The Amsterdam Confessions of a Shallow Man

Life in the Netherlands Through the Eyes of a Sarcastic Expat

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How To Become a Successful Instagram Influencer in the Netherlands

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Five Tips on how to become a successful Instagram “influencer” in the Netherlands

Here’s an almost true story. 😉

A man is walking along the Prinsengracht in Amsterdam. He suddenly falls to the ground clutching his chest. A crowd gathers around the fallen man. Someone asks, “Is anyone here a doctor?” The crowd mumbles, then a lady in leopard print pants says, “no, but I’m an Instagram influencer”. To which someone else says, “really? I’m an Instagram influencer too, how many followers do you have?” Another lady pipes up, “Wat leuk, ik ben ook een influencer”. The ladies get together and start taking selfies, meanwhile, the poor chap on the pavement seeing this, wishes he had a gun to take his own life, which would be preferable than listen to a bunch of ‘influencers’ exchanging Insta tips while discussing the number of followers they have and their favourite filters. Which brings me to the subject of today’s post. How to become a successful Instagram ‘influencer’ in the Netherlands.

The things I do for my readers!

 

1. Always post some deep and profound text in English

Even if you’re the kind of Dutch girl who doesn’t want to share an apartment with internationals, English does have its uses. It’s great for coming up with pseudo-philosophical faux inspirational sayings to accompany selfies on the gram.

Instagram influencer at bike parking in Amsterdam
I almost gave up looking for my bike, then I remembered that victory is always possible for the person who refuses to stop fighting. #dutchonly #nointernationals #geenengelsthuis #solucky #instagraminfluencer #foundmybike

 

2. Every wannabe Instagram influencer must visit a Dutch tulip field

Incredibly, not many people have ever thought about taking selfies of themselves in tulip fields. If you want to be at the cutting edge of the influencing world, get yourself into a tulip field and create some photos for your feed.

 

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A post shared by Amsterdam Photographer (@anniekostolany) on

So leuk! Echt! #noonewearsadressinholland #sooriginal #makesperfectsense #getoffmylandinstab

 

 

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A post shared by Daria Vtorova (@daria_vtorova) on

#relief #intouchwithnature #notpaying50centstousealoo

3. Take hundreds of photos in the Jordaan area of Amsterdam

You can’t possibly hope to be a successful Instagram influencer in the Netherlands if you don’t have lots of photos of you posing in the Jordaan area of Amsterdam. It’s the place that apart from the red light district that most people associate Amsterdam with. Lots of pretty canal houses and the locals are soooo friendly. They absolutely love nothing more than being told to go back in their homes as not to ruin the 95th take of Anouk in leopard print, black leather jacket and white sneakers looking moody while posing in front of someones home. “Een beetje geduld alstublieft je ouwe graftak!”. (A bit of patience you old grave dodger).

 

 

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“If you believe very strongly in something, stand up and fight for it. The way I’m sitting down in this photo taken in the Jordaan?

#basic #thejordaanispublicproperty #sityourbuttwhereveryouplease

 

In fact, the city council should simply enforce a curfew for residents of the Jordaan area so that they don’t ruin the photoshoots of Instagrammers during daylight hours.

4. Take photos of yourself in the Pijp area of Amsterdam

The Pijp neighbourhood with its 10,575 places serving chai tea, quinoa, overpriced sla (salad) and soya milk lattes is soooo photogenic! The area is so gentrified that the mayor of Amsterdam is considering renaming one of the areas most famous streets to Ferdinand Bowl Straat. This makes perfect sense as there are about 20 places serving poke bowls there and it will make it easier for tourists to find.? No doubt it won’t be long before Hollands famous street market is renamed as the Albert Crap Straat, which wouldn’t be far from the truth. Anyhow, I digress. Instagrammers love having photos taken there.

This four-legged influencer was a bit shocked by the menu and prices.

 

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#ruff #snoopveggydog #gotmymindonmymoneyandmymoneyonmymind

5.? Make sure to include a bike in your feed

You need to make sure that people know that you’re in the Netherlands by posing with a bike on a regular basis. Don’t forget to throw in some spot-on hashtags and of course a good motivational quote in het Engels!

