The Shallow Man gives up. Being polite and considerate in Amsterdam is a sign of weakness, sure to get you labelled as a stupid foreigner. My inburgering into the ways of Amsterdam society is complete. From today onwards I’m going to behave like a typical Amsterdammer and be asocial. It’s about time too. The tips I’m publishing are top secret, and the Dutch culture protection society will probably send a group of hot pants and white leggings wearing assassins to deal with the Shallow Man. Finally. The things I do for my readers!
How to be asocial and fit into Amsterdam like a gypsy child through a cat flap
1. Cycle at night without lights
Do this and then give the stink finger to any cars that almost hit you as they can’t see you.
2. React to the chronic shortage of bins in Amsterdam
Throw the remains of your smoked cigarette on the pavement. You have to walk at least three or four minutes to find a bin, why bother?
3. Ride your scooter at high speed over speed bumps, on the pavement or anywhere else you Goddamn please
The streets belong to you. If you’re going to be using a scooter a lot, make sure that you start buying jeans one or two sizes larger as your bottom will soon start spreading, like the legs of a liberated lady that uses tinder too often.
4. Buy the biggest Bugaboo buggy you can find
Then start leaving the bloody thing where people can trip over it and break their necks. Shake your head and give evil looks to people in cafes that ask you to move your buggy so that they can:
a. Leave the cafe
b. Go to the toilet
c. Get to a table to sit down
d. Get up and pay the bill as staff in lots of cafes in Amsterdam leave you waiting and waiting and waiting to pay!
5. Double park your car in the street
You’re only visiting your friends/family/lover etc for forty five minutes, what’s the problem? The hazard lights are on. You’ll be right back! Come out of your friends house with a face that’s as red as an Englishman that’s been drinking all night then spent the day at the beach. Wave your hands in the air and shout SORRY HOOR!!!
6. Exercise is overrated
Mobile phone contracts also cost a bloody fortune, so when you are meeting a friend and you’ve arrived in your car, park (preferably double park) and beep the horn several times to get your friends attention and that of everyone who has the misfortune to live in the vicinity of your friend. It’s seven am, so what? People should be getting ready for work (even on a Sunday).
7. You’ve had a great night out with your girlfriends
While cycling home at four am, shout loudly about what a great time you’ve had. Take shortcuts through quiet streets and make sure the entire neighborhood knows that you finally got Jeroen’s telephone number while his girlfriend went to the loo.
8. The journey to the bike stand is a hazardous one
So you’ve ridden ten kilometers from the office to home, along roads and bike paths, but the last two minutes of the journey MUST take place on the pavement, the road has suddenly become far too dangerous. Much more convenient to ride on the pavement. Don’t forget to check your status on tinder and your text messages. If any kids are on the pavement they should get out the way.
9. Take your man eating cross between a Pit Bull and a Siberian panther
To parks or the Amsterdamse Bos and let that evil, aggressive beast from hell (your girlfriend) who is covered in tattoos, allow it to run free, near children and incredibly handsome and super fit runners. If anyone expresses their concerns about this, shrug your shoulders and say “if you’re afraid of dogs don’t run in the park.”
To be even more asocial, tie your killer dog up right in front of the local supermarket and watch as people decide to go shopping elsewhere, rather than risk being mauled by your dog.
10. Leave all of your windows open, have no curtains
Then make loud and passionate love. This is especially handy if you live on the ground floor. Complain about the amounts of vomit in front of your window as people have had the misfortune to see you performing.
If you follow all of the tips above, you will truly have reached a new level of integration in Amsterdam society. Doe maar!
The PvdD were not hurt during the writing of this post.
Join the Shallow Man doe maar gewoon normaal comedy and fine dining evening on July 10th in Amsterdam.