British tourists in Amsterdam

The Shallow Man, that most elegant (and modest) example of fine British manhood rarely visits the two great pleinen in Amsterdam, named Rembrandt and Leidse. Yes, I have often frequented the Palladium, but that is purely for my continuing research for my PhD on the mating preferences and behaviour of gold diggers.

I recently received a message from a rather shall we say irritated reader “Shallow Man, you’re a total lul, weet je dat? You make bad jokes about Dutch people, what about all the British tourists and how they behave when in Amsterdam? Why don’t you write about that? Klootzak!”

The Shallow Man is used to criticism and allows it to bounce off his well-tailored self.  However, the comments of this rather excitable reader did strike a chord with me. Having spent ten years as an Amsterdammer, (If Steve Mcqueen is reading this what a great title for your next film) I have a particular insight into the behavior of my countrymen when set loose for a weekend or short break in the wonderful, denim-clad city of Amsterdam, which brings me to the subject of today’s post, British tourists in Amsterdam.

As always my comments will be direct and to the point, and if as a result, I’m hunted down by a group of flag-waving British nationalists and am forced to watch endless news reports about baby George touring Australia with William and Kate, so be it.

A map of Amsterdam for British tourists

For many years, the typical British tourist believed that Amsterdam was an incredibly small city that spans the distance between Leidseplein, Rembrandtplein and a bit further along to that high-quality entertainment establishment, teasers. Recently the map of Amsterdam has been extended to include the Pijp due to the easy hotel being situated there.

If you spot a British tourist anywhere outside of these locations, as the Shallow Man has done once or twice, they will shout in a loud voice, very slowly, HOW DO WE GET TO LEIDSEPLEIN? YOU KNOW LEIDSEPLEIN? THE BULLDOG? PLEASE HELP ME I HAVEN’T HEARD A BRITISH ACCENT FOR OVER AN HOUR.

The Bulldog - Cannabis coffee shop in Amsterdam

The destination of a lot of Brit tourists

British female tourists and where to find them

It’s incredibly difficult to spot the shy and retiring flowers that make up modern British tourist womanhood. In common with their Dutch counterparts, British girls tend to scream at the top of their voices. Head to Leidseplein and listen out for a noise similar to a hundred cats being drowned simultaneously. Then turn towards the noise and look for the ladies that at first glance appear not to be wearing skirts. Look again, and you’ll see a patch of material that passes for a mini skirt, exposing plenty of cellulite covered, pasty red looking legs. Powerful hard-working legs, used as they are to carrying so much weight. British humour is famous the world over, hence the amusing herd of fine British womanhood might even be wearing matching outfits, for example, they might all be dressed up as nurses. Hilarious.

British tourists in Amsterdam having had too much to drink

English roses having fun

Male British tourists and where to find them

A herd of buffalo, a flock of geese, a stagger of British men. British male tourists at any time of day or night tend not to walk as to stagger everywhere. Faces red as the traffic lights ignored by Dutch cyclists. Bellys bulging and proud, like the state of a gentlemen’s wallet at the beginning of a cultural evening at teasers. Soon to be emptied, often on the floor outside coffee shops or bars, where the sweet aroma of too much weed, mixed with beer, whisky and fast food exit the body of the tourist in question faster than a pair of knickers being dropped after a tinder date.

To find these fine specimens of British manhood, head to the red light district where these verbally gifted charmers can be seen shouting at the ladies in windows “HOW MUCH DARLING?, DO YOU GIVE A DISCOUNT IF MY MATES JOIN IN?”

British tourists of both sexes can often be found in front of clubs arguing very loudly with the doormen. “WE ARE NOT DRUNK, LET US IN YE BASTARD!”

When it comes to fashion, British tourists stick with the classics

For men, nothing makes a bolder fashion statement than wearing a football shirt. A timeless look that never gets old.

The ladies believe firmly in less is more. There’s an incredible amount of optimism shown by my countrywomen as they squeeze into outfits two sizes too small, like a German master butcher filling a sausage.


Obviously, I’ve generalised ever so slightly. Please don’t shoot the exceptionally stylish messenger.


No German Butchers were hurt during the writing of this post.