More Stuff Dutch People Hate
The Shallow Man is a happy resident of the land of Birkenstocks and “I dress to be comfortable”. Having spent over ten years in the Netherlands, I’ve observed so many things here that I can’t but help share with you, my lovely (but not always happy with my sarcasm) readers. The Shallow Man knows the stuff Dutch people hate. It’s a list so long, that it can’t possibly be covered in a single post, so below are more observations by the Shallow Man and his readers.
Now my post might be somewhat controversial, and if as a result, I’m hunted down by a group of angry Dutch nationalists and am forced to boycott the Hema and then made to attend a meeting of the Pietengilde I’ll say to my enemies “jullie zijn toch gek, het is gewoon blackface ”
The things I do for my readers!
There are more sunbed salons in the Netherlands than mosques in Saudi Arabia. Just as all Muslims must visit Mecca at least once in their lives, the Dutch must go to sun salons, many, many, times. No wonder the national color is orange. I’m not sure which is more off putting, the orange glow of the sun salon customer, or the brown leathery look, like a pair of well worn old boots that one sees on women that have spent too much time in the sun. Your skin is white, embrace it. In the Netherlands Orange is the new white.
The love of color doesn’t extend to education. The Netherlands has ‘black’ schools, this label is given by the Dutch government to schools with a student population of fifty per cent allochtonen—non-western immigrants. Once a school is classified as being ‘black’ middle-class Dutch parents will sell their kidneys to avoid sending their children to one. Could the lack of empathy displayed in the Zwarte Piet discussion spring from segregation in Dutch primary schools?
Foreigners disagreeing with them on any subject
The Dutch are never wrong. If a Dutch person says that something is fact, then that’s the way it is. In the Netherlands many have attended the University of Google, the Dutch know their facts. You are wrong, better get used to it.
Dressing up at funerals
Oma has gone to that great Lidl in the sky, leaving all her money to her family. In most countries, it’s normal to go to a funeral wearing black as a sign of respect. Not in the Netherlands. “I’m cycling to the funeral so need to wear something comfortable, now where’s my fleece track suit?” I’ve witnessed a couple of funerals in the Netherlands, people turn up wearing whatever they feel like, with jeans being the norm rather than the exception.
Paying at toll roads
“What’s the point being in the EU if we Dutch are discriminated against and have to pay to use toll roads in Germany and France?” The Dutch hate spending money unnecessarily in most circumstances, but nothing makes the blood of a Dutch person boil like aardappels in a pan, than having to pay for a toll road.
Shouting drunken British stag parties (In Amsterdam)
Groups of drunken Brits, often in fancy dress (as nurses, knights, or women) running around the center of Amsterdam. As they stagger into bike lanes, yell and shout and claim to be discriminated against as they argue with doormen of nightclubs while stinking of stale beer and weed. They do their best to ruin the image of the UK as being a country of fine manners and decorum. Groups of drunk British girls are often even more badly behaved, with confused passersby asking themselves “did they forget to put skirts on?”
You’re sitting on the terrace of a cafe, brushing away the cigarette smoke and enjoying a rare sunny day, when along comes a beer bike. There’s nothing finer than a group of drunks, blocking the road and making, even more, noise than a Dutch woman telling her friends about her latest tinder date. Vervelend!
People who believe that Dutch men are hoerenlopers
Hoerenloper is the Dutch term for men that consume the services of bed bound entrepreneurs (Prostitutes). Some foreigners believe that with such services being so readily available in the Netherlands (and legal) that Dutch men must nip out during their lunch breaks and hop on a working girl five times a week. This displays an incredible ignorance of Dutch culture. Dutch men would never dream of paying for something that they can easily get for free via Tinder, online dating, fraternities, neighbors, in-laws, the lady behind the till at the local supermarket, etc, etc.
Having too many “foreign” neighbors
Everyone knows how tolerant the Dutch are. Large sections of the Dutch population prefer having ‘alleen maar nette mensen’ as neighbors. In polite society, this means only autochtonen, not too many foreigners.
Criticism of Dutch health care
The typical experience of Expats is that you go to visit a doctor, in excruciating pain. You start explaining what the problem is only to be interrupted with “you do realize that the appointment is only for ten minutes, if you need more time you’ll have to make another appointment”. So you hurry up with your explanation, all the time feeling even worse, to which the doctor advises “go to the chemist next door and buy yourself some paracetamol if you’re still alive in a weeks time and in pain, make another appointment”. Never tell this to a Dutch person, they hate criticism of their medical system, which is, of course, the BEST IN THE WORLD. (It’s actually pretty damn good).
If you don’t want Dutch people to hate you, don’t whatever you do make jokes about having babies at home to save money, or women having contractions but ignoring them as they are too busy taking advantage of the three packets of dishwasher tablets for the price of two offer at the Kruidvat.
Foreigners that Don’t speak Dutch
Dutch people hate bloody foreigners come to the Netherlands and REFUSE to learn Dutch. Bloody Dutch people that REFUSE to speak Dutch with foreigners. It’s the age old vicious circle. Learning Dutch is easy, practicing Dutch is tougher than Badr Hari. In Amsterdam, my advice is to use a Dutch school that integrates speaking Dutch with locals into their course. There are only three or four Dutch natives in Amsterdam that will speak Dutch with foreigners, so they must be very busy.
The Shallow Man
Too polite, far too well dressed and way too much sarcasm. Go back to London!
The Shallow Man would like to thank the many people that have contributed ideas for this post, including the Dutch expert on Brits, Kasper Knack, Eva de Jong, Frank Teunissen and Barbora Brngálová plus many, many more. Keep em coming on my facebook page.
No nette mensen were hurt during the writing of this post.
Till next time if you don’t like it here rot op naar je eigen land!
I’ve seen a grown woman wearing orange crocs to a funeral
Letsh leyeeaf ijt for a wijile and schee whot happensj eh” Dotch hjater.
Dutch people and doctors didn’t hear about vaccinations for flue and chicken pocks. You come to ask for that they look at you like an alien even if you agree to pay for it.
The Doctor visit part 100% true!!! happened to me more then once… You go there with your kid – they say – ok give him paracetamol if it keeps bothering then come back…
I found you just a few days ago, but I love you already 🙂
Lol, I am Dutch, grew up in the Netherlands and I very disagree with your orange thing. Dutch people do go to sun salons, but definately not for spray tans, they get brown because of UV. And what Dutch people definately HATE is people that are too tanned. I now live in the UK and I found out people here are actually orange because of spray tans. For the rest nice article, I like it!
This is why when you visit the doctor you should always begin with “I’ve had this cough/wound/pain in my chest for two weeks now. I thought it would go away but it hasn’t.
This heads off the usual “lets leave it for while and see what happens”.
On the health care bit you should have left it without the praise sentence at the end 🙂 that could lead to something interesting in the comments section.
Brilliant like always, shallow man! Love the humour and sarcastic narrative that, sadly, 100% reflects reality in the Netherlands!
You would not believe the amount of times I heard from my ex-GP ‘Go home, take some paracetamol and if its not better next week, then come back’ – Yeah, ok but I have broken my leg!!!! You needed to be coughing up blood over his desk to actually get sent to the hospital!
The bit about the doctor being dismissive of their patients agues and pains is absolutely true. But only foreigners complain about it. The Dutch have been raised this way. Why? Because that’s how you keep healthcare costs low, of course! Silly question.
Besides, all foreigners are wusses.