As every owner of substandard steakhouses, which claim to have some relation to Argentina will tell you, location is everything. Just take a wander through the Leidsestraat and Rembrandtplein, or in any busy street in the Netherlands for that matter. You’ll find diabolical places serving food that even Oliver Twist would have refused to eat, god bless his orphan socks. The owners of such establishments know that no matter how poor the food and service, that there’ll always be passing trade that will guarantee that they remain busy, regardless. Location is key, which brings me to the subject of today’s post, ending relationships and where.
Good locations and tips on ending relationships
In Amsterdam in 2014 it’s never been easier to start a relationship with the wrong person. Tinder, online dating, festivals, bars, it so easy to meet people, the wrong kind of people. So inevitably, a modern man or woman about town will reach the stage, where they have to call the latest liaison to an end. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before someone comes up with a smartphone app that will “unmatch” relationships, thus saving lots of time, pain and embarrassment, until that day, the Shallow Man will provide a list of good locations and tips on ending relationships. The things I do for my readers!
As the Shallow Man lives in Amsterdam, my locations will of course be largely based on places I know in this most asocial of places.
A place where the service is so slow, that you and your partner can’t help but get irritated and end up in a bad mood. The food is terrible, sub standard and barely edible. If you’re looking for inspiration on how to bring up the subject of calling the relationship to an end, start by blaming your partner for taking you there, even if it was your idea. This should cause enough of an argument to make ending the relationship easier than having sex on a second tinder date, which is how you got into this mess in the first place.
The great thing about Museums is that you can’t shout in them, and if you do you’ll be thrown out. If your partner is the yelling, shouting, rolling on the floor in rage type, (Dutch female) and you want to end the relationship quietly and efficiently, go to a Museum.
Is your partner a rabid non-smoker? If it’s a sunny day, take them to Il Cavallino and get a seat on the terrace. It’s the sunniest spot in the neighborhood and is full of heavily smoking Dutch people. This should really piss your non-smoking partner off. The food is incredibly average, and the service poor. The combination of those three things will lead to them saying “how could you even think of bringing me here? You know how much I hate smoking.” To which the best response would be, “do you hate smoking? I don’t recall it ever coming up before.”
You can’t be bothered to tell your partner that they need to go? Send them a sign of how much you’ve grown to despise them. Have a kebab pizza delivered to their home. This should be enough for them to realise that your relationship has no future. Or if you’re really lucky they’ll get hit by a pizza delivery scooter while walking over a zebra crossing.
Restaurant Vinkeles (The Dylan) in Amsterdam. What a great place, incredibly creative and tasty food, wonderful service, the perfect place for a romantic meal. It has a michelin star and is not cheap. If your partner is Dutch, tell them that you will be paying for dinner, it’s your treat. Ask them to order whatever they want, in fact, insist on Champagne. When the bill arrives tell them you’ve forgotten your wallet/purse, this will guarantee that they’ll end the relationship.
The College Hotel
Ok here’s the gag. They charge BMW prices and provide Trabant service. You can sit there for hours waiting to be served, or receive something that you didn’t order, this is because all of the staff working there are “trainees” so the idea is that in spite of paying through the nose, that you should be patient with them as they are learning on the job. If your partner is the sympathetic type of person, that falls for this kind of corporate robbery, then take them to the College Hotel, order and then when it takes so long for your order to arrive that your hair starts turning grey, give the staff a really hard time. Your partner will say to you “don’t be hard on them, they are just trainees” to which you can say, “frankly my dear I don’t give a damn” this should start a nice argument, into which you can slip in the poison pill, “why are you so over emotional?” Seize the opportunity provided by a place that my father would have described as being all fur coat and no knickers.
The Cooldown cafe
Is your partner the jealous type? Well getting rid of them should be easier than getting your bike stolen in the Pijp area of Amsterdam. Take them to the cooldown after midnight any night from Thursday to Saturday. Actually Thursday’s it’s full of drunken students from small villages who are shocked to be somewhere that opens after 9pm in the evening. Just stand by the packed bar and within a matter of minutes you’ll be tongue kissing a complete stranger. If your partner objects, you can say “I’m just being sociable, when in Rome…”
The nuclear option
If none of the above works, and they are still clinging on to you like a gold digger to a footballer, deploy the nuclear option. Promise them the day out of their lives and then take them to………Rotterdam. That should cause things to end permanently.
No Rotterdammers were hurt during the writing of this post.
The Shallow Man is having a summer sale. The ebooks of the Amsterdam Confessions of a Shallow Man and Dating the Dutch are on sale from my site for only 0.99 cents. Enjoy!