The Netherlands Dating Safari

The Shallow Man, a hero to some, a “you don’t respect our hosts I find your articles insulting” nuisance to others, has received the following message from one of his Facebook followers: “Shallow Man, I’ve noticed that all of your dating tips revolve around bars. What about those of us that don’t live in the Pijp, thus have no easy access to eetcafes and other nightlife? What about us?” At this point the Shallow Man is tempted to sing the Michael Jackson song, ‘They Don’t Really Care About Us’ but in order not to cause offence, I shall refrain from doing so. At least for now.

The Shallow Man, when he’s not eating in fine restaurants, busy playing Grand Theft Auto or being fitted for his latest bespoke three-piece masterpiece of a suit, is a big fan of BBC wildlife documentaries. In particular, Planet Earth and Africa. One thing I’ve learned from these programmes is about the strategic genius of Lions when on the hunt for their prey. They don’t just turn up at a waterhole, shout out “Ooh you’re a hot looking little Antelope, come for a walk with me in the jungle, you can trust me, honest.” No, the Lions pick out their prey carefully, and instinctively know when the time is right to strike! Which brings me to the subject of today’s post how to succeed in the Dutch dating safari.

To answer the question of my loyal reader, who no doubt lives isolated from humanity in IJburg or Almere, I shall reveal that darkest of all secrets, something that many would prefer to remain under lock and key – how to plan and execute the necessary maneuvers to catch that most coveted of all prizes, the Dutch. If doing so leads to me offending our Herring-eating, hairdresser-phobic Dutch hosts, and as a result, the Shallow Man is locked handcuffed to a chair and forced to watch endless reruns of Goede tijden slechte tijden, I shall shout at the top of my voice, “Hou je bek”. The things I do for my readers!

Hunting Grounds Where the Supply Is Plentiful

Every Lion knows that there is not much point staying in one place when the herds have moved on. To meet the Dutch, follow the herds.

Dolle Dwaze Dagen

As stated earlier, the Dutch are elusive prey, but every Lion knows that the best time to catch herds of the Nederlanders is during the Bijenkorf department store’s Dolle Dwaze Dagen three-day sale. Remember to not get caught in the literal stampede of thousands of Dutch people desperate to get goods at bargain prices. The sophisticated hunter knows where best to encircle its chosen target. If your prey is female, research in advance on the Web, exactly where in the store the cheapest-looking boots and shoes will be on sale. Hover around this area, and again my legal disclaimer here is that the Shallow Man cannot accept responsibility for any injuries that may result in doing so. Once you see a woman that meets your objectives, grasping for a pair of boots that a Somalian refugee would refuse to wear, approach her and compliment her on her choice of footwear and also point out which of the tills has the smallest queue.

An alternative to the footwear section is also the Jeans section of the store, however for your own safety, I’d advise you not to risk being caught in the carnage that is bound to ensue when already cheap denim is at sale prices. The herds are likely to be in a frenzy of Jean shopping and should probably not be disturbed.


We’d travel miles for cheap boots.

If the object of your desire is male, look up in advance where the shoes from Van Bommel will be on sale. Actually, look for any brown shoes that will be at knockdown prices. Again for your own safety, the Shallow Man advises ensuring that you are not trampled by a bunch of red jean-wearing estate agents, bankers and accountants. It will be easy to spot which ones are single, as Dutch men in relationships are not allowed to shop alone. They are usually dragged around stores by their demanding partners. If you see a man on his own, grab him by his Lion King hair and forget any subtlety at all, as Dutch men are used to being hunted by the most aggressive women in the world outside of the UK, the Dutch female. Dutch men do not expect to have to make any effort at all as they are used to women calling the shots. Simply approach your prey, and ask, “Heb je zin in neuken in de keuken?” That should do it.

Spot which one is the Expat?

Spot the Expat

Dating safari locations parks

In the worker’s paradise, that is also known as the Netherlands, 90% of women utilize their legally guaranteed right to work part-time. Though the offices across the land may often be empty of women, the parks are full of them. To bag your prey the Shallow Man advises the following:

  • Hire or steal a dog.
  • Take it to a park, then be on the look-out for any lone males or females walking dogs.
  • Set your dog on theirs and then while wiping up the mess caused by the attack make pleasant conversation with your prey.

Boot Camps

Another way of bagging one’s prey is to join a boot camp. These are very popular with the Dutch middle classes at the moment, even more, popular than bringing their overpriced buggies into crowded cafe’s on a Saturday morning and blocking all possible routes to and from the door, to the toilet etc. However, I digress. Boot camps provide the ability to exercise in the open air while checking out the quality of the merchandise available. Think of a boot camp as being a kind of try-before-you-buy retail experience. You can scope out which men and women are single and available and then like any good Lion or Lioness move in for the kill.


No singles were hurt during the writing of this article.