 

Instagram Influencer in Amsterdam Posing by a canal
Life is like having a bike in Amsterdam if you’re not careful it can be stolen from you while posing for your 100th take of a photo on Instagram and your stupid boyfriend won’t even notice it happening in front of him!

 

 

 

So there you have it. Instead of infesting the Jordaan and the Pijp like some kind of biblical plague, rot op naar Hoofddorp and take some photos of yourself with a ‘serious’ expression on your face that looks like your trying not to choke on a piece of drop. Add some incredibly philosophical deep meaning piece of text (always in English) that says something profound like, “The first time you fried bitterballen they didn’t come out well. Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.”

I’ll leave the final words to a member of the Amsterdam Shallow Man Facebook group. Who had this to say about ‘influencers’.
“Influencers”. Riiiight. If you’re “influenced” by some tart with a trout pout on Instagram, you really need to re-evaluate your life.”

No residents of the Jordaan or the Pijp were hurt during the writing of this post.

 

Restaurant of the week Frank’s Smokehouse

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My Restaurant of the week Frank’s Smokehouse

Disclaimer: If you’re a vegan, look away, as this post contains gratuitous and explicit descriptions of eating meat.

I first discovered the food of Frank’s Smokehouse many years ago. An American friend of mine in Amsterdam had a thanksgiving party and served turkey he’d ordered from there. Being British, I, of course, I grew up eating turkey for Christmas and Easter. Nevertheless, I was a little concerned when told that we’d be eating turkey at the party as it often can end up being as dry and rubbery as the sole of a pair of Birkenstocks.

My fears proved to be unfounded as my friend served smoked turkey which was tender and just damn right delicious. Since that time, whenever I spend Christmas in the Netherlands, I always order their smoked Turkey. In recent years, they’ve opened a restaurant in Amsterdam East which I finally got around to visiting.

Frank’s Smokehouse Restaurant

Frank’s Smokehouse is a combination of a delicatessen, a smokehouse and a restaurant. Frank, is a kut buitenlander from the USA who studied at Le Cordon Bleu in Paris and has lived in the Netherlands for many years.

Service

I must say that the service was relaxed and friendly from the start with a warm welcome upon arrival. Not a typical Dutch service experience at all. Drinks arrived quickly and the food, my god the food!

 

The meal

I had the hometown shrimp. Steamed prawns beautifully seasoned and served in their shells. I then moved on to the brisket which was apparently lightly smoked. I can only tell you that it was so succulent that it practically melted on the tongue. Beautifully seasoned and every mouthful was an absolute joy. I kid you not.

 

frank's smokehouse roast brisket

 

Dessert

I don’t often eat desserts but I decided to try their chocolate lava cake. I can only say that it was even better than it looks in the photo below.? It managed to be rich, creamy without being too sweet. The lava filling provided me with an almost religious experience. The homemade ice cream left me wanting more. It was just an incredible dessert!

chocolate lava cake

 

I should also add that they have an excellent wine list and a selection smoked fish which I’ll definitely try the next time I pay them a visit. Which will be very soon. If you’d like to pay them a visit here’s their website. I’ll finish this piece by making it clear that this is not a sponsored post, I had one the best meals I’ve eaten this year there so am happy to let people know about it.

No vegans were hurt during the writing of this post.

Fitch & Shui in Amsterdam the Club Sandwich That Shook My Faith in God

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Fitch &?Shui and the club sandwich?from hell

I’m not a religious man, but like many ex-Catholics, I still cling on to remnants of my faith. On a busy day in Amsterdam in between meetings, I decided to pop into Fitch & Shui and have a sandwich. Having an appreciation for the classics I decided to order a club sandwich, which looked good on the menu, served with organic chicken and avocado.

Tales from the Fitch & Shui waterhole

For those of you not familiar with Fitch & Shui, it’s an excellent bar near?to the world?trade center, in Amsterdam Zuidas. On a Friday evening, the bar is like a scene from the BBC wildlife documentary series planet earth. If I were to do a voiceover while witnessing the goings on I’d write something like the following:

“Here we see?a herd of Dutch men commonly known as kakkers in their natural habitat. They can be recognized by the various shades of blue suits and predominantly brown?shoes. The leaders of the herd have their hair combed backwards with lots of hair gel, and are sometimes mistaken for being lions. In spite of their huge size, watch as they?drink beer from tiny little glasses”.

