Recently the Shallow Man received an anonymous package, a headless teddy bear. I was puzzled why anyone would send me such a thing, when at the store where I opened the parcel, there was suddenly a blood curdling scream. I turned to see an hysterical looking woman, who shouted “you’ve upset the mamas of Amsterdam, that’s their calling card, you’re in trouble, so much trouble”.

So it seems that a few comments made by the Shallow Man in jest about their wonderful organisation, that everyone knows is the backbone of modern society in Amsterdam, has made the Shallow Man well dressed enemy number one of this group. The Mamas of Amsterdam are also sometimes known as the cosy nostra. The Shallow Man already spends his days freezing in terror every time he sees smug looking women with double buggies, or with a bakfiets, but I have to admit that I enjoy living dangerously, which brings me to the subject of today’s post, Seven dangerous things to do in Amsterdam.

Now this post might upset some, and if as a result, I’m surrounded by a group of uber aggressive not so yummy mummies, and am forced to listen to a lecture of why expat mamas are the new urban feminists,. I’ll say to my enemies “yeah I agree with you, it’s really a powerful feminist statement spending your days sitting on your bottoms drinking skinny latte, while your husbands go out to work and bring home most of the money”.

The things I do for my readers!

Seven dangerous things to do in Amsterdam

1. Visit a Shisha lounge

Option 1

If you want to do something dangerous in Amsterdam, the Shallow Man suggests spending your evenings smoking a waterpipe in one of the many lovely shisha establishments that Amsterdam has to offer. An eighty minute session on the pipe is the equivalent of smoking a hundred cigarettes. I expect that after publishing this article that the lounges will be flooded by lots of Dutch women, desperate to get their nicotine high in the most efficient way possible. If you spend enough time with the water pipe, then it’s only a matter of time before the grim reaper will be paying you a visit.

Option 2

If you’re the thrill seeking type, then just visit shisha lounges on a daily basis, at some point you’re bound to get caught up in the shootings that occur at such places regularly.

Noortje was so addicted to the waterpipe that she didn’t shave for days

2. Use zebra crossings

Just wait for a car to appear within sight and then step onto the crossing, the odds of you making it across in one piece are extremely low.

3. Eat Doner Kebab seven nights in a row

There’s more bacteria on the average kebab, than desperate women on Tinder, pretending that they’re not looking for one night stands.

The ultimate social gathering for thousands of friendly bacteria

4. Visit a Zwarte Piet intocht

Go and visit the opening ceremony for Sinterklaas arriving in Amsterdam this year. Wear a t shirt that says ‘Zwarte Piet is an insult to black people’. I guarantee that lots of ‘tolerant’ Dutch people will be out to kill you. If you survive, it will be one of the most dangerous things you’ve ever done.

The Dutch lion chased the Zwarte Piet protester into the waiting jaws of Anouk

5. Take photos in the Red Light district

Walk around any Amsterdam red light district, with an SLR camera with a huge lens. Snap away to your hearts content. When a baseball bat wielding hells angel appears, run for your life.

6. Drive a black Range Rover

The staff and bosses of crime syndicates in Amsterdam drive Range Rovers, usually the Range Rover sport. Drive such a car around Amsterdam long enough and it’s only a matter of time before someone will start shooting at you. Oh the thrill of a car chase and the sweet sound of automatic gunfire.

7. Upset the Mamas of Amsterdam

These women are the power behind the power. Make jokes about their husbands getting intimate with the au pair hired by the Mama, who is too busy to spend time with her own kids, because sitting in cafes drinking latte, and boring people to death about their radical feminism is far higher on their priority list. This is probably the most dangerous thing you can do in Amsterdam.

No clapped out members of mamas groups were hurt during the writing of this post.

Join the Shallow Man at the back to the eighties after work party at Mystique in Amsterdam today.  The owner is an ex-Dutch Special Forces guy, so I’d advise my enemies not to try anything 😉

Coming soon…Dating in Amsterdam

 The Shallow Man Guide to Dating the Dutch

The ultimate dating guide