The Rihanna complex

There’s no escaping Rihanna. Like the smell of weed in central Amsterdam, she’s everywhere, on all forms of media.  She’s an expert in self-exposure. If there is a God, then at some point in the near future, the world will realise that she’s overrated with the same level of talent that you can see in most karaoke bars any night of the week. She’s only twenty-five years old, but she’s reputed to be more of a diva than Mariah Carey and Christina Aguilera put together. In show business, her demands are already legendary, here are just some examples:

• Turning up at a London nightclub and demanding to be allowed in with a small group of seventy friends
• Regularly starting her concerts up to three hours late
• Demanding that her dressing room is warmed to precisely 73°F at all times

There are a lot of women out there with a diva complex, which brings me to the subject of today’s post. With the constant media bombardment of useless information about this moderately talented warbler, there are lots of women out there that have Rihanna not only as a role model, but attempt to behave just like her. The Shallow Man, in his never-ending quest to assist his readers will provide tips on how to spot women that are suffering from the Rihanna complex, and how to avoid them.

This post might be upsetting to Rihanna fans, if as a result, I’m attacked in the street by women dressed like trailer trash (copying their idol) I’ll bravely ask my potential attackers to get in the queue behind the Amsterdam Mama’s, (everytime I see a woman with a pushchair looking at me, my blood runs cold) Zwarte Piet supporters, Dutch hairdressers and the many other enemies I’ve made during my time blogging about life in the Netherlands. The things I do for my readers!

First I’ll start with an example of Rihanna’s bare-faced opportunism.

Rihanna and the world cup

There are a lot of confused people who believe that Germany won the 2014 competition, when in fact the real winner of the world cup was the opportunist of the year….Rihanna! What she lacks in talent, she makes up for in bare faced cheek.

When Brazil was doing well in the competition, she was photographed wearing the Brazilian flag on her neck.

No, but here she is with the Dutch flag, on her face when the Dutch were doing well.

Yo Holland, win you b*t**es, I love you long time

But just like a trophy wife that divorces her husband when he goes broke, Rihanna finally supported….Germany.

She’s gone from bad to wurst.

How to avoid dating a potential Rihanna

The shameless methodology used by Rihanna of playing hard and fast with multiple suitors has many lessons for the potential online dater. So you’ve matched or received a response from the object of your desires on a dating site or app. Here are some tips to prevent you from ending up like the title of one of Rihanna’s songs ‘man down’.

Check their social media profiles

Any person that has over 1,000 photos on facebook or twitter (especially hundreds of selfies) should start your alarm bells ringing. They are likely to be the kind of person who believes that life is a twenty-four hours a day reality show, of which they are the star.

Tell tale signs that your date has the Rihanna complex

• They arrive an hour late for your date (why are you still waiting sucker?) and then proceed to complain about the place you’ve chosen
• They order water and then turn into a cross between Hannibal Lecter and Bates from Psycho when the confused waitress announces that they don’t have any coconut water.
• They spend the entire time taking selfies and posting on social media. “Here’s me meeting my lame date, here I am sitting down, I’m looking at the menu, no Grey Goose vodka, time to leave”
• During your date, they keep talking past you, as if there’s a film crew around and start each sentence with, “I was like, and then I was like”
• Asks to go to a club and then invites a large group of friends, is refused access and then begins shouting “don’t you know who I am?”
• Watches a football game with you at a busy bar, starts by telling you which team she supports, but then keeps changing her support to the team that’s ahead. Regardless of who wins the game, she starts yelling and shouting and demanding lots of attention, finishes by flashing her bra to the all of the patrons in the bar as she’s so happy about who won.

If your date displays any of the behaviour outlined above, take the Shallow Mans advice and steer well clear, as there’s only one thing more diabolical than Rihanna, it’s a Rihanna wannabee.

It’s a goal! There are cameras around, look at me, look at me!

No divas were hurt during the writing of this post