Hiiiiiii, it Miriam, your favourite bekende Nederlander from morgen van vrijdag, the Dutch breakfast news programme aimed at readers of de Telegraaf, which is like a simplified version of the Sun newspaper, without the boobies. Of course, a large number of our viewers can barely read, which is why our motto is to keep it simple and doe maar normaal!
When we are producing our show, we always aim our program at two normal Dutch people, Henk and Ingrid. These are two average Dutch couple. They live in a small village, where if people come back from holiday with a suntan, they are not spoken to as they are then suspected of having some kind of foreign, non-Dutch blood in them. Henk and Ingrid eat sausages out of a tin (Unox) drink cheap tasteless beer, distrust allochtonen (foreigners) have no curtains in their windows, get very angry if English is spoken anywhere near them, love the royal family, Zwarte Piet, FEBO, denim and Geert Wilders. They refuse to have the heating above 19 degrees in winter to save money, and read one book every five years, in short, the average Mr and Mrs doe maar normaal. They did see a black person in their village once and called the police.
This week I’ve been sooooo busy. Along with other bekende Nederlanders, I’ve been helping out with the fundraising for the Philippines disaster. There was a major telethon event, where stars like myself actually answered the phone and spoke to normal insignificant people like you, and Henk and Ingrid to get them to send money to Giro 555. At first, I wasn’t going to take part, after all, isn’t that what daddy pays my taxes for? My showbiz agent intervened and explained that it’s great publicity and can lead to other offers of TV work or the holy grail of the Dutch entertainment business, doing tv adverts for a diabolic chicken torturing supermarket whose fruit looks wonderful in the store but is programmed to start rotting the moment you leave the premises. It was so nice speaking to normal people, who were so excited to have a conversation with superstars such as myself.
“Telethon 555, Miriam on the telephone”
Caller “Miriam who?”
“Miriam from Morgen van Vrijdag”
“Can I speak to a real bekende Nederlander? Is the man from the Albert Heijn commercials available? No? What about the old blond woman that’s had lots of plastic surgery and looks like a walking corpse?
“I’ll see if de Mol is available”
“Is this where I can give money to help Marlies Dekkers?”
The telethon was a great way of seeing people who were famous for three minutes in the past and were now down on their luck. It was wonderful to see them having a warm meal and enjoying the free alcohol, that of course was provided by one of the sponsors who made sure that their brand name was mentioned repeatedly during the event. One of my fellow bekende Nederlanders got so carried away with the free booze and attention from the TV cameras that the silly sausage promised to pay one euro for every like on her Facebook page. Three hundred thousand people liked her page, normally she has fewer likes than the shallow man (an annoying menace who should go back to London) so she was shocked that so many people took her up on her offer. She was in tears! I tried to console her by saying to her, “what’s the problem? Ask your daddy to pay the bill” the way she responded was niet Leuk. I won’t be talking to her again.
Lots of money was raised for (what was it for again?) and many starving actors, actresses and second-rate singers were fed as well, win/win!
On Morgen van Vrijdag we reported a serious case of a couple who have been living off taxpayers money and yet were cheeky enough to go on holiday in the Caribbean!! Daddy was really annoyed by this. He pays millions in taxes every year and finds it insulting that those who don’t work can still afford to go on holiday. As he is also the chairman of the media group which produces morgen van vrijdag he made sure we covered this in lots of detail. A photo of the couple is below.
Ok, I have to go to Spa Zuiver now, life is soooo hard. Doei!!!