Amsterdam Confessions of a Shallow Man Life in the Netherlands through the eyes of a sarcastic expat 
Five differences between Dutch and British girls
The Shallow Man when commenting on the fashion sense of the Dutch often receives comments like the one below.
“Shallow Man, being from the UK how dare you comment about the way the Dutch dress? You should look at the state of British girls before making jokes about us Dutch women”
I assume that the purpose of making such comments is to reduce me to tears by taking a swipe at people from the country of my birth. Such messages leave me as cold as a Dutchman’s apartment in the middle of winter.
There are many differences between Dutch and British girls, which brings me to the subject of today’s post.
For the purposes of this piece I will yet again generalise (somewhat) and I’ll focus on the ladies of both countries of whom I know well.
Don’t shoot the exceptionally well dressed messenger. Freedom of speech is allowed in both the UK and the Netherlands.
1. Hen night/vrijgezellenfeest
Forget all the nonsense about taking the Dutch civic exam and attending integration courses. The best way to learn about any culture is to witness how they celebrate getting married. The major differences between Dutch and British girls can be seen in the traditional British hen night and the Dutch vrijgezellenfeest.
The British Hen Night
When a group of British women get together to celebrate the imminent marriage of one of their friends, the following often occurs:
- Grown men burst into tears
- Battle hardened army veterans run screaming in terror from bars frequented by such women
- The air is turned blue with swearing, screaming and shouting
- Innocent men are groped by drunken women
- ‘funny’ costumes are often worn by the ladies, in fact if there are three of them together one could point at them and say ‘let me guess what you’re dressed as, ho, ho, ho’.
Vast amounts of alcohol is consumed often accompanied with the emptying of stomach contents onto a busy street or into the handbag of a close friend. A really fabulous hen night ends with at least one of the group in a police cell, and the bride to be impregnated by a complete stranger.
The Dutch vrouwen vrijgezellenfeest
When Dutch women decide to celebrate the marriage of one of their meisjes, it’s a thrilling and exciting affair. In fact, if as an expat lady, you’re invited to attend such an event, (don’t hold your breath as it probably won’t happen) then standby for excitement!
What’s important for a Dutch hen party is that it’s gezellig and leuk. This is achieved by organising one of the following lovely events:
1. High Tea
What can be more thrilling than getting a group of ladies together and having an authentic high tea? There are event organisers up and down the country that will charge 39 Euros per person for the pleasure of showing ladies how to prepare a high tea themselves. Leuk! If you have high blood pressure or a weak heart, I’d suggest that you decline the invitation to such an event as the excitement might kill you.
2. Glamour photoshoot
Extremely popular with meisjes from the provinces is the glamour photoshoot event. At this workshop, Dutch girls who have never worn heels, skirts or makeup before, get to learn how to look feminine. Followed by a photo shoot to prove it. Thirty years from now Mariska will tell her children “I remember the only time in my life that I wore makeup and a skirt, and I have photos to prove it.”
The women do have to sign a disclaimer that if they fall over and break their necks while wearing heels for the first time that the organisers can’t be held in anyway responsible.
3. Pole Dancing workshop
Time for the ladies to let go of their inhibitions and do something wild. Anouk has been on a pole before, after one repainted her apartment, but pole dancing is something new. It’s a chance for the meisjes to be wild and learn how to do something echt sexy hoor! Having witnessed such an event once, the Shallow Man can confirm that the sight of a pair of Ugg boots wrapped round a pole is quite an arousing sight indeed.
4. Dildo making workshop
The friends of the bride to be have probably slept with the groom already, so have a clear idea if his sexual prowess will live up to expectations. When this isn’t the case, the meisjes get together and arrange a dildo making workshop. It’s lots of fun, and will be useful for the bride on those nights when the smartphone might not be working and she can’t arrange a bit of temporary relief.
2. Feminism
British girls
British girls believe that feminism involves the following:
- Sleeping with as many men as possible while on holiday in Spain to prove how ‘liberated’ they are, after all men would do the same if they could.
- Getting pregnant while still at school
- Waking up with complete strangers after having consumed enough alcopops to kill a sailor
Dutch girls
Dutch women are the most liberated women in the world. I know this to be the case as they say this all the time, therefore it has to be true. There’s no point disagreeing with them or pointing to the fact that only 42% of British women work part time as opposed to 76% of the Dutch. Financial independence has nothing to do with feminism. What’s important is that you can shout in a loud voice about how liberated you feel compared to women in other countries.
3. Style
British girls
British girls are natural optimists and believe that being stylish involves the following:
- Wearing skirts so short that even blind men look away in shock and disgust
- Putting one’s cleavage on display like puppies in a pet shop window
- Squeezing into a pair of micro hot pants several sizes too small, regardless of the effect this has on passersby, who often have nightmares and require psychiatric counselling to deal with what they’ve seen
Dutch girls
I’ve said enough about the dress sense of the locals. Now that the sun is shining in the Netherlands, Dutch fashion sense is on display in all of its peculiar glory.
4. Sarcasm
British girls
Just as being obsessed with traffic. Queuing in shops, and loving the misfortune of others, sarcasm is part of the British DNA. Never take anything they say literally. Here are some helpful examples aimed at Dutch men who might be enjoying the pleasure of dating a British lady.
British antelope:
“Jeroen, those bright green jeans you’re wearing are………a brave choice. Perhaps though you should only wear them on very special occasions”
“I love a man that’s careful with his money”
“A weekend away in a caravan? How romantic”
Dutch girls
Sadly, in spite of lots of classic British comedy being shown on Dutch television, sarcasm appears to be beyond the abilities of most of the locals. Instead of sarcasm, a primitive combination of rudeness and bluntness is deployed like a caveman wielding a club. Some actual examples are below.
“You must love it here in Holland, I’ve been to your country and it’s quite backwards”
“It’s nice that you made the effort to learn Dutch, but you speak it so badly that we should just speak English”
“you expats always go out and drink after work because you have no real friends here”
5. Marriage ceremonies
Dutch girls
Following the thrilling vrijgezellenfeest, the typical Dutch wedding can be a bit of anti-climax. The no nonsense Dutch woman, relieved that she’s actually got a Dutchman to agree to marry her, will be quite happy with a quick civil ceremony, followed by some cheese cubes, cocktail sausages on a stick and some cheap beer and plenty of bottles of wine from Chateau Migraine.
British girls
The Shallow Man like many people all over the world loves Downton Abbey. I’m pleased to say that even in 2015 that the traditions of the British aristocracy are still practiced. Decorum, manners and grace are all on display during typical weddings in the UK.
To summarize:
British and Dutch girls have about as much in common as Friesland does with Montego Bay.
Till next time, hou je bek!
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