How to be anti-social in Amsterdam

A rabbit walks into a bar, sits on a bar stool and orders a  bacon toastie. It wolfs it down rapidly then orders a ham and cheese toastie. A few minutes later it falls on the floor. When helped up he says “sorry, I shouldn’t mix a me toasties“. That appalling joke has absolutely nothing to do with the subject of today’s post.

So two days after a historic victory by the Dutch team against Spain, and a day after another disappointing performance by England, the Shallow Man fresh from a ninety minute run along the Amstel has decided to once again put pen to paper to advise more ways on how to be anti-social.

1. Park your bike or scooter across the footpaths along the Amstel

Runners should look where the hell they are going and upon seeing your scooter or bike run into the road. It’s convenient for me to block the path so I don’t have to walk too far once I’ve finished sunbathing.

2. Try and beat pedestrians to zebra crossings

My life is so busy and I’m so important that I can’t wait for the fifteen to thirty seconds it might take for a pedestrian to go over the crossing. Instead, every time I see a pedestrian, I regard it as a personal challenge and a test of my abilities as a driver, so I can be found impatiently revving my engine if a pedestrian has the temerity to step onto a zebra crossing and keep me waiting. Even better, if there’s enough time, I put the foot down on the accelerator and attempt to intimidate people into staying on the pavement. Doe maar normaal and wait for me to drive past. Ik ben lekker bezig hoor!

3. Leap over other customers to push into the front of queues

Yesterday the Shallow Man went to his favourite Poulier on the corner of Maasstraat and  Churchilllaan. Being the polite person that I am, and considering how busy it was, in order to allow two customers to leave, I stepped out of the store. Upon returning, a woman who looked as if she’d recently swallowed a small child, followed by fifteen Pizza’s (from Domino’s of course) and took up half the space in the store, displayed some well-hidden athleticism by hoisting her considerable bulk between myself and another customer and shouted “IK BEN AAN DE BUURT!” For once, the Shallow Man was actually lost for words at the bloody cheek displayed by this stand-in for a hippopotamus. As I was still in a great mood from the historical victory of the Dutch team the previous night, I let it slide and allowed her to buy enough meat to feed a small school. Karma will get her soon for her anti-social behaviour I’m sure.

There was no stopping Oma Van Wenig Geduld at the supermarket

There was no stopping Oma Van Wenig Geduld at the supermarket


4. Let your dog crap anywhere!

I know that Amsterdam is a city of dog lovers. I witness this on a daily basis as there are dog faeces all over. So you own a dog, but you’re too lazy to walk it properly. Instead, you take it just far enough away from your house so that it can crap in front of other peoples apartments, or better still to the only piece of grass in the neighbourhood, that actually has a huge sign saying “don’t let your dog poop here, children play here.” But not your children right? So it’s ok, let your dog crap where it pleases, as long as it’s not too close to your house. They say dogs look like their owners, well if you let your dog crap randomly in the street and don’t clean it up, your dear sir/madam are less civilised than your pet. In fact, I’m sure that your animal feels embarrassed to be seen with you in public.

5. Keep chatting or texting on your smartphone in shops

While the cashier is serving you. These people are not important, they have menial jobs, so why not show them how little they are worth to you by continuing your telephone conversation even when the cashier is trying to ask you questions. Lekker asocial!

No cashiers were hurt during the writing of this post.