Firstly, let me make something clear. The Shallow Man loves Dutch women. They are natural beauties. The most common ailment suffered by male expats and tourists when in the Netherlands is neck strain caused by constantly turning their heads to look at Dutch girls. Sometimes however, the Shallow Man has to turn his head for the wrong reasons, which brings me to the subject of today’s post, stuff Dutch women hate.
Dutch women, in spite of being hotter than freshly made bitterballen, often display certain behaviors, that can only be the result of hatred. Naturally, yet again, the Shallow Man will generalise, and if as a result I’m captured by a group of angry Dutch ladies and am forced to smoke an entire packet of cigarettes while listening to them telling me how liberated they are, I’ll say to my captors, “Ik heb een idee, probeer 40 uur per week te werken, vertel me dan hoe geemancipeerd je bent”. The things I do for my readers!
Stuff Dutch women hate
Like Calamity Jane, they’ve got their man. No more tinder dating for them (at least not in the city in which they live) or having to chase after guys in bars. (In the city where they live). They’ve signed the samenlevingscontract and are set for life. Time to let themselves go. The first step in this process is to whip out the fruit bowl and start cutting their own hair.
Dutch women on their way to work, adopt the style commonly associated with women in the middle ages that were dunked in water to see if they were witches. Even if they leave the house with hair that is wetter than the back of a beaver, who cares? Have you any idea how much electricity is used by hair dryers? let the wind take care of it.
Does this sound familiar? “There’s no point wearing heels in my city, they’d be ruined”. That is just an excuse used by a lot of Dutch women who have no idea how to walk in heels. A Dutch woman wearing high heels is harder to find than an Amsterdam cyclist that stops at red traffic lights. To succeed in selling shoes or boots to Dutch women, they need to be like the Netherlands, flat and conservative. It’s difficult to get heels that match with denim anyway, so why bother?
Dutch women hate having to get up any earlier than is absolutely necessary. This leaves very little time for all but the most rudimentary styling. Dutch men have a natural fear of women that wear makeup, as they only see such women on television or at the cinema. The sight of a woman in makeup automatically has them thinking of their bank balance as any woman that takes time for such things is probably high maintenance. Dutch women go for the ‘natural’ look. This involves drinking a hot black coffee and a quick smoke, followed by slapping themselves on each cheek before leaving the house. Much better than wasting money on cosmetics.
Not being heard
When Dutch women get together, birds fly away from nearby trees, dogs howl, and cats throw themselves in front of oncoming cars to escape the noise. Getting the point across in a conversation is all about volume. Dutch women speak as if they are on the back of a bike hollering at their friends, even when sat closely together.
A plus side of this is that it leads to lots of noise in the bedroom. With the Dutch being so direct this can cause some embarrassment as your Dutch neighbor stops you on the stairs and says, “Ze nam veel meer tijd dan gebruikelijk, was je moe?”/”she took much more time than usual, was you tired?”
Men that don’t know their place
If you’re going to have a serious relationship with a Dutch woman, it’s important to keep the following in mind.
- She is always right
- She can never, ever, visit her family alone, this is not done in the Netherlands, she’ll drag you kicking and screaming halfway around the country to attend every possible family event
- Spontaneity is not appreciated, use the calendar goddammit! This doesn’t include sex, which is expected as often as possible
The Shallow Man
In spite of all of the above, or perhaps because of it, the Shallow Man loves Dutch women.
No cowboys were hurt during the writing of this post.
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