When one thinks of the English, there are various images that spring to mind. For example, James Bond, the archetypal English gentlemen come action man, or the aristocracy, as seen in Downton Abbey. Others might think of our love of alcohol, drunken fights in the street after closing time or women walking around in mini skirts in freezing conditions, these are but some of the common images that people have of my countrymen, which brings me to the subject of today’s post.
As part of the shallow man’s never-ending quest, to seek out and share experiences of life in the Netherlands to my ever-growing flock, I’ve reached out to a Dutch lady by the name of Florence Gielen, of Utrecht, a place I prefer to run through rather than stay. Florence had some forthright opinions of one of my articles, so I invited her to share one of her dating experiences. As if trying to ruffle the feathers of the perfectly dressed shallow man, she immediately started telling me about an experience she had in Amsterdam with an Englishman.
She certainly has some harsh words to say about one of my countrymen. If as a result, I’m hunted down by a group of angry Brits, wearing only thin shirts without jackets or coats in the middle of winter, while slurring their words due to drinking too much warm beer, I’ll look my tormentors in the eyes and shout a German phrase I learnt once “leck mich am arsch.” The things I do for my readers!
The shallow man will head to what he hopes will be a quiet lunch where he won’t sit next to a table of shouting Dutch Antelope. I’ll now hand over the page to Florence.
Dating mistakes made by men the three strikes of doom
London is hands down one of my favourite places in the world and I love a proper English gentleman as much as the next girl. Apart from their bad teeth and their limited height, they’re chic, polite, well dressed and eloquent. Brits are renowned for their dry sense of humour, and a handsome witty Londoner has certainly never disappointed.
A week or two ago my English girlfriend and I decided to have drinks in the cultural center of the Netherlands, Leidseplein in Amsterdam. Before too long we ran into a Brit who invited us to the club where he worked. He was meeting his brother there and he told us proudly that we’d be able to get free drinks. Although he was tall and good looking, his style was shall we say…….. questionable. His hair was like something from a nineties boy band. He also wore a wifebeater (I assume to show off his biceps), but his white pants were what bothered me the most. I usually have a 3-strikes-and-you’re-out system, but with a foreigner, I was willing to be more lenient. The outfit I could overlook.
We sat down in the VIP section of the club and he got us a drink. So far so good. We started talking and I noticed how nervous he seemed. Now, as a tall, blonde, blue-eyed antelope, I am used to foreign men being slightly intimidated by me. I made a remark to my friend about it, to which she replied: “He’s just a bit shy, bless him.” But this was too much. His hands were sweaty, he was mumbling and he couldn’t sit still. Not sexy. To an antelope, confidence is key.
In an attempt to make small talk this charming example of modern British manhood asked me how many people I’d slept with. Dumbfounded, I was unable to think of an appropriate response. So he broke the silence by offering his own estimation: “fifty?” My jaw nearly hit the floor. “Are you calling me a slut?” I asked him. In utter disbelief, I looked at my friend and she said: “No, in England guys think this is a compliment. He’s trying to tell you you’re an attractive girl and you could get some.” Fine, I was willing to stick around, but this was strike two.
The night went on and our glasses were empty. He offered us another drink and went to the bar. After a couple of minutes, he came back and said: “Would you mind paying for these? My manager is at the bar and is giving me a hard time.” Now, I’m a modern emancipated woman, but I do not expect to pay for drinks if I’m specifically invited somewhere with the promise of drinks on the house. Reluctantly I pulled out my wallet and handed him the cash. Who says chivalry is dead? This guy, apparently.
Willing to give him one more chance to impress me, we decided to stay a little longer. At this point, my friend was talking to the guy’s brother and our own conversation didn’t seem to be going too badly. All of a sudden he upped the ante. He leaned in and said with an air of confidence:
“You know what? You’re really hot, you have a great body and I wouldn’t mind fucking you.”
