The Diary of a Dutch Breakfast TV Presenter

Hiiiiii, it’s me again, Miriam, your humble roving Dutch breakfast TV reporter from Morgen Van Morgen or MVM. You know, being a journalist is such an important job. Five days a week we bring millions of people, who are too passive, depressed, or just plain crazy, important news. We really set the news agenda for the day.

This morning I had to go and do a critical report on the welfare of a sweet little hedgehog that had been found wandering through the streets of Amsterdam alone. He was adopted and lots of our viewers call in asking for an update on his welfare. So today I went along and conducted an exciting interview on how the Hedgehog is getting along in his new home. I asked the person who is caring for him such in-depth questions as “Is he eating well?, How does he sleep? He’s looking a bit prickly, I guess it’s because it’s so early. Leuk!”

Dutch breakfast TV is such hard work!

Yesterday, we had a production meeting to discuss the results of some research carried out on our programme. Apparently, people who watch the MVM breakfast TV show, are far more likely to commit suicide than other members of the public. Our marketing director was very excited about this as we can get adverts from well known junk food chains and insurance companies.

The research also shows that most of our viewers in spite of having an average age of sixty, have the reading level of  ten year olds. For that reason we have lots of graphics and images as not to stress out our viewers too much.

Richard Gere on Dutch Breakfast TV

Yesterday was such an exciting day for me as I got to meet one of my grandmothers favorite actors, Richard Gere. He’s in Amsterdam on a flying visit. So little old me, Miriam, from the little town of Laren, gets to meet an actual superstar! A transcript of the interview is below.

Myriam. “So Richard, good to meet you. Firstly, what do you think about the UN wanting to ban Zwarte Piet?”

RG “Zwarte what?”

“You know, Black Pete, some crazy Jamaican woman from the UN said that our Black Pete tradition is racist”

RG, totally confused. “Black?”

“Hey, he’s black because he went down the Chimney, so he’s not actually Black you know. I mean, he’s not a negro, yes, he has curly hair and red lips, and gold, but that’s what happens if you go down a Chimney right?”

RG “Right”

Myriam, “Ladies and gentlemen you heard it first here on the number one Dutch breakfast TV channel MVM, Richard Gere supports our Zwarte Piet tradition. Goed Zo!”

“So Richard, I’m going to ask you something you’ve probably never heard before, how does it feel to be such a sex symbol for the over seventies? Pardon, you have to leave now? Ok, It was gezellig, Doei!”

For my next assignment, I’ve been asked to do a serious interview with a group of normal members of the public on the effects of the recession on their daily lives. So I jump into my Mini Convertible, and drive to a place where I know lots of hard working people that are struggling, Blaricum. The film crew, tried to suggest that we go to the Bijlmer or Amsterdam East, but who wants to go there? It’s full of poor people!

So we arrive in Blaricum and we visit Cafe Rust Wat. A place where normal working people go for lunch. Sometimes, my job brings me to tears. Really! I interview a poor old man who tells me that he can only afford to eat out four times a week, the rest of the time his housekeeper has to make him food and he eats at home!

I interview a local businesswomen who tells me that she has had to reduce the costs of the services she provides by up to 40%. In the good old days she even used to accept credit cards, but now only cash.  “I was plan to upgrade my breasts to 36DD, now I have to make do with 34DD, it’s bad for business as in Het Gooi, the men like them big and hard. If you and your film crew are interested, I give discount for groups” She’s so desperate to make ends meet!

The last person I interviewed had the saddest story to tell. Before the recession his modest home was worth four million euros. He put it on the market recently and was only offered 3.2 million. He’s going to have to let at least two gardeners and one of his cleaning staff go, as his property has lost so much value. To reduce costs he no longer heats his swimming pool and now its too cold to go swimming in. He looked so unhappy as he ordered his second bottle of Champagne, tears came to my eyes, again!

Well another super intellectual report over, I’m going to visit mummy in Laren. My Mini is 18 months old now and she needs to get me a new one.

 

 

No hedgehogs were hurt during the writing of this article.

Buy the Amsterdam Confessions of a Shallow Man, I guarantee you’ll want me to go back to London after reading it.