Tips on Dating Dutch men
I recently had to go to the Marriott Hotel to collect a colleague who was visiting from the US, Dave Goodman and take him to our office in Amstelveen. He was supposed to be meeting me in the reception area but wasn’t there. I asked the receptionist, a lovely Russian lady, to call his room but there was no answer, so she made an announcement over the PA system. “Paging Dave Goodman, can you please come to reception? Calling Mr Goodman.” She tried this several times and then in exasperation she said to me “wow, a Goodman really is hard to find.”
This brings me to the topic of today’s post. Think of Ahab’s quest for Moby Dick, John Ford chasing the elephant, Wile E Coyote’s hopeless pursuit of the Road Runner or Tom’s obsessive and hazardous campaign to capture Jerry. Since the dawn of time, man has risked life and limb to hunt down its prey.
The lovely Jasmina Suljanovic, Olga Khristianovskayam (as Lady Gaga said to her backing dancer, that’s a mouthful) and Niamh Ni Bhroin have reached out to their Uncle Shallow Man for advice on how to capture that most exclusive, reclusive and elusive of prey, the Dutch male. My advice may be controversial, however, like Brian who was crucified on the cross for his beliefs or that great leader of the Roman slave rebellion of old, I will stand up, unafraid and shout out “I am Spartacus” without fear of the consequences. The things I do for my readers.
Every man is different, so of course, I will have to generalise. The tips I will provide are just ways of helping to at least get as far as a good conversation, or better still the things that expat women should not say to Dutch men.
Religion
To get anywhere with a Dutch man you have to be able to understand, respect and tolerate their primary religion which is money. Dutch men worship money above just about anything else.
Due to their love of money, you should not be insulted if at the end of a delightful evening at some nondescript brown cafe, when your date goes through the bill with the scrutiny of an American customs agent checking baggage for the presence of illegal substances. The Dutchman’s love of money will make him check every item on the bill several times and then with the speed of a supercomputer calculate precisely how much your portion of the bill will be.
“You had the White Wine that’s five euros, we had bitterballen to start, there were six but you had four which means that you need to pay 2.37.”
If you wish to get into a Dutchman’s heart you need to accept that there are three of you in the relationship, him, you and his money which he will cling onto like a Gold Digger to a footballer.
When he presents you with your portion of the bill, smile gracefully and pay your share as if this is the most normal thing in the world.
Common mistakes made by Expat women when hunting their Dutch prey
When chasing their prey, a common mistake made by Expat women is to dress well. In other words, not wearing jeans or old boots that look as if they’ve been handed down from mother to daughter to granddaughter. Expat women have also been known to visit hairdressers more than twice a year and they are also not strangers to wearing makeup. This can make the skittish and highly sensitive Dutchman extremely nervous. A well-dressed woman with styled hair and makeup might be after the thing he values most, his money.
To stand a chance with a Dutchman, my advice is to take a flight to London. Find a homeless person that fits your size, and then pay them some money to hand over their jeans which should be in a pretty poor state. Wear the jeans, along with a pair of second-hand boots purchased from Marktplaats (the Dutch eBay) and for the rest of the outfit follow the example of Dutch women.
Turn all the lights out in your apartment, then reach for the first thing that comes out of the wardrobe. It will definitely not match the rest of the outfit. Take a salad strainer or colander, put this over your head and then turn on the tap for 30 seconds. Leave your hair wet, then put on a heavy metal song and shake your head in time to the selected track for another three minutes. This will make your hair fit the style typically worn by Dutch women, thus naturally attractive to Dutch men. Do not apply any makeup.
Hairstyles of Dutch men
The Netherlands is incredibly flat, thus it can be extremely windy here. The most common form of hairstyle for the Dutch male is a style that is aerodynamic and reacts well to the windy conditions of this country. Dutch men typically have their hair combed backwards in the style of the Lion King. My advice is to not be surprised that most men have this hairstyle. Don’t hum the tune to the Lion sleeps tonight while running your hands through his hair.
of most Dutch hairdressers
Fashion
Dutchmen and Brown Shoes go together like Drones and dead civilians, Amsterdam and high apartment rental costs and Miley Cyrus and bad taste. I guarantee that on your first date with a Dutchmen the standard uniform of Brown Shoes, Blue Jeans, a smart shirt and a suit jacket will be worn. This is because, like their female counterparts, Dutch men believe firmly in Doe Maar Normaal, i.e. do not under any circumstances display any individuality in case you stand out.
