Adam zoekt Eva

The Shallow Man, provider of essential services to his ever growing band of followers, once sat through and wrote about an episode of Adam zoekt Eva. I won’t go as far as to say that I was traumatised by the experience, but almost. For those of you that have the good taste not to watch this programme, it’s yet another reality show from the “how low can we go” team at RTL. The concept is simple. People are bored of reality shows and especially, reality dating ones, so what do you do to counteract this? Simple, go to a tropical island and have the participants run around naked, the whole time. Spannend! No it is not.

During a moment of weakness, I recently asked my readers via facebook, if I should write a follow up piece about Adam zkt Eva, the overwhelming response was yes I should. So, in spite of my personal misgivings of having to watch this programme again, here it is, another piece about Adam zoekt Eva. The things I do for my readers!

The naked truth

In the latest episode that I had the misfortune, no sorry, joy, to sit through, the participants in question are the 23 year old songwriter Annelinde. Judging by the song she was singing as she rowed to the Island, she really ought to give up her day job and focus on making a fool of herself on reality TV. Oh I forgot, she’s also come to the same conclusion, and that’s exactly what she’s doing.

Predictably, she claims (no doubt following hours of rehearsals) that she is there looking for love. If you believe that, you also believe that babies are delivered by a big bird, that 9/11 was a conspiracy, that Geert Wilders would love to have a Moroccan family living next door to him and that women love nothing more than to go Dutch on a first date. In other words, I’m not buying the nonsense that every candidate on this program repeats robot like.

I’d have far more respect for the candidates if they simply told the truth, for example. “I tried for parts in Achter Gesloten Deuren, Goede Tijden Slechte Tijden and even fashion planet, but wasn’t good enough, so thought that going naked would help me get future roles.”

These two are best seen from behind from a distance

These two are best seen from behind from a distance

Along comes Jasper, who is also looking for love. As everyone knows the best way to meet a potential partner is to strip off naked and be filmed 24 hours a day doing so. To all those of you in serious (not tinder) relationships, ask yourselves honestly, could you tolerate being naked with your chosen partner 24 hours a day? Probably not, but hey, according to RTL, this is the way to find love.

Waarom doe je mee aan dit geweldige liefdes experiment?

Nicolette Kluiver is the presenter of this show. She get’s paid money to ask, deep, probing, insightful questions such as why are you taking part in this fantastic love experiment?  Thankfully, she at least keeps her clothes on throughout the programme. I’ve only seen this programme twice, and on both occasions she has asked pretty much the same question, but hey, she’s pretty, even if she does have the kind of shrill voice that you could cut a diamond with.

I get paid to ask the same stupid questions every week.

I get paid to ask the same stupid questions every week.

So Jasper responds with the answer beaten into him by RTL. “I’m here looking for love” Yeah right! He doesn’t appear to be the brightest light bulb in the box. I’m sure he’d have difficulty finding a smoking Dutch woman in Bar Italia, let alone finding love. He’s looking for someone that will fit well with him, so it would help if the woman has recently had a lobotomy.


New knowledge shared on Adam zoekt Eva

The show is also educational. According to Annalinde, we are all born naked. Who knew? I was sure that I was born in a three piece suit. I’ll have to call my mother. So Annalinde helpfully mentions that she has small boobs, but some people like that. Another essential tip provided by Annalinde, font of all useless knowledge, is that she asked her mother, how will she know if the guy is right for her, to which she was advised to check out how long his “lul” his. From what I can see, she should be dissapointed with Jasper, who appears to be suffering from permanent shrinkage.

The Dalai Annelinde

The Dalai Annelinde

Two’s company three’s a crowd?

Jasper and Annelinde, are getting along, as only people who are naked the whole time can, when suddenly, a second Eva called Mayke appears on the island. Interestingly enough, Annelinde and Mayke click immediately, and appear to be far more attracted to each other than to our slow thinking chap with the shrinkage problem. Annelinde mentions that she once was in love with a woman and who knows what could occur. Likewise, Mayke also describes herself as an open minded, free thinking individual and that she certainly finds Annelinde attractive. Mayke has big teeth, and speaks without moving her mouth, her voice kind of slips out between her teeth like a ventriloquist.  Lekker!

Annalinde, is given a message from the programme makers that she has to make a decision on who stays on the Island, Mayke or Jasper. Just to make this excruciatingly tedious programme even more of a pass the cyanide tablets kind of experience, Annelinde, from the good lord knows where, pulls out a guitar, and starts singing a terrible song. If I was the Adam on that Island, I’d choose death over another moment with Annelinde.

The decision

So who will be chosen to stay on the island with Annalinde? Who really cares? RTL do their best to try and make this the exciting climax of the show. Dramatic music, lots of mentions of the big decision she has to make. All that was going through mind was, how did Nicolette Kluiver ever get the job as presenter of this program? She has the emotional range of a pair of wet socks. A voice that could carry out executions, and as far as I can see, zero talent, but I’m in a good mood today and am being nice. So back to the decision.

RTL have managed to cram in as many commercial breaks as legally allowed into the programme. Nicolette Kluiver tries to put on her serious face and voice, which is supposed to tell the viewer “hey Mevrouw Kluiver has a serious face, this is important.” I agree, it’s as important as a puppy doing a poop on the pavement. So here we are, finally, just as I was reaching for the razor blades, the decision is made and Annalinde chooses……….Mayke. As Mayke speaks without moving her mouth, kissing could be a challenge, but hey, I’m sure that if they do kiss that RTL will be zooming in on every detail.

Finally though, it turns out that Mayke prefers men, but her and Annalinde will be good friends. Time to throw up.

No ventriloquists were hurt during the writing of this article, however, having watched this show, the Shallow Man is in pain.