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5 Differences Between Dutch and Russian Women

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Think of the animosity between Tom and Jerry, Batman and the Joker, or even Beyonce and Kim Kardashian. The common factor here is that these individuals are polar opposites. Moron vs genius, vigilante vs evil, and talent and hard work vs lots of silicone and vacuous opportunism.

Since moving to Amsterdam, The Shallow Man has had the pleasure of dating both Dutch and Russian women. Due to this, I’ve acquired a considerable amount of knowledge about the differences between them. Which brings me to the subject of today’s post; five differences between Dutch and Russian women.

Now before I’m inundated with angry comments, I’ll add the disclaimer that these differences are almost entirely based on my own experiences, and naturally cannot be applied to ALL Dutch or Russian women, perhaps 99.9 percent of them but not all. 😉

So going bravely, where I probably shouldn’t, here in no particular order, are the five differences between Dutch and Russian women. Please don’t shoot the exceptionally well dressed messenger.

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Вещи, которые я делаю для моих читателей !

1. Getting a first date

In order to understand the differences, first you have to get your Dutch or Russian prey on a first date.

Getting a Dutch woman to go on a date

To get a Dutch woman to go on a date the old fashioned way (not using Tinder) follow these instructions.

  1. Go to a busy brown cafe.
  2. Stand well within the proximity of a group of Dutch ladies. (Just follow the shouting and you’ll know which women are Dutch)
  3. Ignore them completely, but order your drinks in English
  4. Within a few seconds several curious (or just plain bloody nosey) women will approach you, and will interrogate you
  5. Don’t make jokes about any of the following:
    • Zwarte Piet
    • Asylum Seeker Centers
    • Why so many Dutch women work part time
    • Why the Dutch football team didn’t qualify for the European Cup
  6. Let them buy you drinks
  7. When your Facebook details, mobile number, home address, blood type, and shoe size are demanded, hand them over.  You’re all set for a first date. Spannend!
Dutch sorority girls being annoying
When looking to find Dutch women just follow the noise

Getting a Russian Woman to go on a date

To get a first date with a Russian woman, forget everything I told you about how to approach the Dutch.

  1. Go to an upmarket wine or hotel bar
  2. Be careful as there’ll be a few stylish women who might be Dutch. If they’re wearing a nice dress but with sneakers, then they’re Dutch. Look for women wearing high heels, they’re probably Russian.
  3. Politely strike up a conversation. Complimenting them on their appearance is always a good start.
  4. Ask lots of questions about what they’re doing in the Netherlands
  5. Don’t make jokes about any of the following:
  6. Do offer her a drink, but don’t suggest a Molotov cocktail
  7. Make your intentions clear, and ask for her details

 

Picking up a Russian woman with a bicycle
Always take Russian women to a date in style

2. First date expectations

A successful first date with a Dutch women involves understanding the following:

  1. Don’t whatever you do, call it a first date
  2. Don’t dare to suggest picking her up from anywhere, she’ll turn up on her bike
  3. If she turns up with her hair wet, it’s a compliment as she’s obviously had a shower before meeting you
  4. Have plenty of sarcastic comments ready, and spend the evening throwing insults at your date (they love it)
  5. Don’t whatever you do, get the idea in your head to pay for the drinks at the end of the night. Unless you enjoy being lectured about how independent Dutch women are compared to your country where the women are still chained to the cooker
  6. If you do number five, a bit of tongue wrestling might be on the cards. If it is, she’ll make the first move.
Homer Simpson celebrating that Dutch women usually make the first move
Dutch women usually make the first move

A successful first date with a Russian woman involves the following:

  1. Text them in advance to tell them how much you’re looking forward to your first date
  2. Uber is your friend. Be a gentlemen and pick up your date from home
  3. Be patient, as even if you arrive on time, she’ll probably spend a ridiculously long time getting ready.
  4. Be polite, charming and attentive
  5. If they ask you your views about marriage, don’t choke on your drink, or say it’s for people in the provinces
  6. Russian women are often like magicians, even though they usually have designer handbags that probably contain purses, they disappear like magic when the bill arrives. If you don’t want her to say “nice meeting you but I Moscow” pay the bill.
  7. If you do all of the above, a bit of tongue wrestling might be in order. You’ll need to make the first move.
Russian women believe in marriage as the objective of relationships
Dutch directness doesn’t work with Russian women

3. Expectations while in a relationship

Dutch and Russian women have completely different expectations.

Dutch women

The great thing when you first start seeing a Dutch woman, is that even if you’re having wild monkey jiggy jiggy every day of the week, you’re not actually, officially in a relationship. For a long time you might just be ‘friends’ with benefits. An expat friend of mine found this out the hard way, when he arrived spontaneously at his ladies apartment, only to find a pair of brown shoes, next to the white sneakers in the hall. She wasn’t particularly bothered at being caught entertaining a Dutch lion. “Hey it’s no big deal, we’re just friends right?”

