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Tips on How to Date Dutch women

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How to Date Dutch Women Essential Tips

Having lived here since the time when Geert Wilders had normal hair, the Dutch football team were actually capable of winning football matches and Carice Van Houten wasn’t the only Dutch celebrity, a lot of expats see me as a kind of father figure and come to me for advice in many matters.
Over the years, one particular theme has cropped up repeatedly, how to date Dutch women.

The young expats come to me, with tears in their eyes and say, “Shallow man, we have no problem dating Italians, Germans, French, Russians, Latvians and Polish girls. When absolutely desperate, we even date British girls, but the Dutch? Why are they so difficult?”

Having had some experience in this area, and even though what I’m about to write may be somewhat controversial in some quarters, like John the Baptist, I feel that the truth must be told, and if as a result, my head is served on a plate at FEBO or in a food hall at HEMA then so be it. The things I do for my readers.

Every woman is different, so of course,  I will have to generalize. The tips I will provide are just ways of helping to at least get as far as a good conversation, or better still the things that expat men should not say to Dutch women.

Important Tips on How to Date Dutch Women

How to Date Dutch Women? Respect their Religion

To get anywhere with a Dutch woman you have to be able to understand, respect and tolerate their primary religion which is smoking. Dutch women worship smoking above just about anything else. Take a wander through the Pijp or the nine streets on a freezing cold day, when even the Penguins are wearing Burberry scarves, hats and gloves. The only people you’ll see outside the bars on those days will be Dutch women desperately smoking as if cigarettes are about to be prohibited and it’s their last chance to ever smoke again.

 

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How to date Dutch women? Smoke like a chimney
How to date Dutch women? Take up smoking

 

To date Dutch women means standing outside in the cold while they smoke
How do these Dutch girls sit outside and smoke?  It’s too cold for me

To get past the basic niceties of an introduction it will not help if you make comments about smoking being detrimental to their health, or commenting on why they are either in the freezing cold smoking or asking them not to smoke inside a busy bar as there is a smoking ban. If you can hold your tongue, you’ll be on to first base.

Learn to Love Denim If You Intend to Date Dutch Girls

Learn by my past mistakes. Never, even after a glass of champagne or four, make jokes about the tendency of Dutch women to wear jeans morning noon and night, at weddings, funerals, Michelin star restaurants, exhibitions, art galleries, private parties etc. This will get you instantly dismissed from any further conversation. Many Amsterdammers are firm believers in the Dutch philosophy of doe maar normaal. Which translated means, do not dare to display any individuality at all. Be a clone, if the next 50 women are wearing jeans then so should you.

Equality and Dutch women

Do not, under any circumstances bring up the subject of part-time working. It’s a love killer. 80% of Dutch women work part-time. In Dutch society, a lot of women believe that by not cutting their hair, shouting loudly, and acting aggressively, that this makes them liberated. In fact, financial independence is one of the strongest indicators of equality. Sadly, most Dutch women in a relationship contribute less than a quarter of the household income.
The Dutch taxpayer (including me) pays a fortune every year for thousands of women to go to University and get a degree. Often, women only work full-time for several years and then as soon as they find a man, go part-time, something which is allowed under Dutch employment law. This leads to the ridiculous situation where it’s common to receive out of office replies from female colleagues that say things such as:
“I work Mondays until 2.12 pm, Wednesdays till 1 pm, Thursdays till 2.47 and Fridays I’m not in the office.”
Just nod your head and smile when they tell you how independent Dutch women are.
The joys of working part-time one of the reasons Dutch women are the happiest in the world

 

IK GA PLASSEN

Some Dutch ladies are in the habit of announcing in a loud voice that they are going for a piss. The literal translation of Ik ga plassen. When this happens, don’t look embarrassed or disgusted. Act as if it’s perfectly normal for an adult female to announce to the world what she is about to do in the toilet. Lovely!
What did I just hear?

When Speaking in English

Speak clearly! My fellow Brits are the worst people for this. In fact, a German colleague of mine once had this to say.
“If you have a meeting with a German, a Frenchman and an Indian all three will have the meeting in English and have no problems with communication at all. If a native English speaker joins everyone is confused.”
Brits in particular, but also Aussies and Americans have a habit of talking at the same speed that they use when talking to friends and family in their own countries. In spite of the fact that most non-native English speakers tend to have better grammar than the natives,  just because the Dutch can speak good English does not mean that you can talk to them at a rate of 30 words a minute and expect them to understand you. This is often why native speakers fail when talking to Dutch women. Slow down, pronounce your words, use syllables and pauses.
No Dutch ladies were hurt during the writing of this post.
Now I need to get back to GTA V. Till next time,  Hou je bek!

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About Simon Woolcot

Infamous blogger, annoyance and self-confessed Shallow Man. Simon is a British expat who has lived in Amsterdam since 2004. As well as writing this blog, Simon also has a YouTube channel of the same name, writes and directs videos and hosts seminars about life in the Netherlands. He also works as a content marketing and SEO specialist.