The Shallow Man must be dreaming, we’ve had beautiful sunny weather in Amsterdam for three days in a row. The Taste of Amsterdam has been on at the Amstelpark. The Shallow Man has been in attendance at this event for the last couple of days and has been inspired by the various sights he has seen. So due to the glorious weather, I’ve put together a special edition of tips on how to fit into Dutch society on a sunny day.
These comments are based on my own personal observations. If as a result of writing this, the Shallow Man is captured by a bunch of angry Dutch people and is force-fed stroopwafels while being made to listen to Frans Bauer’s greatest hits, I’ll look at my detractors and say “doe maar, jullie nep kakkers.”
The things I do for my readers!
Wear huge sunglasses without any sunblock on your face
If you want to fit into the chic Dutch society crowd that hang out at Taste of Amsterdam, don’t apply any sunblock to your face and wear the biggest sunglasses you can find. Remove them after a couple of hours and you’ll look just like kiki the panda.
Dutch society norms don’t wear any sun cream
Skin cancer is a myth made up by jealous people who have nothing better to do. While walking around town the last couple of days, I’ve seen many women whose exposed shoulders, cleavage and face colour reminded me of that old British school dinner dessert, stewed prunes and custard.
I am Moses, the red sea should part before me
Walk in a straight line with your eyes focused on your smartphone. Other people should notice you and step out of the way.
Wear the shortest miniskirt possible then hop on a bike
The Shallow Man positively encourages this behaviour. Wear a tiny skirt, then cycle along. Give angry looks to any men that happen to be walking in your direction whose eyes are automatically drawn to the legs and other items on show. Remember the motto of owners of exclusive shops, if you don’t want the general public to look at your goods, don’t put them on display.
Sit anywhere you god damn please
It’s a beautiful day, do like the locals and sit anywhere that takes your fancy. Hold an impromptu picnic on the pavement of a narrow street. Sit down in front of an apartment building with your friends having drinks and shouting as loud as you can, don’t worry about people that need to get in or out, pass by or might actually live in the building. Smoke and leave your cigarette butts on the floor as well. It’s a beautiful day, sit wherever you please.
Hold a barbeque in a park
It’s a magnificent sunny day. What better way to celebrate it than having a barbeque in a public park with thirty or forty close friends? Have lots of beer and wine, bring lots of meat naturally, also sauces, and all other manners of food. Have a great time and then…. just walk away. Leave a huge mess behind you, don’t clean up after yourself whatever you do. The Gemeente employs people to clean, why put them out of a job?
Enjoy the wonderful weather while it lasts.
No owners of exclusive boutiques were hurt during the writing of this post.