Vomiting when finding out that he has been cheated on by his Dutch girlfriend
Anouk how could you cheat on me with a guy with so much hair gel?

Russian women

From the moment you’ve entered Stalingrad, you’re definitely, unequivocally, joined at the hip, like Siegfried and Roy. The expectations of Russian women of their men are plentiful.  Including some of the following:

  • Chauffeur
  • Provider of fine meals and good wine
  • Lover (on call 24 hours a day for when she gets the urge)

4. Time spent getting ready

Dutch women

The great thing when dating a Dutch woman, is that if you need to leave the house at 19:00, then at 18.56 your Dutch partner will change her sneakers, have a quick cigarette, put on a leather or denim jacket and she’s ready. Fabulous!

Attract Dutch men by looking natural and not wearing any makeup
Anouk didn’t need long to get ready

Russian women

If you need to leave the house at 19:00 then the best strategy is to tell her that you need to leave at 18.00. This will then at least limit how late she’ll be. Nevertheless, by the time, she’s had a bath, chosen and changed her mind about which outfit she’ll wear, and which accessories match best, lots of time will have elapsed, and you’ll inevitably be late.

Russian woman dressed up as a mermaid for a dating site photo
Russian women make a huge amount of effort dressing up

 

5. Marriage

Dutch women and marriage

Dutch women tend to take a pretty practical view towards getting hitched. It’s usually more a matter of convenience or fiscal advantage. A bit like keeping a Albert Heijn savings book, it’s just the practical thing to do. They tend to take marriage in their stride, and might insist on it after the second child. However, be aware that whether you’re married or not, as a man you’ll be expected to wear the panties. Once you live with a Dutch woman, life will become a series of never ending lists and calendar appointments.

Lists:

  1. Shopping list for items to buy from the supermarket, the butcher, the grocer
  2. Reminders to take out the rubbish
  3. Reminders to read the other reminders pinned on the kitchen wall

Calendar appointments:

  1. On Saturday drive 200 km to visit Oma
  2. On Sunday morning drive 110 km to visit her parents who you last saw three days earlier
  3. On Sunday evening drive another 50km to visit her sister, who you last saw at Oma’s on Saturday

 

 

A group of Dutch women wearing Bavaria beer dresses during the South Africa world cup
Dutch women before marriage
Dutch woman with a pittige kapsel hairstyle
Several weeks after marriage they start styling their own hair
Expat in a relationship with a Dutch woman being bossed around
After moving in with Anouk, the relationship changed

Russian women and marriage

Russian women have a strong belief that the purpose of a long term relationship is simply a rehearsal for married life. “Shallow Man, why I bother wasting my time with you if you don’t want to get married?” Like death, filing annual tax returns, or dog poo on the streets of Amsterdam, there’s no escaping this. Be prepared.

Russian women aged 20 and 35 meme
Russian women before and after marriage

 

In closing Dutch and Russian women have about as much in common as Donald Trump and Albert Einstein. If you have a mild heart condition, or high blood pressure, say “nyet” and go Dutch. If you don’t have a driving license or have a strong dislike for dangerously flat shoes and striped dresses, then Russian women are for you.

No members of Pussy Riot were hurt during the writing of this post

Till next time hou je bek!

 

 

 

 

 

 

About Simon Woolcot

Infamous blogger, annoyance and self confessed Shallow Man . Simon is a British expat who has lived in Amsterdam for over 11 years, and due to Brexit may soon be applying for asylum. As well as writing this blog, Simon also has a YouTube channel of the same name, writes and directs videos, and hosts seminars about life in the Netherlands

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  • belaroo

    Better than the beginning introduction first indicated. I’m not sure you will ever find true love while referring to them as prey. Common sense tells me never to go looking for a nice partner in a bar in Amsterdam, just a tip.

    • Be careful. That was almost a compliment. 😉

      Where would you suggest to go to find a nice partner?

      • belaroo

        Considering you are asking a lightly autistic 6foot tall English woman who married a shorter man she found on match maker and liked his photo based on the fact he was wearing chain mail, I’m not sure I’m much use. I would never have met my beardy wife in a pub, he would have been terrified of me. If you want to try online. I will give you a tip, fill out the full profile and be honest. Don’t respond to people who can’t manage basic punctuation and spelling. If you have any depth to your shallowness you might just somewhere. You are a bright bloke.

  • Dimi Il

    Awesome article 🙂

  • Val

    This is so accurate! I was nodding after every sentence

  • Maria

    A little bit exaggerated. I am Russian and a lot of my friends don’t wear much makeup or any makeup at all, don’t mind going out in jeans and T’s and certainly prefer flats to heels (as it’s much more convenient in a big city), but we do care about looks more in general. Many girls don’t want to get married, but they wouldn’t want to share a guy with someone else – after all, relationship is about feelings, not only about sex. Many girls don’t mind paying for themselves, but we mostly like it when men take care, show his interest, give little gifts, so on. However, we’re quite independent – it’s just more like a love game, when a woman lets a man be a hunter and a seducer.