Think of the animosity between Tom and Jerry, Batman and the Joker, or even Beyonce and Kim Kardashian. The common factor here is that these individuals are polar opposites. Moron vs genius, vigilante vs evil, and talent and hard work vs lots of silicone and vacuous opportunism.
Since moving to Amsterdam, The Shallow Man has had the pleasure of dating both Dutch and Russian women. Due to this, I’ve acquired a considerable amount of knowledge about the differences between them. Which brings me to the subject of today’s post; five differences between Dutch and Russian women.
Now before I’m inundated with angry comments, I’ll add the disclaimer that these differences are almost entirely based on my own experiences, and naturally cannot be applied to ALL Dutch or Russian women, perhaps 99.9 percent of them but not all. 😉
So going bravely, where I probably shouldn’t, here in no particular order, are the five differences between Dutch and Russian women. Please don’t shoot the exceptionally well-dressed messenger.
Вещи, которые я делаю для моих читателей !
1. Getting the first date
In order to understand the differences, first, you have to get your Dutch or Russian prey on a first date.
Getting a Dutch woman to go on a date
To get a Dutch woman to go on a date the old fashioned way (not using Tinder) follow these instructions.
- Go to a busy brown cafe.
- Stand well within the proximity of a group of Dutch ladies. (Just follow the shouting and you’ll know which women are Dutch)
- Ignore them completely, but order your drinks in English
- Within a few seconds, several curious (or just plain bloody nosey) women will approach you and will interrogate you
- Don’t make jokes about any of the following:
- Zwarte Piet
- Asylum Seeker Centers
- Why so many Dutch women work part-time
- Why the Dutch football team didn’t qualify for the World Cup
- Let them buy you drinks
- When your Facebook details, mobile number, home address, blood type, and shoe size are demanded, hand them over. You’re all set for a first date. Spannend!
Getting a Russian Woman to go on a date
To get a first date with a Russian woman, forget everything I told you about how to approach the Dutch.
- Go to an upmarket wine or hotel bar
- Be careful as there’ll be a few stylish women who might be Dutch. If they’re wearing a nice dress but with sneakers, then they’re Dutch. Look for women wearing shoes with heels, they’re probably Russian.
- Politely strike up a conversation. Complimenting them on their appearance is always a good start.
- Ask lots of questions about what they’re doing in the Netherlands
- Don’t make jokes about any of the following:
- Invading Ukraine
- Pussy Riot
- Gold digging
- Do offer her a drink, but don’t suggest a Molotov cocktail
- Make your intentions clear, and ask for her details
2. First date expectations
A successful first date with a Dutch woman involves understanding the following:
- Don’t whatever you do, call it a first date
- Don’t dare to suggest picking her up from anywhere, she’ll turn up on her bike
- If she turns up with her hair wet, it’s a compliment as she’s obviously had a shower before meeting you
- Have plenty of sarcastic comments ready, and spend the evening throwing insults at your date (they love it)
- Don’t whatever you do, get the idea in your head to pay for the drinks at the end of the night. Unless you enjoy being lectured about how independent Dutch women are compared to your country where the women are still chained to the cooker
- If you do number five, a bit of tongue wrestling might be on the cards. If it is, she’ll make the first move.
A successful first date with a Russian woman involves the following:
- Text them in advance to tell them how much you’re looking forward to your first date
- Uber is your friend. Be a gentleman and pick up your date from home
- Be patient, as even if you arrive on time, she’ll probably spend a ridiculously long time getting ready.
- Be polite, charming and attentive
- If they ask you your views about marriage, don’t choke on your drink, or say it’s for people in the provinces
- Russian women are often like magicians, even though they usually have designer handbags that probably contain purses, they disappear like magic when the bill arrives. If you don’t want her to say “nice meeting you but I Moscow” pay the bill.
- If you do all of the above, a bit of tongue wrestling might be in order. You’ll need to make the first move.
3. Expectations while in a relationship
Dutch and Russian women have completely different expectations.
The great thing when you first start seeing a Dutch woman, is that even if you’re having wild monkey jiggy jiggy every day of the week, you’re not actually, officially in a relationship. For a long time, you might just be ‘friends’ with benefits. An expat friend of mine found this out the hard way, when he arrived spontaneously at his ladies apartment, only to find a pair of brown shoes, next to the white sneakers in the hall. She wasn’t particularly bothered at being caught entertaining a Dutch lion. “Hey it’s no big deal, we’re just friends right?”
From the moment you’ve entered Stalingrad, you’re definitely, unequivocally, joined at the hip, like Siegfried and Roy. The expectations of Russian women of their men are plentiful. Including some of the following:
- Provider of fine meals and good wine
- Lover (on call 24 hours a day for when she gets the urge)
4. Time spent getting ready
The great thing when dating a Dutch woman, is that if you need to leave the house at 19:00, then at 18.56 your Dutch partner will change her sneakers, have a quick cigarette, put on a leather or denim jacket and she’s ready. Fabulous!
If you need to leave the house at 19:00 then the best strategy is to tell her that you need to leave at 18.00. This will then at least limit how late she’ll be. Nevertheless, by the time, she’s had a bath, chosen and changed her mind about which outfit she’ll wear, and which accessories match best, lots of time will have elapsed, and you’ll inevitably be late.
Dutch women and marriage
Dutch women tend to take a pretty practical view towards getting hitched. It’s usually more a matter of convenience or fiscal advantage. A bit like keeping an Albert Heijn savings book, it’s just the practical thing to do. They tend to take marriage in their stride and might insist on it after the second child. However, be aware that whether you’re married or not, as a man you’ll be expected to wear the panties. Once you live with a Dutch woman, life will become a series of never-ending lists and calendar appointments.
- Shopping list for items to buy from the supermarket, the butcher, the grocer
- Reminders to take out the rubbish
- Reminders to read the other reminders pinned on the kitchen wall
- On Saturday drive 200 km to visit Oma
- On Sunday morning drive 110 km to visit her parents who you last saw three days earlier
- On Sunday evening drive another 50km to visit her sister, who you last saw at Oma’s on Saturday
Russian women and marriage
Russian women have a strong belief that the purpose of a long-term relationship is simply a rehearsal for married life. “Shallow Man, why I bother wasting my time with you if you don’t want to get married?” Like death, filing annual tax returns, or dog poo on the streets of Amsterdam, there’s no escaping this. Be prepared.
In closing Dutch and Russian women have about as much in common as Donald Trump and Albert Einstein. If you have a mild heart condition or high blood pressure, say “nyet” and go Dutch. If you don’t have a driving license or have a strong dislike for dangerously flat shoes and leopard print, then Russian women are for you.
No members of Pussy Riot were hurt during the writing of this post
Till next time hou je bek!