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From Russia with anything but love

From Russia with anything but love

The Shallow Man, the mature and aging, but always elegant fossil,  formerly of London now of Amsterdam, has been reflecting on how we are living in the age of convenience. I’m so advanced in years, that I can remember when accessing the Internet involved a device that would make huge amounts of noise to connect and then the worst nightmare of any Internet user was forgetting to disconnect the modem as the charges were usually per hour.

Men were far more patient in those days, as calling up a picture of a naked woman, required lots of time for the image to appear on screen. Who could have envisaged how far and how quickly technology would develop. In the present day, with mobile Internet and high speed connections it’s possible in a single evening to order food, download and watch a movie, while simultaneously swiping your way through potential dates, all via the internet, without leaving the house. If the local ladies are not to your liking you can even go online and find a huwelijks makelaar and import a woman from Ukraine or Russia, which brings me to the subject of today’s post, from Russia with love.

For those of you that have better things to do, you might not be aware of RTL’s reality show that follows five (desperate) Dutch men as they look for Russian ladies in Ukraine.

From Russia with love

Dutch men who are not exactly having ladies fight over them here in the Netherlands, that then find themselves a huge hit with Russian ladies overseas should wake up and smell the Vodka. It’s not your looks or personality that they are interested in.  The rest of this article provides more insight into this.

Jeroen and Gerben back from Kiev

According to from Russia with Love there are 20 men to every hundred women in Ukraine. This blog might have to be renamed to the Ukraine confessions of a shallow man as I intend to move there tomorrow, purely for research purposes.

So Jeroen and Gerben, two eligible bachelors that spent time in Ukraine using the services of a huwelijks makelaar have returned home. Gerben had some success in the Ukraine with a woman who was looking for a fine hunky specimen of Dutch male. Jeroen on the other hand, found out that his personality functioned as a kind of natural contraceptive. No matter how hard he tried, even the most cynical of Russian gold diggers, wanted nothing to do with him. This could have had something to do with his habit of mentioning sex in just about every conversation. Jeroen is a living example of that old Chinese saying “man with hands in pocket feel cocky all day.”

Two fine pieces of Dutchness
Two fine pieces of Dutchness

 

Two weeks after returning from Kiev, they loved it so much that they ordered a take away, all the way from Ukraine. Mariana and Anhelina.

From Russia with anything but love
Fast food Ukrainian style

Jeroen and Gerben speak English as if someone is holding a gun to their heads. These two are not the cleverest of men, but are kind of endearing in a simple, backward farmer type of way. The Ukrainian ladies speak better English than the two guys. Mariana also lets slip her gold digger credentials.

Gold digger nice car
A gold diggers favorite things

Don’t believe the hype

Jeroen and Gerben had evil plans for their two Ukrainian visitors. They hired a cabin in the woods. Upon arriving it’s clear that there are two bedrooms. Jeroen tells the ladies that the sleeping arrangements are that each lady will share a room with one of the guys. In spite of the image that some men have of Ukrainian girls, the ladies make it quite clear that they will share one room and the guys another. Not yet defeated, the guys go for plan b, which is to try and get the ladies drunk. Unfortunately, they insist on drinking that famous aphrodisiac……tea.

How to impress the ladies

Or not as the case may be.

From Russia with disgust
From Russia with disgust

Hollands next top players, Jeroen and Gerben, treat the ladies to a fine romantic meal of pickled onions and beer. The girls are disgusted by Jeroen who stuffs half a jar of pickles into his mouth in one go and proceeds to spend a lot of time crunching away. Romantic.

Back to the pimps

A big shout out to my main pimps Gerben and Jeroen. Respect players. So these two have the very attractive ladies in their cabin, and it’s time for dinner. They naturally tell the ladies to make dinner. Not any old meal, but that favorite dish of romantics everywhere, herring. This was just about enough for the ladies who were mad as hell about having to cook for the two guys.

From Russia with fish
Love food. Herring

If you want to laugh till tears run down your face

Watch from Russia with love. It’s one of the funniest things I’ve seen in years. It’s hard to believe that there are people out there that are so dumb and naive. Gerben and Jeroen are destined to remain single for a long, long time, unless they eventually settle for each other, as in many ways they are the perfect couple.

Some of the other men participating on this show, are hopelessly naive, and when their mail order brides have divorced them and plundered their bank accounts they will live to regret their Russian adventures, but until then tune in and laugh. I certainly did.

From Russia with objectives
I thought whales were becoming extinct?

No Dutch pimps were hurt during the writing of this post.

Don’t go all the way to Russia to find a girl. There are plenty of Ugg boot and jeans wearing ladies here. Read the Shallow Man Guide to Dating the Dutch.

About Simon Woolcot

Infamous blogger, annoyance and self-confessed Shallow Man. Simon is a British expat who has lived in Amsterdam since 2004. As well as writing this blog, Simon also has a YouTube channel of the same name, writes and directs videos and hosts seminars about life in the Netherlands. He also works as a content marketing and SEO specialist.

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