I recently had to go to the Marriott Hotel to collect a colleague who was visiting from the US, Dave Goodman and take him to our office in Amstelveen. He was supposed to be meeting me in the reception area but wasn’t there. I asked the receptionist, a lovely Russian lady, to call his room but there was no answer, so she made an announcement over the PA system. “Paging Dave Goodman, can you please come to reception? Calling Mr Goodman.” She tried this several times and then in exasperation she said to me “wow, a Goodman really is hard to find.”
This brings me to the topic of today’s post. Think of Ahab’s quest for Moby Dick, John Ford chasing the elephant, Wile E Coyote’s hopeless pursuit of the Road Runner or Tom’s obsessive and hazardous campaign to capture Jerry. Since the dawn of time, man has risked life and limb to hunt down its prey.
The lovely Jasmina Suljanovic, Olga Khristianovskayam (as Lady Gaga said to her backing dancer, that’s a mouthful) and Niamh Ni Bhroin have reached out to their Uncle Shallow Man for advice on how to capture that most exclusive, reclusive and elusive of prey, the Dutch male. My advice, may be controversial, however, like Brian who was crucified on the cross for his beliefs or that great leader of the Roman slave rebellion of old, I will stand up, unafraid and shout out “I am Spartacus” without fear of the consequences. The things I do for my readers.
Every man is different, so of course I will have to generalise. The tips I will provide are just ways of helping to at least get as far as a good conversation, or better still the things that expat women should not say to Dutch men.
To get anywhere with a Dutch man you have to be able to understand, respect and tolerate their primary religion which is money. Dutch men worship money above just about anything else.
Due to their love of money, you should not be insulted if at the end of a delightful evening at some nondescript brown cafe, when your date goes through the bill with the scrutiny of an American customs agent checking baggage for the presence of illegal substances. The Dutchman’s love of money will make him check every item on the bill several times and then with the speed of a supercomputer calculate precisely how much your portion of the bill will be.
“You had the White Wine that’s five euros, we had bitterballen to start, there were six but you had four which means that you need to pay 2.37.”
If you wish to get into a Dutchman’s heart you need to accept that there are three of you in the relationship, him, you and his money which he will cling onto like a Gold Digger to a footballer.
When he presents you with your portion of the bill, smile gracefully and pay your share as if this is the most normal thing in the world.
Common mistakes made by Expat women when hunting their Dutch prey
When chasing their prey, a common mistake made by Expat women is to dress well. In other words, not wearing jeans or old boots that look as if they’ve been handed down from mother to daughter to granddaughter. Expat women have also been known to visit hairdressers more than twice a year and they are also not strangers to wearing makeup. This can make the skittish and highly sensitive Dutchman extremely nervous. A well dressed woman with styled hair and makeup might be after the thing he values most, his money.
To stand a chance with a Dutchman, my advice is to take a flight to London. Find a homeless person that fits your size, and then pay them some money to hand over their jeans which should be in a pretty poor state. Wear the jeans, along with a pair of second hand boots purchased from Marktplaats (the Dutch Ebay) and for the rest of the outfit follow the example of Dutch women.
Turn all the lights out in your apartment, then reach for the first thing that comes out of the wardrobe. It will definitely not match the rest of the outfit. Take a salad strainer or colander, put this over your head and then turn on the tap for 30 seconds. Leave your hair wet, then put on a heavy metal song and shake your head in time to the selected track for another three minutes. This will make your hair fit the style typically worn by Dutch women, thus naturally attractive to Dutch men. Do not apply any makeup.
Hairstyles of Dutch men
The Netherlands is incredibly flat, thus it can be extremely windy here. The most common form of hairstyle for the Dutch male is a style that is aerodynamic and reacts well to the windy conditions of this country. Dutch men typically have their hair combed backwards in the style of the Lion King. My advice is to not be surprised that most men have this hairstyle. Don’t hum the tune to the Lion sleeps tonight while running your hands through his hair.
Dutchmen and Brown Shoes go together like Drones and dead civilians, Amsterdam and high apartment rental costs and Miley Cyrus and bad taste. I guarantee that on your first date with a Dutchmen the standard uniform of Brown Shoes, Blue Jeans, a smart shirt and a suit jacket will be worn. This is because like their female counterparts, Dutch men believe firmly in Doe Maar Normaal, i.e. do not under any circumstances display any individuality in case you stand out.
Equality and Dutch men
If you do manage to bag yourself a Dutchmen, and end up moving in with him, you’ll be the witness to an incredible transformation. The once proud Dutch lion will become a pussycat. Dutch women, even though they typically only contribute less than 25% of income to the household, firmly rule the roost and wear the trousers at home. Visit any V&D or major store on a Saturday and you’ll witness the once proud Dutch lion being bossed around by his poorly dressed partner. Once you have a Dutchman he will expect you to bark orders at him like a circus trainer shouting at his animals. Don’t forget this as otherwise he’ll be unsettled in the relationship and may go elsewhere for a bit of tough love.
Flirting and romance
The female friends of the Shallow Man inform me that your expectations in this regard should be lower than a snakes belly. Flirting typically involves a Coffee, some bitterballen which as I stated above you’ll be expected to pay 50% of then a quick invite back to his cave for a night of horizontal jogging.
No Dutchmen were hurt during the writing of this article.
Now I need to get back to GTA V. Till next time Hou Je Snavel!
For more advice on dating Dutch men see the video below