One night, during a deep sleep, the Shallow Man became aware of a strange presence in his bedroom. He was sure that he hadn’t been on Tinder that evening, and even if he had, an Uber car would have taken the lady in question home already.
Upon waking up, he found a man and a woman standing by his bed. “This Pokemon Go thing has really gone too far,” he said, then suddenly he recognised the couple in question. “Shallow Man, do you not remember us? We are Henk and Ingrid, the God’s of Dutch normen en waarden/norms and values. We are here with five commandments for your expat readers, on how to behave like the Dutch during a heatwave. This will ensure that people don’t confuse expats as tourists or asylum seekers, and help them with their integration into Dutch society.
Which brings me to the subject of today’s post, how to behave like the Dutch during a heatwave.
The things I do for my readers!
1. Thou shalt leave work by 16.30pm
At the time of writing, there’s a heatwave in the Netherlands. Such things only occur once or twice per century. You are legally entitled to leave work early when the sun is shining. In fact, it’s in the Dutch constitution. Behave like the Dutch and spend the entire afternoon on your smartphone trying to find the terrace bar which serves the cheapest beer. Make sure you discuss this as loudly as possible so that your colleagues can’t concentrate on the job they’re actually paid to do.
2. Thou shalt leave all windows open and have loud sex
During a heatwave, throw away your inhibitions and behave like the Dutch. Curtainless windows that would usually be closed, are thrown open and the cries of “Anouk not again? laat me met rust ik ben moe”/leave me alone I’m tired.” Or “Jeroen ik will jouw rookworst nou! ja, ja, ja, so is het lekker,” can be heard reverberating around residential neighbourhoods like the sweet sounds of ancient scooters driving too fast on bike lanes.
3. Thou shalt wear only a man’s shirt and pretend it’s a dress
Keep up with the latest fashion for Dutch ladies by doing the following
- Put on a man’s shirt, (preferably blue)
- Wear a pair of white sneakers
If a sarcastic shallow man asks you if you left home in a hurry and forgot to put on your pants, look at him as if he’s completely clueless about Dutch fashion and shout, “IT’S A SHIRT DRESS.” As if it’s the most logical and normal thing in the world, to be running around in just a man’s shirt.
4. Thou will not have a pedicure just because there’s a heatwave
Some of my Dutch readers are probably thinking, “what’s a pedicure? and if I have one, will it affect my eigen risico?” Behave like the Dutch and allow your toenails to grow naturally. Doe maar gewoon! Slap on a pair of Birkenstocks and rest your lovely feet on a vacant chair while on the terrace of a cafe. Don’t be concerned about putting people off their deep-fried bar snacks.
5. Thou shalt purchase the cheapest meat possible for a barbecue
Don’t pay normal prices for meat if you intend to have a barbecue. Behave like the Dutch and do the following:
- Go to your local supermarket just as it’s about to close.
- Ask to see the manager, and see if there’s any meat that’s now well past its sell-by date
- If the meat contains maggots or smells bad, don’t worry about it, the heat of the barbecue will kill all bacteria
- Buy lots of meat for a knock-down price. Text everyone you know about how much money you’ve saved
- Invite colleagues to your barbecue. If any of them are dark skinned expats, make sure you mention that you have a black bastard barbecue. When they look shocked, shrug your shoulders and tell them that there’s nothing offensive about the name of the product and that minorities are too sensitive
If you obey the five commandments listed above, you’ll fit into Dutch society, and will integrate just like the minorities that played in the Dutch female Olympic hockey team in 2016.
Till next time, “hou je snavel!”