Online dating tips for men

The shallow man recently had to laugh over a story about a poor chap who seeing an iPhone 5S advertised on eBay, went ahead and paid several hundred pounds to acquire the object of his desires. A few days later the package duly arrived, and with sweaty fingers and shaking hands, he tore it open only to find an iPhone box which was as empty as the head of the gold digger

Estelle Cruyff or Guillit

I’d like to see the spacious room you have to let, in your empty head


When the unwitting purchaser contacted the seller, he was told: “the photo quite clearly showed an iPhone box, you should have paid closer attention.” Indeed he should have, as photos can be misleading, which brings me to the subject of today’s post, online dating. The shallow man has some experience in this new form of antelope hunting but has decided to reach out to a genuine divorced Dutch Antelope and asked her to share her tips for men who are embarking perhaps for the first time on the online dating safari.

This and more will be featured in my new book, The Shallow Man Guide to Dating which will be released at the end of January. I will now return to playing GTA V online where I am having great fun robbing convenience stores. Forget that, what I mean is I’ll return to writing my book, I will hand over the page to the divorced Dutch antelope. Listen carefully to what she has to say.

Online dating tips from a thirtysomething divorced Dutch Antelope

Thank you, shallow man. Online dating used to be only for the lonely and desperate people out there. A lot has changed over the years. There is now a dating site for everybody, whether you like fat chicks, brides from Russia, China or Thailand, African beauties, silicon enhanced ladies from Het Gooi, single mothers, married women or ‘singles op niveau’.

Below I will provide four of the seven steps for successful Antelope hunting online. The other steps will be in the Shallow Man Guide to Dating the Dutch.

Step 1: Choose the right site

In my opinion, there is no such thing as the perfect dating site. All sites work mostly the same way. You’ll see the hottest profiles offered for free, however, the moment you want to contact the Lion or Antelope of your desires you’ll have to reach for the bank card. Just pick one and get on with it.

Step 2: Spread your chances

You will be overwhelmed with all sorts of pictures of hot women. It will surprise you that there are so many Antelope out there that can’t find a Lion in normal life. You might consider yourself to be the luckiest Lion on earth at this point, but try to calm yourself down a bit. It’s good to know the statistics: over 50% of dating site members are already in a long-term relationship. Also, keep in mind: If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. That’s why it’s good to not stare yourself blind at one pretty lady. Depending on your membership, you may have only one to three months to find the woman of your dreams. Don’t waste any minute of it and put on your safari hat.  Go on, select some hot Antelope and send them a message.

Dating Roulette

Online dating is another form of gambling

Step 3: Let her know you’re sincerely interested

Although you will contact several women, she doesn’t need to know. If she’s smart, she will do the same.  The first message is really important. Only if you are very confident about your looks try a simple “Hoe gaat het?” this will probably do the trick. In most cases, you will need to put in a little bit more energy. It’s most likely that you couldn’t care less about her profile text and just think that she looks hot. She, on the other hand, will Google image search your pictures immediately and will amaze you with every little detail you provided in your profile. So make some effort. Read her profile and react to something in it. This can vary from: “I like India too, it’s so spiritual” to “Eet je ook boerenkoolstamppot in de zomer?” If you want to give a comment on her looks, don’t just say: “Pretty picture” or even worse “damn woman you look hot enough to eat”, but tell her some bullcrap about her appearance, like: “ Wat heb je stralende ogen” (You have stunning eyes) Being original gives you an 80% chance that you’ll get an answer back.

Step 4: Pick your date

I am assuming that you took my advice by heart and will have at least 3 to 4 candidates for a first date. So now it’s time for the selection. The first thing that got your attention was probably her profile picture. Without that picture, you wouldn’t have ever sent her a message in the first place. The most important thing is to find out how representative it is of her looks in real life. Remember the empty iPhone box scam.

Here are some ground rules:

  1. Does she have more pictures? If not: ask for them. If she gives excuses like: “my camera is broke”, that’s warning signal number one.
    Either, she is so ugly that her appearance broke the camera, or the picture she used is probably, fake, from a friend, or was taken 10 years ago.
  2. Try if she’s up for a webcam session on Skype. A picture shows only what she wants you to see. Webcams generally don’t lie. Also, try to hear her voice. A great way to be sure that she really is from the opposite sex. (You could also ask for a look at her breasts, but ladies are not always into that but if she agrees win/win)
  3. Keep in mind that even if you saw her on a webcam and have received multiple pictures, the truth could still disappoint you. Some ladies know exactly how to utilise the best lighting and angle for filming. It took me years to learn this myself. 😉

You also want to find out if she’s errm… well… normal. There are so many weirdoes out there, and it’s very possible that you might have found one yourself online. Of course you shouldn’t go too far with this. It’s not like you’re going to marry her next week. But asking her some simple questions could save your life:

  1. What’s your living situation? (You want to know if she’s living on her own or with her parents. This is also a good way to find out if she’s living in a mental institution)
  2. Are you married or in a relationship? (remember that’s 50% of people dating online ) You wouldn’t want her husband to show up at your date and kill you, or invite you home for a threesome. Then again you might like that.
  3. Have you ever been in trouble with the police? (No explanation needed) Having said that, if your date has, they are unlikely to admit it.
  4. Does the film Fatal Attraction represent any behaviours you’ve displayed in the past?

The Shallow Man would like to thank

The divorced Dutch Antelope for sharing her tips. The rest of which can be found in The Shallow Man Guide to Dating. Join my mailing list to have a chance of winning a free copy of the best book on dating the Dutch that you’ll ever read. (There aren’t any others)

No bunny boilers were hurt during the writing of this article.

Till next time, hou je Bek!