How to tell if your Dutch girl is cheating on you

I recently received a very sad message from a reader. “Shallow Man, I’ve been with my Dutch girlfriend for over 18 months now, things have been going well, we were getting serious and even moved in together. Since Kings day, she’s been different, I think she’s having an affair, but I’m not sure. You know a lot about Dutch girls, do you have any advice on how I can tell if she’s being faithful or not?”

Wiping away the tears, I decided that I must help him, and any other expat reader, that’s in a relationship with a Dutch person and doesn’t know the tell tale signs of a Dutch girl being unfaithful or as they say in Dutch, “Hun bitterballen in Belgie kopen”. The Shallow Man writes this guide at some considerable risk to his perfectly dressed self. However, I shall risk the anger of the Dutch population and will fearlessly tell it like it is. The things I do for my readers!

As an equal opportunities chap, I’ll provide advice on how to spot cheating Dutch men in a later post. Ik ben lekker PC hoor!

Telltale signs that your Dutch girl is cheating on you.

She visits a hairdresser more than once a year

Dutch women get their hair professionally styled once a year.  Now if there’s a special occasion, perhaps she might go twice in a year to do her hair, but if she’s been three times to a stylist in less than twelve months, sorry, but she’s definitely having her Uggs stroked by someone other than you.

Inspiration for the typical Dutch female hairstyle

She buys new boots

Dutch women rarely ever buy new boots. The reason for this is the old Dutch tradition of Het erven van de Laarzen. (The inheriting of the boots).  When Dutch girls turn eighteen, a circle party is held, including the Grandmother, mother and other relatives. The boots of the mother are then handed down to the daughter to welcome her into adulthood. These boots are worn, repaired and worn for generations more. If she’s out buying new boots, beware!

Your Grandmother wore these boots to see Elvis in concert, now they are yours

She dries her hair before leaving the house

You probably didn’t even realise that she owned a hair dryer, but suddenly she’s using one.

When she answers the phone she doesn’t shout

Living with a Dutch girl, you’ve felt your hearing deteriorate over time. When her smartphone rings she’s always shouting as if she’s at a hockey match and yet now, once in a while, when the phone rings she speaks in a normal tone of voice.

She uses a mirror when getting dressed

The mirror is usually covered in photos of pets, family members, etc. Suddenly she’s cleared it up and is using it. Even worse, she turns on the light when getting dressed and actually appears to be making an effort to match her tops with the rest of the outfit.

Is that makeup she’s using?

Dutch women and makeup go together like the hip hop and the Klu Klux Klan. Yet suddenly there’s color in her cheeks, and on her face as well. Instead of that sunburnt red, or Dulux eggshell white look, she’s applying color and what’s that stuff on her lips?

Anouk had difficulties applying makeup the first time

She’s not giving you tough love

Usually Dutch women in a relationship are like Marine drill sergeants. They tell their men how, when and how fast to march to the step of a demanding and liberated woman. If this has suddenly stopped, and she’s even being civil and polite, then she’s bossing some other chap around.

The tips above are the tell-tale signs of Dutch female infidelity, you’ve been warned.

No suspicious boyfriends were hurt during the writing of this post.

For more information on the Dutch dating scene, read the Shallow Man Guide to Dating the Dutch