Needless to say, I was speechless. It even got my friend’s attention, who was deep in conversation at the time. She turned her head, looked at him and asked him: “Did you just say what I think you did?” Strike four…
Enough was enough, we were leaving. We made our excuses and grabbed our things. He gave my friend the typical Dutch goodbye, three kisses on the cheek. Ironic, as they are both English. As I walked up to him, he seemed very nervous again. I was expecting to get the same farewell and was surprised when he held out his hand. He edged closer, grabbed my hand and gave me a ‘bro shake’. Did I just get bro-zoned?! That’s strike five. Game over. Game definitely over.
The Shallow man would like to thank
The lovely Florence for sharing her experience with us. I had no idea that in the UK it’s a compliment to suggest that a lady has slept with lots of men, I’ve obviously been away for too long as I don’t understand how in the name of Bob Marley (God bless his Reggae soul) that this could ever be complimentary. Perhaps it’s a generational thing.
For more tips on how to date the Dutch Antelope, you’ll have to read The Shallow Man Guide to Dating the Dutch.
No boybands were hurt during the writing of this article.
Till next time, hou je Bek!
Simon, when is she coming back? I miss her posts. Don’t get me wrong, yours are funny and I enjoy your guestblogs as well. But you should bring this girl back!
Hahaha absotlutely hysterical. I’m glad you’re catering to your female audience as well now, Simon!
All I can say is keep hustling. But keep in mind, we all get what we deserve, no more, no less.
Hello! I’m glad you found my story entertaining. As for my response:
1. You’re implying there is such as thing as being too shallow 😉
2. I think it was supposed to be funny. But asking a girl (you’ve only just met) how many guys she’s slept with is wrong no matter how you put it, not to mention it’s extremely rude.
3. Come on, I should think that expecting a man to pay for a couple of drinks is hardly gold digger behavior. Would a gold digger have gone along with a guy dressed like this?
4. Hm, that’s interesting.. I hadn’t looked at it that way. I’ll keep it mind for the next time I turn someone down after they make a similar remark.
strong lolz.The guy in this story is a retard/noob (no doubting that) but let me analyze the actions of the lady
1. First strike on wearing white pants (I think you are right but some people might interpret your action as being too shallow,judgmental 😉
2. I am thinking that the guy wanted to ask that question in a flirtatious manner (which is stupid because most people can’t pull this off easily). But I think he touched a nerve :P. Our lady friend , let’s say is an ”empowered” woman.
3. Generally, women hate paying for things (even though they claim otherwise). Of course, open bar raised your expectations (which actually indicates that free booze was a major reason you went there. Alarm bells ringing. Ahem ahem gold……!!)
4.Guy played a high risk-high reward move. Requires some serious balls. he had already screwed up and he knew it so he went all out because this move sometimes works. Our lady friend didn’t take the bait which is her choice but she shouldn’t feel outraged because men think in terms of costs-benefit. In this case, the benefits of asking outweighed costs so it shouldn’t hurt your empowered soul.
Please, Simon can you ask the lady to reply. Would be eternally grateful 😛
Love the article. Sounds familiar…
Dutch girls are sluts… arent they? ^^^… Maybe it is just my experience but I never met a dutch girl around 18 yo who had less than 7 sex adventure with strangers…
Franky, I think you might be confusing pornography with real life. I doubt very much if any Dutch girl of any age is going to sit down and tell you about her sexual adventures with strangers. Calling women sluts is really not on. If you’re not having any luck with Dutch girls, perhaps an attitude adjustment is required.
I suspect this guy is trolling. maybe he identifies with the antagonist of the article and feels the need to lash out. Either way, anyone with half a brain knows that comment was utter nonsense.
He didn’t, by any chance, tell you that he spoke Spanish, his brother spoke German, he was the bouncer at this club and his name began with D? Only I think I know his girlfriend…. and the wifebeater is the way he shows off his over sized arms. Oversized arms that I can only assume are used as a method to distract from his hair.
I love where this is going.
Hi, according to Florence, some locations in this story were changed to protect the guilty. Also the brother in question could barely speak English let alone another language 🙂 the story took place in another famous square in Amsterdam. We’ll say no more
I read this as a reason to wear wifebeaters. He obviously got that many strikes because of the biceps.