The Dutch Dating Scene
In Amsterdam’s famous street market, the Albert Cuyp (I’d never heard of it before moving here), there were two fish stalls situated next to each other. One which was run by a man and the other by a woman.
One typical Amsterdam Saturday afternoon, in the middle of the market, teeming with people desperate to get their hands on some cheap Herring, fake razor blades and all manner of counterfeit products, an unscrupulous chap snatched a ladies handbag and ran away through the madding crowd. A Policeman laid chase, and in panic, the bag snatcher ran straight into the middle of both fish stalls, knocking most of the stock onto the floor. As the stall holders were picking up the fish from the floor (to go immediately back on sale), they both held on to a single piece of fish simultaneously. Looking deeply into the eyes of the female stallholder, the male stallholder said, “your Plaice or mine?” Which brings me to the subject of today’s post.
The Shallow Man, gifted with good manners, exceptional taste in clothes and that rare thing in these times of austerity, a keen sense of humour, has gathered plenty of experience in dating our wet-haired, denim-clad hosts. Since my previous post on how to date Dutch men and women, the Shallow Man has been inundated with requests for further information on how to snare that most desired of prey, the Dutch. Despite the inevitable backlash that will come as surely as the entire Kardashian family have no talent, I will again don my favourite Teflon suit and enter once more into the intercultural breach, the things I do for my readers!
Thank God it’s Friday, the best night on the Dutch dating scene
It’s a well-known fact in the Netherlands that most children are conceived on a Friday night. This is because at the end of the working week (12-16 hours for the average woman) the majority of Dutch singles (or people away from their partners for the evening) have a rush of hormones, testosterone, or plain Dutch courage, fuelled by toxic eetcafe cheap wine and beer and are suddenly for a small window of time, full of the joys of the world and open for adventures of the bedroom kind.
Places to watch the Dutch mating game in all of its denim-clad glory.
Being bound to Amsterdam, like Yolanthe to Wesley Sneijder, the Shallow Man will provide local advice. However, the same probably applies to most Dutch cities.
DeDuvel or other busy Eetcafes
In the establishment above, the beer and wine are cheap, the food is good, and so are the customers (cheap or good, take your pick). The Shallow Man advises to get into the swing of a Friday night at DeDuvel, to book a table and eat there. It’s then pretty easy to stakeout which tables are filled with groups of singles. After ten pm, the music is turned up, and the bar turns into an Amsterdam version of various species of animals hanging around by the watering hole.
Hungry young lions, easily identifiable by their Simba-like hair, blue or red jeans and brown shoes, are stalked by the world’s most ferocious antelope. In the hunting ground that is the Amsterdam dating scene, the women wear the trousers (or jeans and cheap boots) and select their victims with the precision of Jack the Ripper on a wander through Whitechapel on a dark night.
In the Dutch dating scene, it’s all about proximity. Stand at a packed bar, and if the women are interested, they will go after the man in question like our ancestors, the cavemen of old. With a none too subtle wave of the club, they will literally whack their prey over the head and drag them back to the cave for a night of vigorous aerobics or at least, if you survive the intense questioning about, where you’re from, job, why you don’t speak Dutch etc., you’ll get a phone number and an opportunity for a crack at the assets at a later date.
Dutch women tend to be extremely loud and are incredibly talented. If three Dutch women are sitting together or standing by each other in a bar, they will shout at each other at the top of their voices simultaneously and yet understand each other perfectly; that in itself is a much-underrated talent.
Don’t scare the Lions or the Antelope.
The Lions may stand by the watering hole, drinking beer, looking around, drinking beer, looking around, but the antelope is in control. Dutch men will stand together in groups while even the tastiest, juiciest example of antelope trots by in denim with unstyled hair, unmolested. The antelope, once they’ve finished shouting at each other, checking their smartphones and announcing, IK GA PLASSEN, then select the Lion worth talking to and makes her move. Again as I stated earlier, proximity is everything. Stand by the antelope or the Lions and you may stand a chance to be noticed, hunted and scooped up. Don’t make either species nervous by being too well dressed.
Be humble Uriah, be humble
The Shallow Man does not take lightly to having women who are dressed as if they just spent the night sleeping on a friends sofa and haven’t bothered changing, attempting to talk down to him in a mock American accent. However, if you really are looking for success with the species, better to be humble and allow yourself to be patronised by someone whose entire outfit costs less than the boxer shorts worn by the shallow man.
How to win the heart of your Dutchie on the first date
If you are on a date with a Dutch woman for the first time and wish to make an impression, bring along a packet of cigarettes and hand it over to her, it will be love at first cough.
If you wish to impress the Dutch male, drop a five euro note just behind where he’s sitting, then say, “Is that yours?” He will be so overjoyed with happiness for the rest of the evening that he’ll be like Hagelslag in your hands. He might even settle the bill, however, I’d suggest dropping a 10-euro note to really make him ecstatic.
The tips above are, of course, generalisation because, as we all know, the Dutch rarely go out wearing jeans, smoke and have unstyled hair.
No Antelope or Lions were hurt during the writing of this article.
I loved it! thank youuuu
This sir is hilarious! compliments of a very pleased reader!