How to tell if your Dutch man is cheating on you

In his never-ending quest to answer the questions of his readers about life in the Netherlands the Shallow Man recently wrote a post on how to tell if your Dutch girl is cheating on you. I was expecting some controversy as a result of this and was not to be disappointed. On the Facebook group, Expats in the Hague, a heated discussion about the merits of my post is raging along. Along with one or two offended Dutch women (who have taken my post with good humour eventually)  came the following comment that I will republish including various spelling and grammar errors. It has made my day.

A Post from the Expats in the Hague Facebook group

“Turkish & Morrocan women can love you only for your money !!!East Europe girls, even more, worst…dutch are one of best women you can have as lover as mother of your kids! You chose it!! And dutch girls heart so clear so true so much quality!! Amazing! East Europe girls are fighting on street to look like pornstars empty heart& ugly personality!! Most of the time i saw in this city! Of course, i don’t mean all of them! There is one thing for sure you girls can never rich dutch girls quality!!! Ferraris don’t need any reclame!!!”

So there you have it.

While sitting on an Amsterdam terrace recently, I was amazed to see that even though I was surrounded by Dutch women, not a single cigarette was smoked. I was shocked! If Dutch girls stop smoking and shouting at each other what am I going to write about?  One silver lining in the smoke-free cloud was a conversation I overheard between an American girl and a Dutch woman. The American, speaking in a loud voice (very unusual for Americans) told her friend how she suspected that all was not right with her Dutch boyfriend, she was concerned that he might be getting his lion king hair stroked in a foreign cave, which brings me to the subject of today’s post, how to tell if your Dutch man is cheating on you.

This post might upset some people, and if as a result, I’m hunted down, tied to a chair and forced to watch the Eva Jinek talk show for hours on end, I’ll look my enemies in the eyes and shout “Je kunt me de kont kussen.” The things I do for my readers!

Eva Jinek, a natural cure for insomnia

Check his bank account

Every single Dutch man over the age of 35 has a minimum of a hundred thousand euros in savings. This has been gathered through years of wearing jumpers and coats at home during winter to keep the heating bills down. Only buying food from the supermarket that’s on special offer and visiting clothes shops every five years. People often say to me, “Shallow Man, it’s difficult to make eye contact with Dutch men on the street” that is because their eyes are always cast downwards, looking at the pavement for loose change.  Check your Dutch boyfriend’s bank account, if he’s spending more than 100 euros a month after paying bills,  he’s actually met an Antelope who he’s entertaining with his money.

Klaas Van gebalde vuist kept his savings in his spare room

He refuses to do what you say

Dutch men in relationships expect the female to crack the whip, like a lion tamer at a circus. Visit any busy store on a Saturday or even better, the next time a sale is on at De Bijenkorf just watch how Dutch women order their men around. A Dutch man will normally do anything to keep the woman happy, including wearing the panties while she smokes a pipe. If suddenly he refuses to make you a Senseo (Dutch brand for cheap and tasteless coffee) and insists on going out with his friends even though you’ve clearly written an activity on the precious, almost holy Dutch calendar that hangs on your toilet wall,  beware!

Did you know that Spartacus was Dutch?

He goes shopping for new clothes

Dutch men normally buy new clothes only when the current ones start begging for mercy, or organise a revolt and escape. If his trustworthy red jeans don’t have holes in them yet he’s been shopping and bought a new pair of jeans or another jacket, increasing the number of clothes he owns by one hundred per cent, then this is definitely not normal behaviour.

He works late in the office

The Shallow Man used to work in an office with some Dutch men and the common joke amongst the expats was that it wasn’t necessary to have a watch as you knew that it was five thirty if a Dutchmen left the office to go home. The Dutch believe very strongly (something I agree with by the way) in a good work-life balance, and will work only the hours stipulated in their contracts and not a minute more. If a Dutchmen starts “working late in the office” he is probably up to unauthorised activities of the bedroom kind.

He never normally works after five thirty

He doesn’t ask to split the grocery bill

When you go shopping together and spend a total of eighteen euros, forty cents for the weeks shopping, he’s normally quick to ask you to transfer nine euros twenty to his bank account. All household costs are split down the middle. You pay a visit to an ice cream salon? You split the bill Yet recently he hasn’t even bothered to ask for this anymore, he’s distracted. This is not a good sign.

He’s no longer asking to split the bills!

The advice above is based on the feedback provided to me by people who’ve gone on to find out that their Dutch male has been unfaithful or as the Dutch say “hij heeft zijn vis in Aachen gekocht.”

No rebel slaves were hurt during the writing of this post.