Cyclists in the Netherlands will be fined if they use smartphones while biking

Hell has officially frozen over. For many years, cyclists in the Netherlands have been holy creatures. They have stuck two fingers up at traffic rules and have done what the hell they like. Ignoring red lights, cycling on the wrong side of the road, on pavements. They’ve scattered pedestrians like bowling pins on zebra crossings. Given many a Shallow Man (and woman) near heart attacks by cycling at night without lights and weaving left to right slowly while busy “flirting” on their smartphones. Well from July 1st 2019 this will theoretically become a thing of the past as using mobile devices while cycling will be banned.



Flirting while cycling Dutch style

Jeroen: “Je bent een topper!”/You’re amazing
Anouk “Je ziet er goed uit in je bruine schoenen”/You look so good in your brown shoes
Jeroen: “Ik hou van je Vans schat, en jouw leopard print thong”/I love your Vans and leopard print thong
Anouk: “Ik heb geen leopard print thong”/I don’t have a leopard print thong
Jeroen: “Is dat niet Annalies?”/Isn’t this Annalies?
Anouk: “WAT? Flirt je misschien met mijn zus?”/What?? Are you flirting with my sister?
Jeroen: “ha,ha, dat was een grapje” /ha, ha, I was only joking

Meanwhile, a 2km traffic jam has built up as Jeroen weaves slowly from side to side from the bike lane into the main road. From July 1st Jeroen will face a 95 euros fine if the police can be bothered to actually enforce the new law.

No more “urgent” calls while cycling

The days of Jeroen calling Anouk and promising her that he’ll be home in ten minutes to defrost the vegan bitterballen while she sits in a cafe in Amsterdam Zuid wearing dark glasses inside with her friends drinking overpriced soya latte will be over!

Cycling in the Netherlands in the rain

Yes Anouk, 5 minutes at 600watts, ok I’ll be home in a minute


Catching up on Netflix on the way home will be banned

“Netflix and pedal” will be no more. I mean young Dutch people lead such busy lives, how are they expected to get the most out of their 10 euros a month Netflix subscriptions if they’re not allowed to watch shows while cycling home higher than a kite from a festival? Dat is niet eerlijk!/That’s not fair.


Cyclists will actually have to concentrate on the road

It’s a shocking development but yes, cyclists will actually have to look where they’re going while cycling. No more casual glances at the other bike lane users from time to time while telling your texting partner where you’d like to put your rookworst. It’s a victory for road safety, but a major blow for romantics everywhere. The days of your Tinder date arriving wetter than a package left out in the rain by a careless PostNL delivery guy will be over. Foreplay will actually have to take place in person! Zielig!

No romantics were hurt during the writing of this post