The Shallow Man, like members of the mafia, has to eat. Therefore when I was approached by the firm that recently carried out renovation work at the Shallow Man’s new apartment, if they could advertise on my blog I didn’t hesitate for a moment, after they’d handed over an appropriate amount of cash. I’m doing this for you, rather than for me. If you’re looking for a reputable firm that can carry out quality work, read the advertisement below. The things I do for my readers!

Advertisement Amsterdam Home Renovation firm

Renovations needed? Contact the Koeienjongen broeders. Our family firm has been carrying out renovations in Amsterdam since 1927.

We are professionals specialized in home renovation, particularly bathroom, kitchen, basement renovation as well as whole house renovation and construction works. We mostly work in Amsterdam and we are able to offer our service all over the Netherlands. We comply with all European standards.

Professional estimation services

If you need work carried out, our experienced professionals will take a quick scan of the quality of your furniture and estimate prices in one of three categories.

  1. Leen bakker
    Your furniture is cheap therefore you can’t afford too much
  2. Ikea
    You’ve got plenty of money but are too mean to spend it, we’ll squeeze you dry like a former MTV presenter that married a footballer, divorced him and then took him for as much cash as possible
  3. Villa Arena
    You’ve got money, hand it over.

Our senior staff are also very skilled at taking sharp intakes of breath, shaking their heads and tutting loudly when you query the cost of the estimate. We also can put on a weasel like voice and complain about the rising costs of inflation, employees and equipment. In fact, we’ll say anything to get you to sign on the dotted line.

Once you’ve signed the contract it guarantees that even if we leave your house in a pile of rubble and take down half of the street with it,  you’ll be entitled to no compensation at all.

Demolished house Alftanes 1

Quality work, you should have seen how it looked before we started

Quality professional workmen

Our workmen are of the highest quality and sleep in containers on wasteland just outside of Amsterdam, this ensures that they wake up on time every day, as who would want to lie in bed for a long time when there are eight people sharing a confined space? In spite of being a Dutch firm, we are too greedy to hire Dutch tradesmen as they insist on trivial things such as the statutory minimum wage, insurance and sick pay. To get around that we bring in workers from Poland, Lithuania and Romania whose ignorance of Dutch employment law enables us to make a nice profit.


For the duration of the agreed contract period, we’ll have a portable toilet installed outside your apartment, which we’ll cease to use the moment you leave for work.

Homemade Portaloo

Hi-tech Portaloo patented to Koeienjongen broeders

Hi-tech workers

We’ll have a cabin parked in the street and will ask for access to your home WIFI. We will then proceed to download all manner of exotic and illegal porn using your network.

You won’t know that we are there

Your neighbours will be very happy that we are around, as one of our workers will stand in the street outside while the other puts his head out the window and will shout loudly in a foreign language at his colleague at least ten to twenty times a day. As a bonus, they’ll spit on the street, but of course, they respect the customer so will spit in front of your neighbour’s place, not yours.

Lunchtime arrangements

Being a good employer is something that Koeienjongen broeders takes very seriously. We give our works fifteen minutes for lunch, which means that they’ll spend at least an hour in the street outside your place eating sandwiches or takeaway food, drinking coffee made using your Nespresso machine (we will charge more if we see a Senseo machine in the house) and making sexist comments about women in the street in Polish or Lithuanian using maximum subtlety. They will stare and shout then do “making the sex” noises as women walk past. Your neighbours will be very happy with you.


home renovation

The local children loved playing with the rubbish left by the workmen each day after lunch


The Glass is half empty the job is half completed

Halfway through the job, our workmen will be called away for an afternoon due to an “emergency”. The next day they won’t return, and you will have to call our firm (where’ll you be put through to voicemail) and leave messages asking when the workmen will return to complete the job. You’ll then be told that due to unforeseen circumstances the cost of the job needs to increase and you’ll need to sign a revised contract. Depending on the damage caused to your apartment we will offer you quality temporary accommodation while we attempt to finish the job.

Tin Shack - - 653433

Quality temporary accommodation

Contact details

Unfortunately, due to legal action, our website is currently unavailable. Contact the Shallow Man for our telephone number.

The Shallow Man accepts no responsibility whatsoever for any issues arising out of using this firm. No neighbours were hurt during the writing of this post.