. That’s why I have trained my dogs to poop only in bushes. One of those dogs is a pit bull, I keep that one always on a leash, even though he loves people and will never bite a person, since I do understand some people can be afraid of dogs like that. I have regular discussions with other dog owners, as many of them to seem to think that their dogs right to roam free and poop everywhere is more important than other peoples right to enjoy the same public park.
Being questioned about Zwarte Piet: Personally I never associated Zwarte Piet with a natural black person, so initially I didn’t understand why it was offensive to some people. However, I also don’t understand why so many Dutch people see questions about his colour as a threat to the tradition. I would love the tradition just as much if he would be another colour, and if it would help other people who are currently offended by his colour to enjoy the tradition as well, that’s only a good thing.
Anti-smoking laws: I do understand anti-smoking laws in public places, I do however think that in private places (including privately owned bars) the owner should be able to decide if smoking is allowed or banned. If most people prefer a non-smoking bar, that’s just a matter of free market economics.
Anyone over sixty: This is simply bullshit. You shouldn’t believe anything Rick Santorum says, as he clearly doesn’t base his claims on actual facts.
Risking their money: Breaking up is painful enough as it is, breaking up AND losing your favourite CD in the process is simply hell. In business I don’t mind risking money, if the potential reward outweighs the risk though.
Tourists on bikes: Tourists on bikes are just as annoying as Sunday drivers on the road. They pay more attention to the pretty surroundings than to the road, they might follow the rules but show little insight in traffic dynamics and they’re slow. Also, we ride out bikes on the STREET, not one the SIDE WALK, that’s for WALKING!
Providing service: There’s definitely some room for improvement here. Fake smiles and acting like the customer is your friend are against Dutch nature, including mine, but providing actual service like answering questions about the product and paying attention to the customer would be appreciated a lot.
Dolehof, thank you the detailed reply. Brilliant, and fair enough.
On that statement that smoking should be allowed in “privately owned bars” (are there publicly owned bars?): Of course, that is the sentiment of every smoker. The fact that there are people who don’t smoke, don’t appreciate third-party smoke, may even be affected health-wise by smoke (I have asthma, cigarette smoke is real pain for my nose, my eyes, my lungs) and thus are excluded from most social activities if they cannot enter smoky bars is completely oblivious to the Dutch. The simple fact that most Dutch are hardcore smokers forces me to leave this otherwise so beautiful Amsterdam with its otherwise so friendly and relaxed people (though indeed with so little individualism… maybe that is the reason they are all smokers).
I’m not even Dutch but I agree with you yes yes yes! Love the Dutchies!
Any other suggestions for Stuff Dutch people hate?
You forgot “The Germans”. After moving from Germany to Amsterdam 20 years ago I could tell you some bizar stories.
For them it seems the war still goes on and some of them even love it to ask me “heb je vandaag al jouw zuurkool gevreten”? (Quote from a Dutch ex colleague)
I love this and also your other articles. Just cracked me up after a long hard day of work. Thank you!
“An Afghan who worked for the Dutch forces saw his brother assassinated by the Taliban as they mistook the brother for being him. He applied for asylum in the Netherlands but was refused by the IND as they felt that his reasons for asylum were simply not good enough.”
how could a afgan national be in defense forces when he is not a dutch citizen?
if he is already working in the force (dutch) i dnt think he has to apply for asylum !
share some insight to this !:)
Ashu,
He was a civilian employee of the Dutch defense forces, not a soldier. Here are the details.
http://www.dutchnews.nl/news/archives/2014/08/afghan_interpreter_refused_asy.php
It’s a Daily Mail article, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t true.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2831077/Just-ONE-Afghan-interpreter-helped-British-forces-allowed-UK-despite-hundreds-requests-staff-threatened-Taliban.html