Equality and Dutch men
If you do manage to bag yourself a Dutchman and end up moving in with him, you’ll be the witness to an incredible transformation. The once proud Dutch lion will become a pussycat. Dutch women, even though they typically only contribute less than 25% of income to the household, firmly rule the roost and wear the trousers at home. Visit any V&D or major store on a Saturday and you’ll witness the once proud Dutch lion being bossed around by his poorly dressed partner. Once you have a Dutchman he will expect you to bark orders at him like a circus trainer shouting at his animals. Don’t forget this as otherwise he’ll be unsettled in the relationship and may go elsewhere for a bit of tough love.
Flirting and romance
The female friends of the Shallow Man inform me that your expectations in this regard should be lower than a snake’s belly. Flirting typically involves a Coffee, some bitterballen which as I stated above you’ll be expected to pay 50% of then a quick invite back to his cave for a night of horizontal jogging.
No Dutchmen were hurt during the writing of this article.
Now I need to get back to playing GTA V. Till next time Hou je snavel!
For more advice on dating Dutch men see the video below
I am having a very hard time understanding my Dutch bf. We have been talking online for over 2 1/2 years. Most of what I have heard on here is true of him. He is at his loving best when drunk. And will really talk to me. We have not met in real life yet. Hoping to in March. Now i dont know what to really think of him. I am an american.
Two and half years is a hell of a long time to go without meeting someone. So why do you call him your boyfriend? The relationship hasn’t actually been consummated.
Ok fiend then. We just started getting really intrested in each other about 8 months ago. I dont think i want to meet him now.
And I didnt have the money. Had to save for it. He is really the nicest person I have ever spoken to but I dont think it will work.
Again, stop writing this nonsense! We dutchies are nowhere like this! Seriously, this dude is “Koekoek”
This is quite a generalisation; but in order for it to be funny (and it is), it needs to be based on some truth (and it is!).
I however get to date only Dutch gay men, so I suppose I’m pretty fortunate in that respect, seeing as they usually adhere less to this archetype 🙂
Ohw this is not narrow minded at all
Brilliant and accurate article…however, you forgot to mention an other essential part of their lifes, which will come between you big time…their mothers!!!
and football
Its flipping hilarious how I can relate the above to my Ex Dutch BF!! Except he got all our bills all the time; even my friends were surprised. Its true that they hate properly dressed and made up girls – I was too perfect in his eyes. I am of Asian descent and was told that I wasn’t tough enough for his liking on top of all that. Well if you have a way around it, stay away from the Dutchie – will save you some heartache and absolute disappointment!
my boyfriend is a Dutchman, quite the same as you said. I don’t like us to pay separately because I come from a culture of ” one wallet paying the bill”. for us are always either him or me who pay for the bill. Not quite exact exchange of paying the restaurant but we enjoy it anyway. At first he was shock that I was paying for his dishes, but he get used with it by now. I cant agree more for his coldness and sometimes tend to be a dull ( boring) relationship. yet we tried to spice it up ( Yes I do have to initiate and inform him ” You are getting dull my love”). as Asian,I grew up in a lively environment but I cant appreciate more for his loyalty (Dutchman tend to be monogamous), intelligence ( we are university friend), and humbleness. Now we’re in a Long Distance Relationship but I know I can trust him. They tend to be old fashioned sometimes in a sense of serious relationship. But for me that’s a great thing to value your relationship. and their directness really help for communication, at least you don’t have to be a mind reader. And I love the fact that my boyfriend is a bad liar ( they tend to be honest).
” Being normal ” also mean they see through you, not only your appearance over make up and styles. he’s by my side at my worst. and Despite of everything, that makes him a real man for me.
Hi Shallow Man,
I loved your other articles but even though I do think this one is written in a humourous way, I was a little uncomfortable reading this.
I am a Dutch girl myself and I have very different experiences to the ones you described here.
The guys I dated actually did want to pay for dates. Sometimes, however, I did not let them because I have experienced that it makes them feel as if I owe them a ‘favour’.
Most guys I know actually are adventurous, although I do realise that, being surrounded by a bunch of enthusiastic students in their early twenties living in Rotterdam, this is a little different than in the rest of my beloved country.
About the hairstyle; I like my lions! Please leave your manes untamed, guys. It feels a lot better than the short, stubblish hairstyle a lot of foreigners tend to have.
I must even say – I feel almost ashamed to admit it to you – I love Dutch guys. They are down to earth, tall, humourous, intelligent and adventurous. Way to go!
