Valentine’s Day in Amsterdam

According to the Independent, Amsterdam is allegedly the most romantic city in Europe.  In an article written by someone that obviously doesn’t actually live in the Netherlands, they talk about the joys of spending a romantic lost weekend in Amsterdam. With that in mind, I’ve put together my own guide on romantic things to do on Valentine’s day in Amsterdam.

The things I do for my readers!

1. Walk hand in hand around the dog poo

What better way to spend Valentine’s day in Amsterdam than walking hand in hand skipping over dog poo? Wat leuk! You can smile and laugh with your partner while dancing nimbly around the dog poop left by people that have better things to do than clean up after their pets.  After all, that’s what they pay their city taxes for.

Some European cities have started taking DNA samples of all registered dogs. This way, when an irresponsible dog owner lets their dog poo in a public place without cleaning up after them, they receive a fine in the post.

Such a policy would never happen in Amsterdam, a city full of yuppies who are far too busy to clean up after their dogs. In fact, dogs are essential to Amsterdam’s economy as many service businesses have sprung up looking after every possible thing a lovely doggy could possibly need. Some of the service businesses for dog owners include:

• Dog walking services, which are fabulous and essential. I used to live opposite a patch of land with grass, and it was so sweet watching the dog walking vans pull up with a pack of happy canines who ran around on the grass doing their business.
• Dog makeover services to give man’s best friend an extra boost of confidence when forced to mix with upmarket canines
• Dog psychologists for those four-legged friends that are finding life in Amsterdam a little ruff
• Dog dating apps for lonely and selective dogs and their owners (This one made me paws for thought).

2. Hire bikes and cycle together

When in Amsterdam some of the best ways to see the city are:

• Take a taxi from one of the wonderfully friendly chaps waiting on the concourse at Schiphol. They’ll drive you all over town, whether you ask them to or not
• Hire a bike with your partner and cycle hand in hand

There’s nothing more romantic than being on a bike in Amsterdam together with the one you lust after love. Behave just like the locals by holding hands while cycling. Ignore the cries of “kijk uit je domme lul”, that’s just local Amsterdammers being friendly and wishing you a lovely Valentine’s day in Amsterdam. Just remember that red traffic lights in Amsterdam mean, ‘go,go,go!’ So don’t whatever you do stop. This will earn you lots friendly waves from car drivers. The waving of a single finger in Amsterdam is actually a compliment.

3. Go on an Amsterdam canal boat tour

Nothing says “I love you”, more than taking your partner on one of the numerous Amsterdam canal tours. If you’re a bit classy, you can take one of the tours that provide lunch included in the price. Your partner will be delighted as you hold her head back and drop a piece of raw herring down her throat. She’ll love the Dutch bitterballen, and by the time the vlaflip is served she’ll be desperate to get you back to the hotel room for some much-needed aerobic activities.

The memories of food poisoning will stay with you forever.

4. Sit on a bench in the Jordaan area of Amsterdam

It’s Valentine’s day, you’re in Amsterdam. Do something incredibly original and romantic such as finding the bench used in the film the fault is in our stars.

If you fail to find the actual bench, don’t worry about it. Residents of the Jordaan area of Amsterdam love nothing more than when tourists sit on the steps outside their homes. Light up a joint while you’re at it, or even better, if it’s six PM,  stand outside and take selfies of the two of you in front of some actual Amsterdam residents having dinner at home. Ask them to sit still while taking the pictures.

 

5. Take a walk along the canal streets

Lots of tourists and expats love the Amsterdam canal streets, and why wouldn’t they? There’s nothing more romantic than strolling along one of the nine streets, stepping over the bodies of stoned tourists. Hold your nose as drunken British visitors regard the canals as an open-air toilet. Do make sure that you walk in the middle of the road. If you see something you like, stop right where you are and take a photo. Enjoy admiring the 16th-century canal houses, many of which have more mice running around than a typical Dutch supermarket.

 

6. Visit the red light district

Of course, you have to visit the famous red light district. Do some research, and then as you take your partner past some of the hard-working entrepreneurs on display in the windows,  you can charm your man by saying, “do you know they charge 55 euros for their services? But to sleep with you they’d probably charge a lot more”.

If you’re feeling really adventurous remember that the couple that plays together, stays together.

 

7. Have a romantic meal

Go to a local eetcafe. Service in Amsterdam can be a little slow, so make sure that you have plenty of good ebooks loaded on your smartphone. I’d also suggest bringing a warm coat and a comfortable cushion as you could be there for some time and cafes in the city are often as cold as a Dutchwoman’s ankles in winter.

 

Have a wonderful Valentine’s day in Amsterdam.

No romantic couples were hurt during the writing of this post.

For more goodies check out the Amsterdam Shallow Man Facebook Group.