The Shallow Man, being much like the British weather, is highly unpredictable. I’m often faced with the uncomfortable dilemma of how to end yet another short-lived but good while it lasted brief episode of a relationship. Whether or not, as often is the case, the shallow man is to blame, I like many people despise having to break the bad or good news that the latest affair of the heart, or finely tailored trousers, is over.

I’ve experienced some nightmare situations in the past, with much wailing, howling and gnashing of teeth. Indeed, the shallow man has had to sit with the ex-date of the moment while the carcass of the now deceased relationship is picked over by a woman wailing like a wolf.

Despite many of the scenes from the eternal struggle that is the love life of the shallow man often being played out in Amsterdam, I’ve decided that, as per usual, with my readers very much in mind, to provide tips on how and where to end relationships in the Netherlands. I do so knowing full well that an ex-fling/date/girlfriend of the shallow man may well be reading and, upon seeing the tips I’m about to share with you, dear reader, may very well face a torrent of abuse from an aforementioned ex-partner, up to and including having to meet up with them again to discuss “what went wrong with our relationship?” and face that most terrifying of questions “what colour are my eyes?” the things I do for my readers!

Location, location, location.

As with retailing, bars and restaurants, one of the most important things to consider when ending a relationship is the location of where the dirty deed will take place. To assist, I’ve provided a list of common reactions that are likely to occur. If the behaviour I highlight below matches your soon-to-be ex-partner, follow my advice carefully on where to end the relationship.

  • Howling wolf. You know the type, will burst into tears then howl at the moon.
  • Hissing low talker. Will hiss like a snake, then speak rapidly, curse, and swear at you through gritted teeth.
  • Hater, lover, hater. This personality type will hurl abuse at you, tell you how much they love you, and then hate you again.
  • Star Trek fan, the cling on. This person will cling to you like plaque, requiring twice as much work to remove. Expect them to accept all responsibility for the breakup and to promise that they can change.

Howling wolf

While providing great fun in the bedroom, the howler can cause considerable embarrassment if broken up in the wrong place. Therefore the shallow man strongly advises, despite his own personal misgivings, to take the potential howling wolf to a museum or, even better, a public library. These are not places for drawn-out histrionics, and even the wildest of wolves are likely to behave at such locations.

Let's discuss our relationship

Let’s discuss our relationship.

Hissing Low talker

More dangerous than any wolf is the snake-like low talker. Choose a neutral location, for example, a park and break the bad news while going for a walk. The advantage of this is that you will not have to sit and listen to a tirade of abuse, and having delivered the message can walk away, not hearing the hissing, hateful message that will follow.

you are not worth wasting my time with itsssss over

Hater, lover, Hater

A good place for dealing with this kind of person is in the Harbor Club chain of restaurants. The service is in my experience, often painfully slow and disorganised, thus leaving plenty of time between courses to deal with the split personality who will love you, hate you, then love you again. To ensure that there is no chance of a return, insist that your ex-partner foots the considerable bill. Even if they refuse, this should lead to quite an argument to ensure that the objective of ending the relationship is met.

The Cling on

Pluckier than the adversaries of Captain Kirk, the cling-on will not accept no for an answer. Here are some tips:

If the partner you’d like to get rid of is Dutch. Simply say to him or her that you find Zwarte Piet to be a racist throwback to slavery which doesn’t say much about Dutch culture. Even the cling-on will erupt in rage at this and will immediately spend a long time explaining how they are black because of soot from the chimney. Respond by questioning the red lips and curly hair. Also, ask why the clothes are so clean. Accuse them of hiding behind children if they resort to the excuse that it’s for the kids. The shallow man guarantees that the evening will end with them telling you to return to your own country. The cling on will cling no more.

To avoid being lynched by an angry Dutch mob, I advise having this discussion in the privacy of an apartment, definitely not in public, unless you wish to be taken immediately to the Airport and put on a Ryanair flight for punishment sent back home.

I'd follow you to the end of the galaxy

I’d follow you to the end of the galaxy.

All tips above are based on the personal experiences of the shallow man. No Klingons were hurt during the writing of this article.

Till next time, hou op jonge!