Business Antelopes

Suddenly the atmosphere changes in the bar as a group of incredibly well-dressed women (by Amsterdam standards) enter the bar in business suits, skirts and shoes with heels. One can sense the tension in the air as the kakkers nervously look at the women, look away, look and then look away again.

Expat herds

Also frequenting the waterhole are herds of expats, grateful that they’ve been allowed to live in the greatest country in the world, as long as they keep their opinions about Dutch culture to themselves. Some even attempt to converse in the local language but are quickly rebuffed with comments such as. “I don’t want to speak Dutch with you as your accent irritates me”. Other overheard snippets of conversation include, “so you’re Polish? Which cleaning firm do you work for?”

The History of the Club Sandwich

A club sandwich, also called a clubhouse sandwich, is a sandwich of occasionally toasted bread, sliced cooked poultry, fried bacon, lettuce, tomato, and mayonnaise.[1][2][3] It is often cut into quarters or halves and held together by hors d’?uvre sticks. Modern versions frequently have two layers which are separated by an additional slice of bread, though this is not a required feature of the sandwich.

The club sandwich may have originated at the Union Club of New York City.[4] The earliest known reference to the sandwich is also an early recipe; “Have you tried a Union Club sandwich yet? Two toasted pieces of Graham bread, with a layer of turkey or chicken and ham between them, served warm.”[5] Several other early references also credit the chef of the Union Club with creating the sandwich.[6][7]

See the image below. It was what I was?expecting when I placed my order

A classic club sandwich
A proper club sandwich

What I received instead

Yes, it’s fair to say that I’m not particularly religious anymore, but what I received at Fitch & Shui which they called a club sandwich shook my faith in god. “My lord, what have I done to offend thee?”

Fitch & Shui Amsterdam club sandwich
The club sandwich I still have nightmares about

 

Tasteless white bread. Anorexic slices of chicken so thin that they wouldn’t even get a job on a catwalk. Avocado spread devoid of flavor. The sandwich was like meeting someone for the first time who looks fabulous on Tinder, only to realize that they must be experts with photoshop. It was visually unappetizing but my god the taste, I can’t even describe it. I wanted to rinse my mouth out with bleach.

When the efficient and friendly waitress asked me if I enjoyed the sandwich. Ignoring that I only took a few bites of one and left the other untouched. For once, I decided not to complain, and simply paid and left. I also resolved to start praying more often as perhaps the sandwich was punishment for ignoring my religion for so long.

Behave like the Dutch
Should pray more often

In closing

If you enjoy watching the mating habits of the professional classes, by all means, go to Fitch & Shui. But please, don’t order the club sandwich.

No kakkers were hurt during the writing of this post.

Till next time, hou je snavel!

 

 

Proof of Life in Noord The Butcher Social Club

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The Butcher Social Club

Amsterdam North. So near, yet so far away. David Bowie sang ‘is there life on Mars?’. I had similar thoughts about Amsterdam North. In fact, the Shallow Man hadn’t visited that part of the world for some time until on a cold December evening I took a ferry?across the IJ to the A’dam Toren, to attend the opening party of the Butcher Social Club.

The Butcher

If you live in Amsterdam and haven’t heard of the Butcher, you really do need to get out more. The original Butcher is a burger bar in Amsterdam in the Pijp. Hidden away in the back of the place, behind what appears to be a large refrigerator door is, in fact, one of the Shallow Man’s favorite bars.?

A journey across the river

Having haunted the bar of the Butcher like Marley’s ghost (Jacob not Bob) over the years, ?I was invited to the opening of the Butcher Social Club in Noord. In order to get there from the center of Amsterdam, the fastest way is to take the Buiksloterweg ferry known as?the Pont across the Ij. This service runs 24 hours a day from behind Amsterdam Central Station and is free of charge. Yes, it’s gratis, which is why it’s full of Dutch people going back and forth, even though they don’t really need to be there.

During the four minute journey across the river to Amsterdam North, I realized that many of the passengers were obviously heading to the same destination, as they were by Amsterdam standards incredibly well dressed.

The Butcher Social Club party

The Butcher Social Club is based at the A’dam Toren (Amsterdam Towers). This 22-storey building has amongst other things a restaurant, a nightclub and an observation deck from which you can view Amsterdam in all its glory.

