The city council of Amsterdam has announced a “stay away” advertising campaign that will run in the UK to discourage British men from visiting.

Speaking as a Brit that has lived in Amsterdam for almost twenty years, I feel that I’m suitably qualified to advise my countrymen on why they should definitely stay away from Amsterdam!

1. They Speak Dutch here

Believe it or not, Amsterdam is full of people who speak……………Dutch! There was a time when the locals were happy to patronise English speakers with their self-perceived flawless grasp of the English language. Indeed, it wasn’t uncommon for Dutch people to correct the English of native speakers. Unfortunately, there has been a backlash against all the shops and cafes where the staff don’t speak Dutch. This has led to lots of Dutch people refusing to engage in English even if they believe that they can speak it better than wot you do innit?

So unless you’re prepared to learn some Nederlands (Dutch) prior to coming here for your stag/shag/wacky baccy weekend, doe het niet!!!!

It’s not an easy language to learn!
learning dutch conundrum

2. The Netherlands is where cuisine goes to die

Another reason British people should stay away from Amsterdam is the food! Gadverdamme! Yes, you’re coming from the land of mushy peas and chips and deep-fried Mars bars. However, no matter how many cravings you get for food following the consumption of coffee shop organic products, be aware of some of the food that is normal here. Also, you should know that flavour and seasoning are strictly optional when it comes to Dutch food.

dutch stamppot
It tastes worse than it looks.
The Dutch love stamppot
Dutch croquettes on bread

3. If you get injured by a bike, then you’re financially liable

You probably didn’t know this, but unlike the UK, where cyclists are basically pariahs on two wheels, in the Netherlands, they have more rights than other road users, including pedestrians.

E-bikes are as common here as fights outside British pubs after closing time. If, while partying in Amsterdam, you’re hit by an e-bike while staggering around high as a kite. You will be personally liable for any damage caused to the bike that hit you. There are many cyclists zooming along the bike lanes here at high speeds, and they don’t give a stroopwafel about pedestrians. With e-bikes costing 2000 euros or more, your weekend might be more expensive than you planned.

The four e-bikes of the Apocalypse

urban arrow e-bike
vanmoof x3 e-bike

4. The Dutch are very conservative, and the way Brits dress upsets them

The British tradition of dressing up for fun weekend visits to Amsterdam upsets the locals.

5. Don’t go where you’re not wanted

The ultimate reason to stay away is that Amsterdam city council doesn’t want you to visit the city if you’re likely to spend time in coffee shops and the red light district.

You’re the wrong kind of tourist. They seriously want you to stay in the UK. Visit Spain or Berlin. The council is now run by a bunch of middle-class nimbies that want to convert Amsterdam into a sleepy village. The fact that they’ve approved the opening of god knows how many budget hotels and hostels in the city center is irrelevant. They want Amsterdam to be visited by people like themselves. If you’re a working-class British male looking to have a wild time in Amsterdam, it’s no longer the city for you. If, however, your plan is to stay in a four or five-star hotel, eat out at fancy restaurants and visit a museum or two, then, of course, you and your money are welcome to visit. Otherwise, stay home and destroy your own city with your vulgar behaviour.

No budget hotel tourists were hurt during the writing of this post.