The Shallow Man recently provided his readers with a helpful guide on five differences between Dutch and Russian women. This lead to requests for a similar guide on the differences between Dutch and Russian men. As the stated purpose of my blog is to inform, educate, and entertain, of course I had no choice but to honor the requests of my multicultural following.
Having had no personal experience of dating either Dutch or Russian men, I reached out to some of my readers, and from the huge amount of information received, I’ve put together, what I believe are the five key differences between Dutch and Russian men.
Please bear in mind, that naturally, I’ve had to generalise somewhat. So I’d like to ask the partners of Dutch and Russian men, not to send me messages saying the following:
“Shallow man, my Vladimir is nothing like your description.”
“My Jeroen is a gentlemen and a great tipper.”
So without any further delay, here are the five differences between Dutch and Russian men.
The things I do for my readers!
1. Getting a first date
In order to understand the differences, first you have to get your Dutch or Russian prey on a first date.
Getting a Dutch man to go on a date
In order to get a Dutch man to go on a date, you’ll need to behave the same way as the natives.
- Remove all makeup
- Wear ripped jeans along with sneakers or Birkenstocks, and a top with either a leopard skin print or stripes
- Go to a busy brown cafe or bar
- Scan the bar like a plain clothes detective looking for a suspect
- When you find the man of your choice, walk straight up to him and introduce yourself
- Shout questions at him like a lion tamer barking orders at his animals
- Press your body against him like a Dutch sandwich spread on a piece of badly baked white bread
- Bully him into handing over his details, don’t let the fact that his wife or girlfriend is present put you off
Getting a Russian man to go on a date
Due to world war two, and deaths caused by alcoholism, Russia has more women than men. The statistics fail to confirm whether or not Russian men turn to drink as a result of being in relationships with Russian women, nevertheless, growing up in a country where women outnumber men, makes Russian men some of the most macho in the world.
In order to get a Russian man to go on a date, you’ll need to behave in the following way:
- Go to a cocktail bar in Amsterdam
- Dress in a feminine manner (Look at how a typical Dutch woman dresses and then wear the exact opposite)
- Stand still for about 30 seconds
- Don’t be afraid if a Russian man looks at you as if he’d like to kill you (smiling in Russia is still pretty unusual)
- Allow him to buy you drinks. Don’t ask for a beer.
2. First date etiquette
One of the key differences between Dutch and Russian men is their first date etiquette.
A successful first date with a Dutch man involves the following:
- Make sure you keep telling him how grateful you are to be living in the Netherlands
- If there are any awkward silences, throw in the phrase ‘kut Marokkaan’ that should get him talking
- Smile and laugh while he spends the evening insulting the way you dress, your hairstyle, where you work etc
- If you bank with ABN Amro or the Rabobank, make sure that you bring the card reader along with you. You’ll be expected to split the bill down to the last cent, and he’ll want you to transfer the difference immediately, even if it’s only 3 cents
- The evening should end with three kisses on the cheeks (face not bottom)
A successful first date with a Russian man involves the following:
- Allowing him to pick you up from home
- Accept lots of compliments such as, “If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?”
- Drinking enough alcohol to forget your middle name and city of origin
- Allowing him to pay for everything including him paying the wealthy ladies working in bars in Amsterdam who take money for allowing you to use the toilet
- Kissing so passionately that you lose a filling
3. Post first date behavior and romance
Another key difference between Dutch and Russian men is their approach to romance in general.
Dutch men and romance
Following a successful first date, don’t expect a Dutch man to call you. He’s too busy grooming his hair and drinking those tiny little feminine looking glasses of beer with his friends. If a Dutch man is interested in you, he might, if you’re lucky, send you the following text message several weeks after your first date.
You “Jeroen? Wow, you took your time getting in touch, I thought you’d forgotten about me. What have you been up to the last three weeks?”
Him “I was busy”
You “Would you like meet up again?”
Him “Sure. Can you remind me who I’m talking to again? I’ve had so many dates recently. Were you the one wearing makeup?”
Russian men and romance
Once a Russian man has decided that he wants you, the only thing that will keep him away is a court injunction. He’ll be texting you on the way home while sitting next to you in the back of a taxi. Then as soon as he gets home, and the first thing the next morning. He’ll demand to see you again. You’ll be showered with presents and even if you weren’t that keen, the next thing you know you’ll be out on a date with him again.
Russian men approach dating with the brutal efficiency of a military campaign. Before you know it, your defences will be overrun and you’ll be annexed like the Crimea. Resistance is futile.
4. Meeting your parents for the first time
Dutch and Russian men take different approaches to meeting the parents of their partners for the first time.
Meeting your parent’s Dutch style
Your Dutch boyfriend will visit your parents empty handed. Bringing gifts, wine, or even a bottle of mineral water is seen as completely unnecessary. After all, your parents have the same access to shops as he does. Do warn your parents about Dutch directness. If he suggests to your mother that she should lose weight, or makes disparaging jokes about your country of origin, he’s only ‘telling it like it is’ and they shouldn’t take offense.
Meeting your parent’s Russian style
Your Russian boyfriend will treat your parents with respect. He’ll bring along plenty to drink, and will proceed to get you and your father drunk while attempting to seduce your mother. “You are a, how we say in our country? a MILF”
Don’t be upset by this. The Russian male must demonstrate his masculinity at all times, and actually, you should be proud of him for being so virile.
5. Married life
Marriage with a Dutch man
If you’ve managed to pop out at least two children, you might find yourself visiting city hall on a Monday when it’s cheaper to get married. You’ll find your Dutch partner to be a loyal and faithful husband, who won’t give you too much trouble. Don’t be irritated by the fact that he uses more hair products than you.
Marriage with a Russian man
After a whirlwind romance, don’t be surprised if your Russian man asks you to marry him. Once settled down, he might start seeing other women on the side. There’s just too much of him for one woman, and it’s the duty of every Russian man to go forth and conquer. As a Russian friend said to me “sometimes you like a meal in a michelin star restaurant, other times you fancy fast food, what’s the problem with that?”
If you prefer men to be men, and would like to be swept off your feet, and don’t object if your man pops out for an occasional takeaway, go Russian. If on the other hand, you enjoy the financial security that comes with never spending any money unless it’s absolutely necessary, then go Dutch.
Till next time, if you don’t like it here, rot op naar je eigen land!