More ways to fit into Dutch society
On a Friday evening, the Shallow Man visited the headquarters of gold digger Netherlands BV, the Palladium, an entertaining bar in Amsterdam. Whenever I’m in that place, I get an insight into how Sir David Attenborough, the wildlife documentary maker feels while observing nature in action. “Over here we have a Dutch male, he can be recognised by the large amounts of gel in his hair, incredible height, and hands which are firmly gripping onto his wallet as if he’s holding down the pin of a hand grenade. Over here we have a group of Dutch females, the Latin term for them is Denimuggenhaarzonderstyling.” Which brings me to the subject of today’s post.
One of the most common pieces of feedback I receive from expats living in the Netherlands is how difficult it can be to make Dutch friends and to fit into Dutch society. In order to provide some advice in this area, I recently wrote 10 ways to fit into Dutch society. Within only three days the article was read over ten thousand times. I also received some interesting feedback from a few people that I managed to annoy with my article. In addition to this, I received many additional tips from readers on ways to fit into Dutch society. So with special thanks to Ben Garstka, Nieska Tieska and Lane Kuiler who all provided some valuable additional suggestions, here are some more ways to fit into Dutch society.
If this annoys you, don’t blame me, I’m just telling it like it is hoor! The things I do for my readers!
The Calendar says no!
The Dutch are incredibly spontaneous, as long as you book things weeks in advance. The average Dutch person has no control over their free time, everything is deferred to the calendar. The calendar is not just some inanimate object that usually hangs on the wall of the toilets in Dutch homes, no it’s a sentient being with a will of its own that must be obeyed. The next time a Dutch person asks you if you’re available for a drink, respond as follows. “Next week? you mean in only five or six days time? tjonge, jonge, jonge, sorry hoor! Dat kan niet. I’ll have to check what the calendar says but I think that I have a free slot eight weeks from now between 19:00 and 19:30 on a Thursday evening is that good?”
Hold your own circle of death parties
Invite some people round for a “party” starting at seven pm sharp. Arrange all of the chairs in your place in a circle. Serve that most refined of foods, cheese on cocktail sticks, packets of crisps, cocktails sausages in a jar that has just passed their sell-by date along with coffee and tap water. Use the word “gezellig” at least thirty times an hour. Throw everyone out of your house at 9 pm.
Lose your temper if someone calls you at six pm
It’s six thirty pm, the phone rings, immediately tell them in an annoyed voice that you are eating dinner. Say this in such a way as if they should know that everyone in the country eats at this time, and what a rude person you are for interrupting them.
Push your way onto trams
When the tram doors open, don’t wait to allow people to get off. Only dumb expats act like that. As soon as the doors start opening, squeeze your way in, like a mouse through a small gap in an overpriced Amsterdam apartment. Fight for your right to get on immediately. Your time is far more precious than anyone else’s. You’ll gain extra points if you manage to knock over a small child or an old person while doing so.
Only the top half of your body. On a night out, some Dutch people go to a lot of trouble to dress up, but sadly only on the top half of the body. For women a lovely blouse, or top made of lace, for men a white shirt and a smart jacket, but underneath? Jeans! Dress like this and you’ll fit in perfectly, wear jeans with everything.
Ride your bike on the pavement
Only stupid expats and tourists use bike lanes. The Dutch are smart enough to realise that the fastest way from point a to point b is by cycling on pavements. Do the same, and laugh as children and pregnant women jump out of the way to avoid you.
Announce what you plan to do in the toilet
When sitting with your female friends, stand up and shout as loud as you possibly can “IK GA PLASSEN” this is common behavior amongst Dutch women, so make sure that you do the same
Never wear makeup
Only tarty expat women wear makeup. Dutch men like their women looking like something out of fright night, natural is good. (Unless you live in Het Gooi where you should have boobs of silicon and enough makeup to weigh down the suspension of your 4×4). Dutchmen become incredibly nervous when confronted by women with makeup and are likely to ask “what’s that stuff on your face, are you going to a wedding?” Doe maar gewoon normaal! Never wear makeup and you’ll look just like the average Dutch girl next door.
Move to Brabant or Limburg and vote PVV
Brabant and Limburg are whiter than the teeth of Tom Cruise. All the more reason to be wary of anyone with dark skin. Vote PVV (the party of Geert Wilders) and make sure that your Dutch neighbours are aware of this. You’ll fit better than a gipsy child being squeezed through a toilet window to gain entry so his gang can burgle the house.
No black sheep were hurt during the writing of this post. For more shallow wisdom join the Shallow Man Facebook Group.