Last but not least: I can’t understand why you do not find Dutch girls a relief, looking at the bottomless drunk British girls that appear to be crawling on the streets every night a week.
Love,
A Dutch girl that must be a homeless person dating a boring guy
Vera,
If you refuse to let a guy pay for you on a date, isn’t that just a touch of insecurity on your part? Are you afraid that you won’t be able to say no otherwise? 🙂
As for drunk British girls, the shallow man is unmoved by digs at women from his native country. 🙂 Dutch women are generally very attractive, but do tend to dress as if they get their clothes from a UN refugee emergency package.
How sharp! I actually love it when a guy pays (I know I am supposed to behave emancipated and this is not the way, but I do) but I have experienced some guys getting a bit… annoying. Being the fierce Dutch lady that I am, however, I do not have any problems saying no – and hopping on my bike for a sprint that takes me far away of them.
I must agree that I have had to witness some aweful ways of dressing. Then again, I have never been to a place where I haven’t. 😉
7 months in Holland and I love my Dutch man. He is most of those things above and we laugh about it all the time, and to prove a point he went off and bought a pair of red pants ON SALE! LOL! (hasn’t worn that monstrosity yet)
In my humble opinion there really is nothing to feel offended or uncomfortable about this article. It’s merely how some expats see the Dutch. If you dish it out, you must be able to cop a dose of “straight forward” talking in good humour 😉
@ Simon
She wants to have her cake and eat it to. Welcome to woman logic 101.
But the girls here who are dating dutch men only vaguely regonize what you’re on about. I’m also slightly angry at the stuff you write, such generalizations, and the constant bashing of dutch women makes me suspect you are probably a bit bitter you don’t have much luck with them yourself (which is understandable if you really think you should wait for them to make the first move). Oh and if you’re unmoved by digs at women from you native country, know that british girls here are indeed seen as slutty and easy to get.
Overall I think you have a funny writing style but please ladies, don’t take this man too serious. Dress nice on a date, heels and make up are very much appreciated,and if you happen to date a cheap dutchie just give him a death stare when he suggests splitting the bill and everything shall be alright ;).
hahaha brilliant. 🙂
Hey, you have a sense of humor but you gotto understand, your dating advice is rubbish, you can really tell you only meet people in a certain social circle (as an expat this is to be expected) and then you proceed to generalize that to the entire dutch population.
And it’s true girls are less caked in make up than on your island, but that’s also because on average they are a whole lot better looking. But do dress nice on a date and stuff, every dutch guy loves it. Good luck with your blog, and remember.. als het je niet bevalt ga je maar terug naar je inteelt eiland ;).
altho I’ll also add I’m probably taking your article way too serious but hey, reading a bunch of generalizations that don’t really apply to me or any of my friends or people I know..I guess it got me worked up lol, I don’t like being taken for an Amsterdammer 😛 .
Anyway, I’m off now to put a liter of gel in my hair, stand in a corner somewhere waiting for a dutch girl to approach me so I can take her out to dinner at the FEBO, split the bill and if I see the slighest bit of flirting she better be putting out for dirty all night long sex. All the best my man!
I can recommend doing that in the Ferdinand Bolstraat if you ever happen to be in Amsterdam 😉
No need, I’m a student in Leiden and there’s such a surplus of female (both dutch and international) students in this city that if you can’t get laid here you probably can’t even score with a stacked wallet in a brothel.
I just can’t stop laughing. Your articles are 100% spot on. I’m in no way being racist as I adore the Netherlands but all the traits, characteristics, and observations you mentioned are so true. Sorry I can’t stop laughing.
I ‘m American woman and I have a Dutch man. Honestly I haven’t witnessed most of these characteristics. He is from the south of Holland so he says he might be slightly different. He has always paid on dates. He has insisted upon it. I dress really well and he loves it. I usually apply make-up although he prefers it to look really natural, and for me to be the closest to my nature beauty. Also a no on the red jeans, the wind-blown hair, and or brown shoes. He does however let me choose a lot of what we do, but on the other hand if he doesn’t want to do it he won’t. Of course, every person is different; Dutch or not so I guess I lucked out. It was an interesting post however! It was really funny!
