How to become a Dutch sorority girl (if you must)
The Shallow Man recently received the following message from a reader.
“Dear Shallow Man, I know that you mainly advise expats, but as you appear to know so much about Amsterdam, I hope you can help me. I’m a Dutch girl, from a tiny village in the south of the Netherlands. It’s a very closed town, with a dialect that’s so difficult to understand, that if anyone from my village appears on Dutch TV, they add subtitles. No outsiders are allowed to live here, as people in the village will only sell to people they know. There was an expat that rented a place here once, but he vanished one day, and is believed to be buried in a potato field. So my challenge is that later this year, I’ll move to Amsterdam to study at University. I don’t ever want to go back to my village, and want to join a sorority, so that I can climb the social ladder. The problem is that with my accent, and way of dressing here in the village, they might not accept me in the big city. I really want to become a Dutch sorority girl. Do you have any advice Shallow Man? Please help.”
Wiping away the tears from my keyboard, the sad message above, brings me to the subject of today’s post. How to become a Dutch Sorority girl.
Naturally, I’ll help you in any way that I can. I’m familiar with your village, where your father, is also your uncle, and most of the residents there, look suspiciously similar. I’m not surprised that you want to leave. So below I’ve listed seven tips on how to not only become a Dutch sorority girl, but how to succeed as one. If you follow my advice, you’ll soon be annoying the hell out of me, with your fellow sorority girls, shouting and screaming while I’m trying to write a new post at Cafe Goos.
The things I do for my readers!
1. How to become a Dutch sorority girl, learn to speak Goois (Gooische accent)
The first thing you need to do is to drop your local accent and speak as if you’re from the region of the Netherlands known as Het Gooi. Also known as the Silicon Valley, due to the fact that it’s illegal for girls over the age of 18 that live in that part of the country, not to have enhanced boobs. Sunglasses are also compulsory and have to be worn all year round.
So you need to perfect your Gooische accent. The best way to do so is as follows:
- Boil a potato
- Cut it into small pieces
- Put a piece in your mouth, but like a good girl from a religious family, do not swallow
- Stand in front of the mirror, and repeat 100 times “Ik ben het beste paard van stal”
- Once you’ve got the hang of this, repeat again, this time, attempting to keep your upper lip as stiff as a Dutchman finding a ten euro note on the pavement
- Practice your R’s. So now repeat 100 times “Ik ben het beste paarrrrrrrd van stal” Roll those R’s like an ambulance team rolling a morbidly obese patient onto a stretcher.
2. Dye your hair blonde and wear it in a ponytail
Do this even if your hair is blonde naturally. Dye it so it looks false. You don’t want your fellow corpsmeisjes (sorority girls) to be jealous of you being a natural blonde. Blonde is in. Tie your hair in a ponytail as is the current fashion with the corpsmeisjes.
3. Learn to play hockey
Even if you hate the game, it doesn’t matter. Pretend to love it. Learn as much as you can about the history of the game. Even better, try and find out if any famous Dutch hockey players have ever lived within 2000 kilometers of your village, and pretend that you know them.
4. Learn to SHOUT
As you live in the countryside, you have plenty of space to practice. Go into a field with a friend. Ask your friend to walk approximately 500 meters away from you. Then shout as loud as you can about what you did the previous evening. Do this until your friend can hear every word as clearly as if you were stood next to them. Once this occurs, increase the distance to 750 meters, and then finally a kilometer. When you can shout so loudly that you can be heard clearly a kilometer away, you’ll be loud enough to join a sorority.
5. Take up smoking
Obviously, to perfect that hoarse voice that sorority girls up and down the country possess, it’s essential to smoke a minimum of four packets of cigarettes a day, so that your voice is always rough and a little hoarse.
6. Dress just like everyone else
This is absolutely CRITICAL for your success as a Dutch sorority girl. Look at how your fellow corpsmeisjes dress, and copy them right down to the last detail, including underwear which is usually purchased at a store called Gamma. Don’t ever, even for a millisecond let the idea enter your head, to dress differently. You’ll be shunned by the sorority, and will become a social leper.
7. Blijf slank meisje!/Stay thin!
Follow the standard diet of Dutch sorority girls. Drink lots of beer, play hockey, have lots of sex, but don’t whatever you do eat more than once every two days. Part of being a Sorority girl is to have the width of a broom, with a couple of balloons taped on. Like boxers before a fight, Dutch sorority girls have to undergo regular weigh-ins to ensure that they remain within the normal boundaries expected by the sorority. Leave the bitterballen alone!
8. Pretend to be posh
Now that you’re rolling your R’s, and keeping your upper lip stiff, and saying ‘ijskast’ instead of ‘koelkast. Don’t forget to talk about the horse you have back in the village. Even if you don’t own one, it doesn’t matter. Your fellow sorority girls will be superficial friends for life. They’ll never visit your backward homestead in a million years.
I hope that the tips above will assist you in your goal to join and remain in a fraternity, and to climb the social ladder.
No hockey players were hurt during the writing of this post.
Till next time, stick an aardappel in je keel