Five Tips on how to become a successful Instagram “influencer” in the Netherlands

Here’s an almost true story. 😉

A man is walking along the Prinsengracht in Amsterdam. He suddenly falls to the ground clutching his chest. A crowd gathers around the fallen man. Someone asks, “Is anyone here a doctor?” The crowd mumbles, then a lady in leopard print pants says, “no, but I’m an Instagram influencer”. To which someone else says, “really? I’m an Instagram influencer too, how many followers do you have?” Another lady pipes up, “Wat leuk, ik ben ook een influencer”. The ladies get together and start taking selfies, meanwhile, the poor chap on the pavement seeing this, wishes he had a gun to take his own life, which would be preferable than listen to a bunch of ‘influencers’ exchanging Insta tips while discussing the number of followers they have and their favourite filters. Which brings me to the subject of today’s post. How to become a successful Instagram ‘influencer’ in the Netherlands.

The things I do for my readers!

 

1. Always post some deep and profound text in English

Even if you’re the kind of Dutch girl who doesn’t want to share an apartment with internationals, English does have its uses. It’s great for coming up with pseudo-philosophical faux inspirational sayings to accompany selfies on the gram.

Instagram influencer at bike parking in Amsterdam

I almost gave up looking for my bike, then I remembered that victory is always possible for the person who refuses to stop fighting. #dutchonly #nointernationals #geenengelsthuis #solucky #instagraminfluencer #foundmybike

 

2. Every wannabe Instagram influencer must visit a Dutch tulip field

Incredibly, not many people have ever thought about taking selfies of themselves in tulip fields. If you want to be at the cutting edge of the influencing world, get yourself into a tulip field and create some photos for your feed.

 

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A post shared by Amsterdam Photographer (@anniekostolany) on

So leuk! Echt! #noonewearsadressinholland #sooriginal #makesperfectsense #getoffmylandinstab

 

 

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#relief #intouchwithnature #notpaying50centstousealoo

3. Take hundreds of photos in the Jordaan area of Amsterdam

You can’t possibly hope to be a successful Instagram influencer in the Netherlands if you don’t have lots of photos of you posing in the Jordaan area of Amsterdam. It’s the place that apart from the red light district that most people associate Amsterdam with. Lots of pretty canal houses and the locals are soooo friendly. They absolutely love nothing more than being told to go back in their homes as not to ruin the 95th take of Anouk in leopard print, black leather jacket and white sneakers looking moody while posing in front of someones home. “Een beetje geduld alstublieft je ouwe graftak!”. (A bit of patience you old grave dodger).

 

 

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“If you believe very strongly in something, stand up and fight for it. The way I’m sitting down in this photo taken in the Jordaan”

#basic #thejordaanispublicproperty #sityourbuttwhereveryouplease

 

In fact, the city council should simply enforce a curfew for residents of the Jordaan area so that they don’t ruin the photoshoots of Instagrammers during daylight hours.

4. Take photos of yourself in the Pijp area of Amsterdam

The Pijp neighbourhood with its 10,575 places serving chai tea, quinoa, overpriced sla (salad) and soya milk lattes is soooo photogenic! The area is so gentrified that the mayor of Amsterdam is considering renaming one of the areas most famous streets to Ferdinand Bowl Straat. This makes perfect sense as there are about 20 places serving poke bowls there and it will make it easier for tourists to find.  No doubt it won’t be long before Hollands famous street market is renamed as the Albert Crap Straat, which wouldn’t be far from the truth. Anyhow, I digress. Instagrammers love having photos taken there.

This four-legged influencer was a bit shocked by the menu and prices.

 

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#ruff #snoopveggydog #gotmymindonmymoneyandmymoneyonmymind

5.  Make sure to include a bike in your feed

You need to make sure that people know that you’re in the Netherlands by posing with a bike on a regular basis. Don’t forget to throw in some spot-on hashtags and of course a good motivational quote in het Engels!

 

Instagram Influencer in Amsterdam Posing by a canal

Life is like having a bike in Amsterdam if you’re not careful it can be stolen from you while posing for your 100th take of a photo on Instagram and your stupid boyfriend won’t even notice it happening in front of him!

 

 

 

So there you have it. Instead of infesting the Jordaan and the Pijp like some kind of biblical plague, rot op naar Hoofddorp and take some photos of yourself with a ‘serious’ expression on your face that looks like your trying not to choke on a piece of drop. Add some incredibly philosophical deep meaning piece of text (always in English) that says something profound like, “The first time you fried bitterballen they didn’t come out well. Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.”

I’ll leave the final words to a member of the Amsterdam Shallow Man Facebook group. Who had this to say about ‘influencers’.
“Influencers”. Riiiight. If you’re “influenced” by some tart with a trout pout on Instagram, you really need to re-evaluate your life.”

No residents of the Jordaan or the Pijp were hurt during the writing of this post.