Hahaha, really funny. I met a dutch man in a dating site more than a year ago. Very constant, always sending me messages every day. When he told me he wanted to meet me in real, I was doubting. But he did: came to my country (very far away from his), we met and spent some days together. It was great: he and his brown shoes with jeans, the hairlook you mentioned and some manners you described… hilarious. But what can be expected of this type of man who is obviously looking for a girlfriend abroad? are they in the same mindset than the regular guys who stand in Netherlands and prefer the local girls? I must say he is really sweet, a gentleman… But I won’t be taken as the “exotic meal” for a foreigner. I know he had some other relationships with tons of distance in the middle, this is not a new situation to him. I must say I really appreciate he did the effort to come to meet me and he has been talking of me visiting his country and meet his world… Any advice?
You just make Dutch women look bad
Your article starts out from the basic premise that the Dutch guys are somehow the ultimate catch, However only describe them as simultaneously unstylish and vain, ungenerous and humourless as well as pathetically submissive. If these really are the traits of a Dutch guy, not so much how to date a dutch guy as why?
Dear expat ladies,
I am Dutch, I have short hair and I do not prioritise money. I know you don’t bother learning my language, either because you don’t care or because you are just incapable, but don’t worry; I speak English, French and German fluently. I am willing to learn other languages on request, except Chinese – just don’t feel attracted to them.
My clothing style would be described as dull by some, although others say that my natural beauty just doesn’t require fancy clothes. If you wear beautiful clothes but are as ugly as my grandmother without them, you can stop reading here!
I don’t really care about who pays for drinks as long as we have a good time. If you are, however, one of those who (still, I should say) thinks that you had a more fun night if your date pays the bill, I am afraid that I am not really interested in you.
The shallow man has my e-mail address – please contact him if you are interested in getting to know me.
Hartelijke groeten,
Bram
I’m happy to oblige Bram. Come on ladies, isn’t that just a brilliant advert. Good on you Bram!
Hi, Bram. I am so keen to get in your country anyway. It will be nice if we can be contacted and I can learn english and dutch from you
I moved to the Netherlands with my Dutchman and this article made me laugh out loud. It’s very true and is about the stuff I tease him about all the time. In fact I was teasing him about his “mane”just this morning! Although I have made it very clear to him how he will not catch me DEAD in frumpy clothes!
Thanks Kuku,
It’s the differences that make us all beautiful!
I am married to a Dutch expat living in the USA — he keeps his Dutch Passport and now I know why he keeps his Lion King hair style (the same exact styles that his brothers wear, and father wore) — I thought it was a family thing; now I know it is a national thing. Money is his first love – though he is not afraid to work as hard as it takes to get it! Given a choice though – he would choose his money over almost anything.
Oh well — 45 years together and I guess I have fallen into the clothing styles of Dutch women!
boute shit dit!
What a steamy pile of crap. You sound like a bitter-woman (although I know you are not) but I more or less know your type, the ex-pat who has no ability to integrate to the environment and spits an enraged bile of exaggeration and fantasy-based rant to apeace their frustration. By the way, I’m not Dutch, but this is just silly.
Well said 😀 (says the dutch girl without shower, make up, nice clothes and hairdresser)
Hahahahaha. As a Dutch lady I can tell you, you have dated the wrong guy indeed! Deffo, not all like that but reading your bit I can see what type you did date, and those are the ones most of us avoid at all costs:) Love the article:)
Ainslie, I’m a man, as in the Shallow Man. So have no experience in dating Dutch or any guys actually 🙂 The article is based on observations and feedback from some female friends, who may have indeed dated the wrong type of guys.
1 – In this country, being a man, as in the Shallow Man, does not immediately mean you have no experience dating any guys.
2- Are you English by any chance? Surely you are immediately disqualified from giving anyone advice on fashion or relationships.
I am just coming back from Amsterdam and I want to say that I think Dutch guys are generous / excellent in bed / shaped like superman / have excellent taste in home design / gentlemen
From my (Dutch) perspective, the title of the article should be “How to hate Dutch men”, instead of “How to date Dutch men”. Don’t get me wrong: I did enjoy reading the article, but it has prejudice and generalization written all over it. It is an outdated description of the average Dutch man of two decades ago.
I think it is save to say men in Amsterdam, or at least in any other ‘large’ city in the Netherlands, have enough balls to approach women. Women who care about their physical appearance, I might add.
Furthermore, if it comes to money: we like having it, but we like to spend it even more. We appreciate quality time and we are willing to pay good money for it. We like to travel, we like to grab a beer with friends every now and then, we like to cook, we like to buy nice things, we like to watch and play sports and moreover: we like women.
Ergo, that doesn’t really fit the profile of being conservative, cheap and boring, as the article suggests.