Keep Zwarte Piet Black!
The PVV, the party of Geert Wilders, are proposing a new law to keep Zwarte Piet black. I say black, but actually, brown is also ok. Martin Bosma, a spokesperson for the PVV goes as far as to suggest that the physical characteristics of Zwarte Piet need to be defined in law.
His rationale for doing this is to protect Dutch culture from the influence of Islam, which makes perfect sense. I live in Amsterdam and it’s impossible to walk anywhere without people trying to convert me to Islam. Ok, it’s never actually happened, but it might, which makes the concerns of the PVV completely reasonable.
This law has absolutely nothing to do with the 2017 general election and attempting to win the votes of bigots, sorry, I mean concerned citizens. In fact, the PVV are correct when they suggest that some elements of Dutch culture should be protected by law. Which brings me to the subject of today’s post, some suggestions on Dutch traditions that should be made law in order to protect them.
Fifty Shades of Black Acceptable Colors for Zwarte Piets
In 2016 several Dutch city councils moved away from having only traditional black Piets and moved to having multicolored ones instead. The PVV regard this as an attack on Dutch culture. If their suggestion becomes law, it will be important to know which shades of brown or black will be in compliance with the new law.
I spoke with a PVV insider who has provided me with the shades of color that will be allowed when playing Zwarte Piet.
In honor of the most popular US President for many years. Geert Wilders couldn’t stand Obama, but what a beautiful shade of brown. Perfect for the new legally compliant Piets.
Tupac dark Brown
It’s a little-known fact that Geert Wilders is a huge fan of gangster rap. He can often be heard saying to his bodyguards, “yo, yo, if any Muslim tries to kill me, make sure you put a cap in their ass”. Naturally, he named this shade after the greatest rapper of them all, Tupac.
The classic, ‘definitely not a black man’, the most popular shade of black used by Zwarte Piets in the Netherlands.
Apply only this brand of black shoe polish on your face. However, it will be illegal to describe it as ‘blackface’.
Physical Characteristics of Zwarte Piet
The law will protect the physical characteristics of Zwarte Piet.
People playing Zwarte Piet have worn afro wigs since long before the discovery of the African continent. Recently, some caves were discovered in the Dutch city of Venlo. On the walls of one of the caves was a painting of a figure in a bright red suit with afro hair giving what looked like small stones to a group of smiling cave children.
Bright Red Lips
You can’t keep Zwarte Piet black or brown without also enforcing the wearing of red lipstick when playing him. The color of the lips being bright red are simply part of the costume.
Another important characteristic of ZP is naturally his accent. This should be thick Surinaams (when no black people are around or in a parade surrounded by lots of police officers).
Why keeping Zwarte Piet black is so important
Keeping Zwarte Piet black is critical. Every year, lots of Dutch people in small villages dress up as Zwarte Piet and are in and out of each other’s wives and girlfriends. When young Jeroen sees a Zwarte Piet leaving his mother’s bedroom, he thinks, “oh Zwarte Piet is here giving my mother an early delivery of presents for me wat leuk!”. What if the ZP only had streaks of soot on his face and no lipstick? Jeroen would recognize his uncle Jan and realize that he’s been porking his mother. The very fabric of village family life would break down in the Netherlands. Won’t somebody please think about the children? For this reason, the Shallow Man says keep Zwarte Piet black. Het is gewoon een kinderfeest!
Other parts of Dutch culture that should be protected by law
Red jeans and crocs
Ugg boots and smoking
Blue suits and brown shoes
The wearing of Birkenstocks all year round
Without a law to protect the items above, the Islamization of the Netherlands will continue and before you know it we’ll all be eating Baklava, Pide, and Couscous. Dutch women will be forced to wear headscarves, which would be a real shame for me personally as I’d laugh a lot less when out and about in Amsterdam.
No gangster rappers were hurt during the writing of this post.
Till next time, rot op naar je eigen dorp!