Upon entering, there was a huge queue for the cloakroom, however, our hosts were kind enough to provide complimentary glasses of wine while waiting. A good start to an excellent evening.

Wine being served at the Butcher Social Club
The dangers of a free bar
Live music and dancing at the Butcher Social Club in Amsterdam
The Butcher?Social Club what an atmosphere

No sneakers in sight

Over two thousand people attended the opening party. The event broke Amsterdam social norms in a number of ways:

  • There were women wearing (please sit down while reading this) shoes with high heels
  • Men wearing shoes that weren’t only brown
  • Many of the women there were actually wearing makeup
  • I didn’t see a single dress worn with sneakers

As you can imagine the points above, combined with a free bar, good music and delicious hamburgers made for the party of the year! To be fair I also had my?most evil hangover of 2016 the following morning but the less said about that the better.

Beautiful ladies at the opening party of the Butcher Social Club in Amsterdam

24 hour partying

Another thing worth noting is that on Fridays and Saturdays the Butcher Social Club is open 24/7. So if you fancy a late night cocktail, hamburger, or just fancy a dance, it’s well worth a visit.

A mini hamburger at the Butcher Social Club in Amsterdam
Lekker at any hour

Review of Bella Vista Italian Restaurant in Amsterdam

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Bella Vista Amsterdam

On a?cold and rainy saturday evening, I was looking forward to a sumptuous meal in the warm bosom of one of my favorite Italian restaurants in Amsterdam, Bella Vista.

Located in the chic Museum District of Amsterdam, not far from het concertgebouw?in Amsterdam oud zuid (old south), it’s full of chic looking older ladies with identical hairstyles. Blonde with dark highlights being the most popular.

Headless Chickens

Upon arriving, after marvelling at the successful business the local hairdresser must have, my first impression was one of utter chaos. The staff were running around like headless chickens. In spite of having reserved a table, we were left waiting around in our wet coats for quite some time.

Outside it was between 12 and 15 degrees, and in fact was still raining. In spite of this, a group of hardcore smokers were sat outside the restaurant consuming?enough cigarettes that the terrace of Bella Vista could probably be seen from space.

For some inexplicable reason, the fact that it was cold outside, didn’t bother the staff at all. The main door was left open. The table we’d been offered was drafty and cold. The waiter offered us another table which he assured us was in a warm spot. It certainly would have been warm if I’d kept my hat, coat and scarf on.

Wrap up warm if you plan to eat at Bella Vista
Wrap up warm if you plan to eat at Bella Vista

Priorities, priorities

It took ages before we were able to order. It was clear that the regular guests eating at the restaurant took priority, as they appeared to receive excellent service while we were still waiting to order a drink.?In spite of requesting?to have the door closed, ?it remained firmly open. It’s a strange feeling being sat in a restaurant and wishing that we’d kept our coats on. The food itself was excellent as always, but the service was appalling, and the constant cold draft ruined the?evening.

Fight for your right for tap water

I’d also like to add that in spite of ordering?glasses of water, a bottle of mineral water was brought to the table. For those of you not from the Netherlands, restaurants and cafes have to provide tap water if requested. There’s actually a law that covers this. Considering that we were also drinking wine, and prosecco, it’s not as if they wouldn’t have made enough money from us. Forcing bottled water on customers like this is just plain obvious and greedy.

Only when a family with a small child sat at the next table and also complained about the cold, did a member of staff finally close the main door. However, this was only for a short time, and soon the door was left wide open again. This led to people at the next table having to get up and keep closing the door.

To date Dutch women means standing outside in the cold while they smoke
I love eating at Bella Vista, the temperature is perfect

When it came to paying, I mentioned to the waiter that the cold had ruined our evening, to which he responded, “it’s not cold”.

The arrogance of the staff, and the refusal to keep the door closed on a cold evening absolutely ruined the meal and the evening. If you’re a heavy smoker and love sitting outside in the cold then I’d recommend this place, otherwise, during the winter months choose a place that operates for the convenience of its customers rather than the staff.

I used to love Bella Vista, but in the words of the Fleetwood Mac song, “never going back again”.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sKj1EFeU-cM

No penguins were hurt during the writing of this post