The Shallow Man provides Femke Halsema, Mayor of Amsterdam, with some much-needed advice on how to reduce tourism in Amsterdam

Five ways to reduce tourism in Amsterdam

Dear Femke,

As the good people of the Netherlands allow me to vote in your local elections, I feel that I have the right to provide you with some direct and unsolicited advice. (How Dutch of me 😉 )

It’s very clear that you have an incredibly provinciaal mindset. Goed zo meid! You appear determined to turn Amsterdam into some dull as-dishwater village in het platteland. Well, here are five ways to do that easily. No need to thank me.

1. Restrict Access To Coffeshops to Dutch Speakers only

Of course, you’ve already partially suggested this, and I wholeheartedly agree. If tourists realise that they won’t be able to buy weed legally in coffee shops, that will stop them from visiting Amsterdam. Absolutely! They definitely won’t come here and buy drugs from entrepreneurial young men in tracksuits and hoodies hanging around the streets of Amsterdam with their lovely well-trained pit bulls saying, “pssst, pssst, you want to buy some coke?”.

It’s a good start. However, you’re not being ambitious enough. What about all the kut expats who only choose to live in Amsterdam to have access to ganja seven days a week? I have the solution. After showing their IDs, they’ll need to pronounce the following four phrases in perfect Dutch.

  • schreeuwen
  • onafhankelijk
  • bestuursrechtspraak
  • glijmiddel

Obviously, most will fail and will probably rot op back to their own kut countries pretty damn quickly.

Force tourists to learn Dutch

2. Set KPIs for usage time in the Red Light District

It’s well-known that many tourists partaking in the services on offer in the red light district don’t last longer than three minutes. Set a minimum performance target of 25 minutes for the horizontal samba. Also, increase the prices accordingly.

No, it’s a tourist leaving an Amsterdam red light district room less than 3 minutes after he entered (in more ways than one)

3. Relocate the Red Light District

It has been suggested to move the red light areas in Amsterdam to Purmerend, Hoofddorp or Tilburg. Indeed, they’re all soul-destroying, desolate places, but I have an even better idea. Move the red light district but don’t publicise where. Turn it into a kind of treasure hunt. Let the tourists walk this flat (but beautiful) city aimlessly, looking for somewhere to dip their wicks. Word will quickly spread online that Amsterdam has prostitution, but it’s so well hidden that all you’ll leave with are blue balls.

I visited Amsterdam and all I left with were

4. Ban tourists from using E-bikes

I was appalled to see that it’s now possible for tourists to rent E-bikes. Let them use old-fashioned pushbikes to get around. The terror of being overtaken at high speed by anti-social types on fat bikes and Van Moofs should put them off visiting Amsterdam again.

5. Forbid Tourists From Staying in Airbnb/ rentals and Hostels

Let the tourists experience the expensive reality of life in Amsterdam. Have them stay in a hotel instead of an Airbnb rental and be milked like dairy cows connected to an industrial milking machine.

By banning tourists from staying in hostels, the “let’s go to Amsterdam for our stag night/hen night weekend, smoke vast amounts of weed, drink, puke, shag hookers and walk around half naked in the middle of winter” class of tourists will avoid this city like a Dutch woman avoids a stylist.

Femke, if you implement my suggestions, Amsterdam will be tourist free. The locals will be happy and you’ll be reelected. Where do I send the invoice?

No straat dealers with pit bulls were hurt during the writing of this post.