Are you becoming Dutch? Take this test and find out.
A common question the Shallow Man is often asked by Dutch people once they realize how long I’ve lived in the Netherlands is, “do you feel Dutch?” If an attractive woman asks me this then my response is usually, “well if you allow me, I’ll be happy to feel you, where would you like me to start?”
In terms of ‘feeling Dutch’, I’ve lived in the Netherlands for over ten years and can’t say that I feel particularly Dutch. I’m not even sure what that means. However, I’ve met a number of expats who probably don’t realize that they are more Dutch than they might believe. Which brings me to the subject of today’s post. Tell tale signs that you’re becoming Dutch.
Now this post might upset some, and if as a result I’m rounded up by a group of angry Dutch locals and am forced to spend a weekend in a caravan in France, while only being allowed to eat Dutch food that my enemies have brought with them, I’ll say to my detractors, “Dutch food is like illegal immigrants caught hiding in lorries on their way to the UK from Calais, it doesn’t travel well.”
In order to help those of you that might not realize that you’re becoming Dutch, I’ve created a multiple choice questionnaire. Please answer the questions honestly to see how Dutch you are.
The things I do for my readers!
Are you becoming Dutch?
1. Are you considering buying a deep fat fryer?
- No. I’m a health nut I wouldn’t have one in the house
- Damn right I am, in fact, can you recommend a good one?
- I only eat fried food once in awhile so no
- Who doesn’t have a deep fat fryer?
2. It’s incredibly hot outside when having sex with your partner at home which of the following sounds like you?
- I keep the windows open but turn up the TV or put on music so that my neighbors won’t hear anything
- Open every window in the apartment, then while making jiggy jiggy shout “ANOUK, ANOUK, NOG EEN KEER, JA DAT IS GEIL!”
- We only have sex on rainy days (so most of the time actually)
- Wait until you think the neighbors have gone to sleep and use the communal roof terrace while making enough noise to wake the dead. Don’t bother cleaning up the mess afterward. (True story)
3. Where is the strangest place you’ve ever had sex?
- The living room
- The Cooldown Cafe or Cafe Bubbels
- On a bike
4. (For women) It’s a hot day and you’re going to cycle what do you wear?
- A pair of shorts or a long skirt
- You look for the shortest mini skirt you can find and compliment this with a skimpy g-string
- You wear trousers
- You wear a hockey skirt and granny panties
5. (For women) You’re in a bar with friends and you see the man of your dreams. What do you do?
- Smile and hope that he comes over and talks to you
- Run over to where he’s standing and push and elbow any women nearby out of the way. You then interrogate him and force him to hand over his phone number, connect with you on Facebook, send you a text to confirm his number and demand that he provides GPS coordinates for his home address
- You play with your hair, look at him, look away then look at him again
- You yell across the bar, “hey you’re a hot lion, come and join me and my MARRIED friends.”
6. You’re cycling on the pavement when you almost collide with someone that’s just stepped out of their home. How do you react?
- Apologise profusely
- Shout “hey hufter, I almost ran into you. You should look and check that the coast is clear before leaving your house, idiot!!!
- Cycle away quickly and hope they’re not a fast runner
- Refuse to accept that you’re in the wrong, and threaten to call the police
7. It’s your birthday, how do you celebrate?
- I can’t remember, but it always involves lots of booze
- I invite family and close friends round at six pm. Have them sit in a circle while they congratulate me, my girlfriend and my parents. I serve them crisps and stale cheese cubes, and soft drinks and coffee. Use the word ‘gezellig’ a lot and then kick them out at eight pm
- Go out for a nice meal with friends that I pay for
- Invite friends to dinner then spend an hour calculating exactly what each person had to eat and drink so that the bill can be split precisely
8. You’ve been out drinking with a lovely young lady. She has a bike and suggests that the two of you head to her place.
- Being a gentleman you cycle while she sits on the back of the bike
- Let her cycle, while you sit comfortably on the back of the bike texting your friends “het is gelukt”
- You let her cycle home and you take a taxi or public transport to her place
- You steal an unlocked bike and cycle home holding hands with her. That you’re blocking the bike path is irrelevant, you’re in lust
9. Which of the following make an ideal second date?
- Take your partner for cocktails on the terrace of a Grand hotel in Amsterdam.
- A romantic meal of bitterballen, frites and beer followed by an invite to your bedroom
- A glorious meal &Samhoud Places Streetfood or a Michelin star meal at Bridges
- Meet in the Amsterdamse Bos for a quickie
10. You find a ten euro note on the street, how do you react?
- Hand it into a police station
- Yell out at the top of your voice, “hup hup Holland!” Take a photo of your valuable find, then post it all over social media and spend the rest of the month in a great mood
- Donate the money to charity
- Call your partner, tell them that you’re going to celebrate, and then spend the money on five quality bottles of wine
11. You see a woman wearing almost no makeup on the tram, what goes through your mind?
- You start humming the theme tune to Ghostbusters
- She’s the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen, you have to have her
- You consider asking the tram driver to stop and call an ambulance as she looks so pale
- You wish more women would opt for the natural look as it’s very attractive
13. You’re invited to a wedding that has a strict formal dress code, how do you react?
- Not a problem, you always wear suits or dresses to weddings
- You demand that they “doe maar normaal!” they’re getting married in the Netherlands and should allow you to wear whatever you feel like. What is wrong with wearing denim hot pants, a leopard skin pattern top, and Doctor Martin boots?
- You ask for some clarification of the dress code to ensure that you wear the right outfit
- You ignore the dress code and turn up wearing jeans, they should accept you as you are
How did you do?
If you answered mainly with one’s and three’s then you’re probably from the UK or some other uptight country. You really need to loosen up.
For those of you that chose two’s and four’s gefeliciteerd! Invite all of your friends to a barbecue in a park. Tell them that they have to bring their own food and drink, then when it’s over leave a huge mess behind you that someone else will have to clean up. You should tear up your current passport and demand a Dutch one, integratie gelukt! you’ve been assimilated. Success!!!
No Lithuanians were hurt during the writing of this post.
Till next time, hou je bek!