Survey Results Do Expats Cycle Like the Dutch?

Inburgering or integration can take on many forms, but for me, an important indicator of how well foreigners have integrated into Dutch society is undoubtedly their cycling habits. With this in mind, the Shallow Man put together a survey to see if expats cycle like the Dutch. At the time of writing this post, two thousand four hundred and sixty-six people have responded, which is quite a large sample.

So without further prevarication, here are the results of my incredibly serious and academic survey on the cycling behavior of expats.

The things I do for my readers!

1.  Do you wear a crash helmet while cycling?

I started the survey with this question because nothing screams out “I’M A FOREIGNER” more than wearing a crash helmet while riding a bike in the Netherlands. Excluding, of course, the groups of asociaal racing bike riders who feel that they are participating in the Tour de France when they are in fact overtaking ordinary cyclists at high speed on narrow bike lanes. (rant over).

The majority of Expats cycle like the Dutch by not wearing crash helmets

Whenever I see a cyclist wearing a crash helmet, I have to fight the urge to say “do you like it here in Holland?” Because surely, only expats would feel it necessary to wear such a thing. I’m pleased to see that 97% of respondents are like the Shallow Man and don’t bother with a crash helmet. Speaking only for myself, of course,  I tend to cycle so slowly that if I was to fall off my bike, I’m sure it wouldn’t do my head any damage at all.

2. Eyes wide shut!

Have you ever done any of the following activities while on a bike?

76% of you text while cycling, or are incredibly busy arguing with your partners. Some of you hotblooded young things can’t wait to get to your destination and begin sexual foreplay while on your bikes. That explains why so many people put shopping bags on their bike seats, to keep them dry while sexting.

Cycling like the Dutch involves texting while cycling

Guess which bike belongs to a serial sexter

The Shallow Man is used to seeing people engrossed with their phones and not paying attention to the road while cycling.  However, I must admit the news that some of you read Ebooks and watch Netflix while cycling was a surprise.  I hope that those of that do this are well insured as I have the feeling that you’re not long for this world.

3. I am the most important being in the universe!

I asked the following:

“You want to park your bike, but the nearby bike racks are full what do you do?”

Expats don't behave like the Dutch

I’m pleased to see that in this case, the majority of expats don’t behave like Amsterdammers. However many of you are adopting local norms and parking your bikes in the most inconvenient manner (to other cyclists) possible.

4. Met mij gaat het altijd goed

I asked, “have you ever cycled while drunk?”

Based on the results I should have asked, “have you ever cycled while sober?”

5. Public displays of affection while cycling


Leuk (where’s the sick bucket?)


Ahhhhh. All those sweet couples cycling hand in hand with not a care in the world. Wat leuk! It’s heartwarming to see that so many expats are behaving just like the Dutch while cycling.

6. Time waits for no man (or woman)

If you’re a pedestrian, particularly in Amsterdam, you won’t be surprised to know that expats have adopted the local normen en waarden and won’t stop even if the laws of the road say that they should. It’s nice to know that like myself, that there some that do stop for pedestrians. If an expat stops to allow you to cross, it might be due to you being incredibly attractive.

7. The advantages of teeth bleaching

One of the advantages of having your teeth bleached in the Netherlands is that it will save you a fortune on bike lights. It’s clear that the majority of respondents have adopted the locally preferred behavior of cycling around at night without lights on their bikes. When cycling home at night, I feel somewhat embarrassed to be one of the only people in Amsterdam that have lights that actually work. Kudos to those of you that are neither dumb nor suicidal and use lights at night.

8. The logic of buying stolen bikes

The majority of respondents have never bought a stolen bike, but many of you have. Bike theft relies on supply and demand. If there were no drunken people buying stolen bikes from junkies at night, they’d be less inclined to steal them.

9.  Hard headed kids

You have young children on your bike, would you make them wear crash helmets?

Just like the Dutch, the majority of expats believe crash helmets to be a waste of money. After all, when on a bike with kids what could possibly go wrong?

Dating a Dutchman was a bit of a shock for the expat lady


Inburgering gelukt

Geert Wilders will I’m sure be pleased to know that the majority of expats are incredibly well integrated and have adopted Dutch cycling normen en waarden. Expats it appears commit all of the deadly sins of cycling.

The majority of expats cycle like the Dutch


No pedestrians were hurt during the writing of this post.

To take part in the cycling survey click here

Till next time, rot op met je quinoa!