Tinder Profile Photos and their hidden meanings

It was the lovely Roxy Scheepbouwer, a young blogger, who is a kind of Anakin to my Obi-Wan Kenobi, that first brought my attention to Tinder. I’m eternally grateful to her for this, I do wonder if I know the creators of tinder, as it’s as if someone has taken my personality and turned it into an App.

So today is Feb 14th, a very special day, for florists, restaurant owners, travel agents and condom manufacturers. People that don’t do so well on this day are of course street cleaners, who will have extra work cleaning up the results of thousands of Facebook updates showing allegedly romantic actions. “Oh, he bought me flowers.”  How original. “He’s taking me to dinner at a place where you have to sit down to eat” About time, you’ve been together for six months. “He’s bought me a cuddly toy of a puppy.” Yes, it was made by children in Bangladesh that have to work 18 hours a day so that we in the west can buy cute crap for next to nothing, but hey, how sweet.   This kind of thing causes sane people to drop their smartphones and throw up, hence more work for street cleaners.

For those of us who are not in steady relationships, and can’t be bothered to go hunting on the denim-clad plains of the Dutch dating Safari, there’s an alternative, especially today of all days, tinder. The Shallow Man, being somewhat popular (and infamous) has no need for this app, however, purely for the sake of research so that I can provide advice in this area,  I’ve installed it on my iPhone. The things I do for my readers!

I’ve swiped my way through many, many profiles, and have also elicited the assistance of several Tinder using Antelope so that I can provide advice on some of the more unusual tinder profile pictures you’re likely to see and their meaning. Dr Shallow Man will provide psychoanalysis of profile photo types.

Tinder profile photos and their hidden meanings

Dr Shallow Man, having recovered from fits of laughter will now advise his ever-growing band of followers of the meanings of some of the pictures he’s had the pleasure to review using tinder.

Een betalen Twee halen

This is an interesting one. There are a lot of profile pictures, where for instance it says Iris, age 30.  Yet in the photo are two women. Now, unless I’m missing something here, if the profile photo of Iris, also includes another equally attractive female with whom she is holding hands and they are both smiling at the camera, how in the name of Bob Marley am I supposed to work out which one is Iris? Dr Shallow Man can therefore only conclude that the hidden meaning of such profile pictures are, “we hope you have lots of physical stamina, as we come as a pair.”

Tinder profile pics with children

The Shallow Man likes these pictures, as what people are clearly saying is, “I have children, if you don’t like it, swipe on, it’s your loss.” Such honesty is always refreshing.

Cat lovers

There are plenty of pictures of people with cats. Guys that do this are saying two things:

1. “I’m a sensitive individual who can be affectionate and caring”

2. “I love pussy, and with this picture am hoping to get some”

Women that have pictures of cats in their profile are saying the following:

1. I’m a mad cow that loves my cat more than any human being I know. If we become friends on facebook, I’ll drive you crazy with pictures of my cat yawning, playing with string and even worse, eating its dinner.

2. If you want to be with me you’d better know how to handle pussy. (I’m referring to cats of course)

Dog lovers

When people have their dogs as part of a profile picture on Tinder, they are making a clear statement. What they are saying is that there will be three of you in the relationship, and the dog comes first. If the picture shows a dog sitting next to the person on the sofa, for guys this is a prelude to a great excuse if you happen to go to their apartment. “Sorry, but you can’t sit on the sofa as that’s Wilders (the name of the dog) territory and he might bite you if you sit there. It’s safer if we go to my bedroom.”

Some women seem to think that it’s very attractive to have a photo of them practically kissing their pet dog. As well as concerns about the breath of the ladies in question, the hidden subtext here is “I don’t need a man, I’ve got my dog, you’d better know your place.”


Meet my mother

There are a number of women whose profile picture shows them with their arms around an older woman, who one would assume is their mother. Why you would have your mother in a dating photo can only mean the following:

  1. She’s being kind and showing you how she will look in thirty years time.
  2. Hopefully, if the date doesn’t work out she’ll introduce you to her mother (some of the mothers look a lot better than their daughters)
  3. It’s a warning of things to come, the mother will be constantly interfering in every step of the relationship if you get that far


I’m a drunk swipe right

Claire, is 38, she’s having a great time, the only problem is that I can’t work out, which one is she? Her profile photo shows her amongst a group of at least another ten women and guys. They are all holding up wine glasses and have the tell-tale dark red glow of the caucasian that has drunk a little too much.  So not only do I have to work out which one is Claire but, (hopefully not one of the guys) I also need to accept the subtext “I’m a drunk and I don’t give a damn what anyone thinks.” A good match for a very late and unsober evening perhaps, but then again perhaps not.

Group photos, without any other pictures in the profile, are a bit of mystery to me, are you supposed to guess which is the right woman? Or can you expect ten people to turn up for the date?

The Shallow Man wishes you all lots of luck on the Tinder dating safari. If the profile types I’ve described above match what you have on there, you might want to think about making some minor changes.

My final words are covered quite eloquently in the valentine’s day card below.

tinder profiles and their hidden meanings

My kind of romantic statement


No animals were hurt during the writing of this post.