Hiiiii, it’s me again, Miriam, the bekende Nederlander and roving reporter from the top-rated Dutch breakfast show Morgen Van Morgen. Because most of our viewers are slow of mind and incredibly low of intelligence, on Fridays, we change the name of our show to Morgen Van Freitag. This helps our viewers know which day of the week it is.
This week has been what we in the media call a busy news week. Our top story was not the Typhoon in the Philippines as that’s just too far away for our viewers. No, for the last few days our lead item has been about the ending of the relationship of a Golddigger, who made her name on her back, and a psychopathic martial artist, who made his career knocking people onto theirs, in and out of the ring. The breakup has our viewers on the edge of their seats, it’s so exciting! We have had our showbiz deskundige (expert) in the studio every day providing lots of useful information on the relationship of two people who he doesn’t know nor has ever met. He’s so knowledgeable about what went on between them. We’ve had him on every ten minutes repeating pretty much the same thing over and over. It’s great television!
One of the things I love about living in Holland is that we are probably, the greatest democracy in the world. We are famous for our tolerance and love of the democratic process. Our other major news item on today’s show is that the National Police, the Army Special Forces, Mercenaries and other hired assassins will be on high alert tomorrow, code red, just in case anyone dares to demonstrate against Zwarte Piet.
Onze Zwarte Piets, white men and women who black themselves up, put on wigs that look coincidentally just like afro Caribbean hair, wear bright red lipstick and gold earrings, but are only this way because they go down a chimney, are under threat from people that dare to criticise our tradition and call it racist! These people are a danger to society which is why the Police will shoot dead anyone who dares to say a negative word about Zwarte Piet tomorrow, the day many of the parades will begin. Democracy is a wonderful thing, as long as everyone has the same opinion. Those who don’t like Zwarte Piet should go back to where they came from, including those Dutch people of colour who were born here.
We then went back to discussing the Golddigger, who is also currently divorcing from a famous football player. She’s worried that the divorce settlement payments, which are a pitiful ten thousand euros a month, might lead to her having to work for a living to make ends meet. The poor thing! I know that if it wasn’t for the allowance that daddy pays me, I certainly couldn’t live on the twelve thousand euros a month that they pay me for presenting Morgen van Morgen.
Another five hour work day has ended. I’m going to a lunch event that will have all of the famous people in the Netherlands attending. So yes, they’ve booked a table for five.
Fijn Weekend. Miriam
No democratic rights to freedom of speech were hurt during the writing of this article.